Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello All,
I would be very very grateful if you read my story and gave me advice. Please try to answer my questions at the end. Thank you very much.
I broke up with my ex GF four months ago after a 7.5 year long relationship. She was a narcissist and thanks God I managed to get out but I came out completely broken. I thought and felt like I dont want another relationship for a good while as I need time to recover. Its too early to commit again.
Yet, Ive fallen in love about two months ago. I know my feelings; I didnt just get attached to this new girl. This is true love. She is the perfect opposite of my narcissistic ex. Ive never told so much about myself to anyone as to her. She knows all my flaws, mistakes and addictions and she accepts me as I am. Shes never judged me once! I truly love this girl and I think shes got similar feelings. Her past and mindset is similar to mine. We both feel like we are soul mates and I think she is the one for me.
The problem is that Im still not ready for a relationship. I only broke up four months ago! Ive just managed to get over the post-breakup depression and now should come the time when I start dating, flirting and have one night stands again. And I feel thats what I need. Im not ready to commit.
I have to add that this girl live is a different country. There is 2000 km between us right now! The next time well see each other will be at the end of October, and then in mid February.
She said this is perfect for her now, because she, too, got hurt really badly in her 9 year long relationship and now shes been single for three years. Shes had a few short relationships since the big break up, but she didnt feel safe and couldnt commit. She says its all different with me as Im different from the other guys and because we communicate online and over the phone, its safer for her to open up.
The other problem is that I havent been with many women in my life and I feel less (or perhaps not good enough?) because of that. I want to have some fun and experience before I commit again. Ive been with three women and this girl I love has been with eleven guys and that really frustrates me! WTF?
I do love this girl and I dont want to lose her but a relationship isnt what I need right now.
I think Ill tell her that I need to slow down and take a break, take some time off. Im not ready for this. Ive already told her that Im just after a breakup and I need time. She understood that. She actually suggested it to slow things down if thats what I need. I think if she is really the one for me and I am the one for her, a few months break cant ruin our relationship. She is very understanding.
Questions
Is my craving for other women just a way to hide from love and intimacy?
Or am I actually still in the post-breakup recovery period?
I think its actually both.
What the hell do you think I should do?
Thank you very much for reading.
I would be very very grateful if you read my story and gave me advice. Please try to answer my questions at the end. Thank you very much.
I broke up with my ex GF four months ago after a 7.5 year long relationship. She was a narcissist and thanks God I managed to get out but I came out completely broken. I thought and felt like I dont want another relationship for a good while as I need time to recover. Its too early to commit again.
Yet, Ive fallen in love about two months ago. I know my feelings; I didnt just get attached to this new girl. This is true love. She is the perfect opposite of my narcissistic ex. Ive never told so much about myself to anyone as to her. She knows all my flaws, mistakes and addictions and she accepts me as I am. Shes never judged me once! I truly love this girl and I think shes got similar feelings. Her past and mindset is similar to mine. We both feel like we are soul mates and I think she is the one for me.
The problem is that Im still not ready for a relationship. I only broke up four months ago! Ive just managed to get over the post-breakup depression and now should come the time when I start dating, flirting and have one night stands again. And I feel thats what I need. Im not ready to commit.
I have to add that this girl live is a different country. There is 2000 km between us right now! The next time well see each other will be at the end of October, and then in mid February.
She said this is perfect for her now, because she, too, got hurt really badly in her 9 year long relationship and now shes been single for three years. Shes had a few short relationships since the big break up, but she didnt feel safe and couldnt commit. She says its all different with me as Im different from the other guys and because we communicate online and over the phone, its safer for her to open up.
The other problem is that I havent been with many women in my life and I feel less (or perhaps not good enough?) because of that. I want to have some fun and experience before I commit again. Ive been with three women and this girl I love has been with eleven guys and that really frustrates me! WTF?
I do love this girl and I dont want to lose her but a relationship isnt what I need right now.
I think Ill tell her that I need to slow down and take a break, take some time off. Im not ready for this. Ive already told her that Im just after a breakup and I need time. She understood that. She actually suggested it to slow things down if thats what I need. I think if she is really the one for me and I am the one for her, a few months break cant ruin our relationship. She is very understanding.
Questions
Is my craving for other women just a way to hide from love and intimacy?
