Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
This is something I need an opinion on.
I am a codependent from narcissistic abuse. I carry a lot of shame and have been working on it. I feel really bad and shameful if I don't make it to the top at any fields like my job,my school work etc.
I have been avoiding people from my past because though I was a topper in college and was offered a great job ,I took some time off after having my baby. I feel so shameful to interact with these people now because I did not do anything with my career after baby and they all know me as this smart woman. Now I'm planning to go back into the workforce and it is proving to be hard to find a job that is similar to the one I left.
I have been feeling so shameful about my position that I broke out into severe rashes a day after an old friend from college contacted me. I was so nervous and ashamed that she will find out that I am feeling so worthless without a career.
My theory about this shame is my mother was highly critical and even though I aced in my academics, she will be critical about that one grade that slipped and she never gave me any credit for my accompolishments.Luckily I had good experience academically otherwise.But still to date I feel the critic going full steam if I don't get the top position,in job.
I am finally able to connect the shame flashbacks and avoidance of people from my past and how the inner critic works in this context.
Does this sound like a codependent shame thing???
I am a codependent from narcissistic abuse. I carry a lot of shame and have been working on it. I feel really bad and shameful if I don't make it to the top at any fields like my job,my school work etc.
I have been avoiding people from my past because though I was a topper in college and was offered a great job ,I took some time off after having my baby. I feel so shameful to interact with these people now because I did not do anything with my career after baby and they all know me as this smart woman. Now I'm planning to go back into the workforce and it is proving to be hard to find a job that is similar to the one I left.
I have been feeling so shameful about my position that I broke out into severe rashes a day after an old friend from college contacted me. I was so nervous and ashamed that she will find out that I am feeling so worthless without a career.
My theory about this shame is my mother was highly critical and even though I aced in my academics, she will be critical about that one grade that slipped and she never gave me any credit for my accompolishments.Luckily I had good experience academically otherwise.But still to date I feel the critic going full steam if I don't get the top position,in job.
I am finally able to connect the shame flashbacks and avoidance of people from my past and how the inner critic works in this context.
Does this sound like a codependent shame thing???
It sounds awful to do, but after doing then it is very liberating and empowering.
As like I could blame my ex-wife for our divorce and it is very easy to blame and blame, but instead I accept the blame and the shame that I myself ruined my marriage and it was my own fault that my son grew up wild and crazy and I myself destroyed my best chance for happiness.
Some may call that stuff as guilt, but if we did not feel some guilt then the shame would not be so intense.
You say that you screwed up your career so do not try to deny that and do defend your self against it and just admit it and accept it and claim it as your own.
Yes I did - I screwed it up.
Your Mom was critical but really everybody is critical, and most people do the criticizing behind our back, and so accept that too as life because we can not stop other people from talking about us.
It does sound exactly like the codependent shame thing - yes it does.
What I find is that other people appreciate it when I accept all the guilt and I accept all the blame and THEN the toxic shame just fades away.
A real example in my life is that my ex-in-Laws are friends with me as they still love me and I still love them, and some times they will make excuses for me against my wife (their sister) and I try to stop that as it really was all my own fault.
And you will find that the same people that you feel embarrassed (shame) in front of are people who have lots of their own shame to worry about.
Your situation is a lot like mine. I'm not an expert on the textbook definition of codependency, but counselors have told me that I am codependent and a) elements of my upbringing mirror yours, b) I hate on myself often for making "stupid choices" that caused me not to live up to my potential. Note that these "stupid choices" were excellent by most people's standards.
Here are the things I try to believe, but have a hard time doing so:
1) Everyone plays "what if" with their life. No one is completely-free of wondering what would have happened if they made different choices along the way. The difference is whether you get fixated on this or if you can let it go and accept yourself and the choices you made. This is hard (for myself I wonder if it is possible). You can be certain of one thing, however, worrying about it will not reverse time. Worrying about it will not allow you to go back and to make changes. Worrying about it, however, can keep you stuck in place vs. moving ahead.
2) Your mother was probably highly critical because she was unhappy with something in her life besides you. All types of abuse are unfortunate, but this one can bee especially hard since it leaves no visible bruises. Often one can't tell that it has happened until many years later. You may read this to see if it relates to you at all.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201212/are-you-emotional-caretaker
3) Most of the people from your past don't care about your job title, your salary, or anything else. Imagine that you met two friends for lunch whom you haven't seen in years: one friend has a high-profile job, makes lots of money, travels all over the world, and is completely miserable with what she does.. The second friend has an average job by external measures, does not take exotic vacations or drive a fancy car, but is happy and content with her life. Which friend would you think is in the better situation?
Now, imagine it's a month later, how much time would you still be spending thinking about your friends and the choices they made? Probably not much, as you would have gone back to your life.
4) You are not alone. It may feel like no one can understand the position you're in, but many, many people can and have similar stories. If your friends from your past do not make you feel comfortable, then seek out friends whom you feel will support you. Others on this site have had varying experiences with support groups, but maybe try attending a CoDA meeting to see if it helps you.
Good luck and thank you for sharing your story.