Holborn, you always give such good advice I don't feel like I measure up! Lol.

I can somewhat understand the feelings your trying to express here, though it's a little tough without details as to what bonds might break or what areas would be tugging at you. What I think though is you might have to roll with the punches. For some reason you are contemplating making a change (maybe work?) and I'm sure you have valid reasons for wanting to do so. I say take the leap! Whatever it is your wanting to change, do it! Yes, things will happen, things will change, but you've got to tackle them one at a time.

I think the way I've tackled changes, (work, relationships, friendships) is to remind myself the reasons behind the decision. Change can totally be scary, but it can also be a good thing. The whole concept of making a change usually comes to us for a POSITIVE reason. We want to have something better, or something that will make us happier in the long run. In the beginning any change is difficult but I think if we keep in mind what the rewards will be, it will be easier to get through those tough times when you start second guessing yourself.

I hope this helps in SOME way haha.

Thanks, Quietstorm. I appreciate that you think I give good advice -- sometimes it is easier to give it to others than to use it on myself. How's *that* for codependent? :)

I am trying my best to remember the reason behind the change, as you suggested. The change that I'm contemplating could be as drastic as changing my job, selling my house/car, moving far away from my family, and taking a big cut in pay. The long-term possibilities are outstanding, but it's a lot of change to take in one shot.

Sounds exciting! But yes, I understand your fears, I'd be over thinking EVERY detail!

Those are huge changes. If I were making them, I'd be super excited to see something new, to be on my own and away from my family, and to have a fresh start!

I'm sure if you take the leap, you will do just fine and will be able to handle any obstacles you encounter. Just keep in mind at some point you will encounter some kind of obstacles, just be mentally prepared and remember everything will work out just fine! :)

Well, I have experienced this kind of drastic change that you talk of. I did the "band-aid" approach. I also realized many reasons why the band-aid approach is sometimes reckless. So, I say you are doing the right thing. You should measure everything and the consequences. Yet, there are consequences that are unseen too. Some things you wont know until after the fact. Yet...with this great new advantage of technology, you can look at what others have done and the consequences of every action in much greater detail than ever before. Just dont stree too much. Make sure you listen most closely to your heart. I know I wish I had. For your heart won`t forget.

Thank you, CharCare. I am trying my best to listen to myself. There is a lot of background noise though :(

Co-dependent or not...you are very intelligent...you will do well whatever you do...so if long term opportunities....are good...Take the plunge..

Though written very well, I think your logic is false and you are convincing yourself of an untruth as a way not to take action.

I totally get it, though... It's like using all your energy to keep plates spinning and to make one little change could send them crashing to the ground, right? Been there... all the time.

I'd just make a list of all the things you are thinking about doing, then do the famous Pro/Con activity. What's the worst that can happen with them? Then pick the most innocuous one and go for it.

Retrain that overactive brain... : )

Hugs.

Thanks Misssy and Deli for your additional thoughts.

the pros and cons idea is interesting. like a good anxious codependent, it is easy to see the cons... this change is hard, would move me thousands of miles away from people who rely on me, would hurt many feelings, would disappoint several people, would be very expensive, may not even work (i.e., i could fail and be back in my old spot within a year), etc. there is only one pro, which is that it feels like it is what i want.

i am stuck, however, trying to figure out if this a) is truly what i want or if it is escapism, and b) whether it is worse the heavy, heavy price of admission i feel that i will pay.

i imagine that several others, at one point or another, have fantasized about changing their whole life in one shot, leaving all of their pressures behind and starting a new life in a new place. Some may have even done it. That's why I asked the question :)

Hmmmm....

Cons-
OTHER PEOPLE could get hurt
OTHER PEOPLE could be disappointed
OTHER PEOPLE rely on you

Pros-
Despite it being scary and unsure, YOU WANT IT!

I think you are giving others more weight than you. And COULD it be that you are inflating your importance? Maybe others would be HAPPY for you???

If you don't have kids, I say GO FOR IT! You'll regret not trying once you have a family and realize that you can never take risks like this again.

Of course, I don't know the situation fully, but maybe that's best, since I am totally objective!

Do you have a feeling of intuition about it?

Throughout my recovery, I have discovered that it is really important for me to tune into my intuition and to trust myself. It also pays to question my motives- what are my reasons for wanting this? Are my reasons 'true to me' or are they a response to triggers, are my reasons a reaction to someone else? Something that I ask myself these days is: am I making this decision in robot/ automatic mode or is my decision being made in conscious awareness mode?

I attend a support group and my sponsor has often made the comment that I spend lots of time in my head analysing things intellectually and not much time considering what FEELS right. We can think the shit out of some things and confuse ourselves but if we stop and tune into and listen for that intuitive voice inside us, we can sometimes (not always!) get our answers quite quickly. If an answer is meant to appear then it will. I think we codependents often live in our heads rather than our hearts- actually, I prefer to aim to live based on my gut rather than my heart because sometimes my heart can get me in just as much trouble as my head :)

And I am also learning that often there isn't always a 'right' or 'wrong' decision, whatever decision you make will just lead to different journeys and you will learn lessons on either path and nothing is wasted. Often there is a 'worse case scenario' and a 'best case scenario' and we tend to focus most on either of those extremes but there are also usually a lot of other possibilities between the worst and best case scenarios!

I relate because I am in the midst of a similar thing, I am applying for a new job this weekend and my head is saying 'are you sure' and 'what if' and my intuition is telling me 'it is SO time for change!'. So I am taking the next step and seeing how things go... if doors open up and things happen easily then those things can sometimes be signs to me that I am on the right track. If I need to force a situation then usually that is me going against the universe. And taking steps towards a decision and seeing how that feels might also help, without making the complete decision. For example, for me, I have made the decision to apply for the job, if I get it then I still have the option of choosing to take the job or not. If I don't get it then it wasn't meant to be.

I also like the idea of a good old Pro/ Con list in these situations. I tend to believe that if we go with our intuition and are true to ourselves even though it isn't an easy decision then the universe kind of tilts a little to give us an extra bit of luck and support- if we have made that decision for the right reasons (I.e.- to be true to ourselves). Not sure if any of this makes any sense whatsoever to you but good luck with your decision, it is a big one :)

Hi there Holborn98.

First of all, thank you for your share and starting this great dialogue.

I can absolutely relate to where you find yourself, contemplating a "major change". I have done it a few times in my life, mostly when I was younger in my 20s and early 30s. Some of these changes I would describe as impulsive, and a need to run from things I was not quite ready or able to understand, as far as my own emotional, psychological disposition. I literally did not have the tools needed to accurately weigh and contemplate my choices, and consequences of my actions. In other words, what was I actually attempting to change ? Was a really trying to change my external circumstances ? Was I trying to change a personal experience ? What about my current circumstances is truly impacting my experience beyond my control, and how are my perceptions and reaction to these circumstances driving my experience versus the circumstances themselves. In other words Holdborn98, I found myself making changes only to recreate the experiences I thought I was leaving.

So, now in my 40s, and at a greater level of awareness, and understanding of the power of denial, I would encourage you to ask the right questions. And, you can only ask the right questions is you are truly sober. And you are only sober if you are truly surrendered.

These days, I don't make a move without prayer and listening for the Truth. Other friends here have made reference to that intuitive process. Embody steps 1 to 3, and ask Spirit (God, who or whatever higher power you have a personal relationship with), to speak to you in a way you will understand and serves you Real Recovery. And do not make a move until you know that it is Spirit speaking to you your higher self, and not your fear-based mind. Ask Spirit to help you hear and see clearly ? Are you running away ? Are you moving toward ? Either if fine, but you MUST be aware and at peace with your decision, and motivation. Be humble in your request, which is the organic result of Steps 1 through 3.

And one more note. Change, I feel, is ALWAYS, justified when it is necessary to create a safe environment for you. If you are experiencing abuse in any way, make a change now.

That's just a little advice from a sister in recovery who can relate to impulses and urges to leave...avoid...shut down....and crave change. Because as a lifelong "victim" in recovery, which most of us are, there will always be someone/something to blame, and retreat from, as opposed to taking responsibility for taking care of ourselves, creating our reality, and being assertive within the context of the situation at hand. It's a lot easier for us to pretend like we are taking care of ourselves, creating our reality, and being assertive while manipulating or attempting to control a situation. Change can seem very appealing in this costume.

Wishing you sobriety, strength, courage, peace and freedom dear brother ! That is the ultimate destination I pray and wish for you as you consider making changes. Soooo much gratitude for your share. Be well.

Thanks to those who continue to reply to this thread. It is very helpful to read your perspectives.

I think I have a sense of intuition about what I want, but still have fear from three areas:
1) What if i fail? many of you have been helping me to see my value and to count on myself more, and I appreciate that.

2) Am I running towards something I want, or running away from the things that I don't want? When in a bad situation, ANY alternative can look like a better alternative. Sometimes, however, we jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

3) Can I survive that much change? What I'm contemplating alters nearly-everything in my life. While I have a shoddy support structure now, I may cut myself off from nearly-everyone and nearly-everything at one time. Am I actually capable of building a new, healthy network, or will I build the same prison all over again?

Phoenix, your comments resonate with me a lot. It is true that I am allowing myself to be a passenger in life right now. I need to be the driver, but it is hard to cause harm to the people who have been insisting on doing the driving for me. I do recognize, however, that, regardless of what pressures, abuses, and manipulations brought me to the point where I am today, I am now aware of them. I believe that many of the pains of the past were not my fault. Now that I am aware of them, however, I can only blame myself if I allow them to continue. From here on, it is my responsibility to do what I need, and my fault if I do not.

It just sucks that it is so hard...