Or am I actually still in the post-breakup recovery period?
I think its actually both.
What the hell do you think I should do?
Thank you very much for reading.
I have found that perfect opposite of horrible abuse is STILL abuse. It sounds to me like you are rebounding rather than actually in love as deeply as you think. Our nature is to gravitate to and desperately hang onto something, anything to stop that feeling of being so lonely we feel like we are dying.
It is good that you are so far away physically. It seems like deep down you are choosing based on your need to have some space in which to heal.
Those of us who attract narcissist tend to continue to attract them until we heal those issues within to attract people without severe personality disorders.
Take your time. Use whatever you need to find your healing. You are not purposely trying to harm her in any way. Be aware of how your feelings from time to time. Keep working on those codependence issues.
By the way, if you are writing in a word processor, the copy/paste function takes the new line character and changes it. If you put in TWO new lines between each paragraph, the spacing will work out better.
I'd say.... relax and sloooooow down your mind.
Be friends.
Besides, if you have been "in love" for two months, that means you "fell" in love after only two months on the computer.
I think you are in love with the idea of being in love.
Why the need to mess around with other women "for fun?"
I think you need to do some work on yourself to figure out what sex, love, and intimacy are.
Sorry for not realizing how unclear I was. We didn't meet online, we met personally during my holiday, had three dates during two weeks and very long and deep conversations.
I've done a lot of thinking and feeling today and I think I've found it out. You're partly right.
I am truly in love, I know that for sure. When I talked to my therapist today, about how much I love this girl I cried like a child. I've never felt anything like this before. When I told my therapist that she knows all my desires and flaws, yet she accepts me and loves me, I cried again. I actually almost always cried when I talked about her.
But it bloody hurts at the same time and I tried to find out why.
Possible causes:
-because I miss her so much
-because I'm so afraid of love and intimacy and commitment
-because I also desire other women and it feels like there is a battle inside me and my emotions are tearing me apart.
I think all these add up, bu it's mainly the first one. Specifically because I found it out today that I'm very needy. Not because I'm just after a breaup, I've always been needy. And now I've become attached to this girl very quickly, given a lot of myself to this thing.
She loves me too, I know it, I feel it, she kind of told me. On the other hand, she's very independent, it's very difficult for her to express her feelings and she's very far away.
And that's not what my neediness needs. I need to feel and touch love, I need to own it. To own her, perhaps. You know what I mean.
I know it's not good and I agreed with my therapist yesterday that we are going to work on these issues. I've already achieved a lot with her help as I managed to break up with my ex and grown a lot in confidence, learnt boundaries and opened up.
I'll take it slow with his girl, I might tell her that I need an actual break. I'm afraid of losing her during that break, but I might take the risk. It's my own benefit!
But first I want to see what it feels like to be with her so I booked a flight today for next weekend to see her.
Regarding the "I want to be with many women" part, all I can say is that I'm also a recovering porn addict which I only discovered about six months ago. I've achieved good results lately, but there is still a lot to do.
My therapist thinks that my craving for women and sex is because of my performance anxiety, compulsively wanting always more and better. I don't doubt that she's right but I don't understand this issue clearly yet. I think it's also a way of hiding from intimacy.
I haven't been with many women yet and I feel less then others because of that. I know it's not good, but this is what I have at the moment.
Thanks very much for your time again.
But anyway, I will challenge your statement that you love this woman. Rather, I think you are in love with the idea that someone can accept all your faults... I mean, how well do you know this woman to say that you love her? I'd say it takes at least two years to really get to know somebody.
I'll keep your opinion on mind though, and will be watching my emotions, which I do anyway. As I said, I'll take it slowly, give time to us and myself, keep working with my therapist and it will all be okay.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice day!
I've already told her about it. Not all the details though, as I don't want to scare her away. I went to Sex Addicts Anonymous and will go again. I've been abstinent of actual porn for three months, which is an excellent achievement compared to the amount of porn I consumed a year ago. It''s very hard to change the mental patterns though, so I've started working on it with my therapist.
Also, you were right, guys. I've done a lot of thinking and reading again and asked my best friends for advice and I've realized that I've got attached to this girl too quickly and too deeply. And, indeed, I might not be in love with her.
I got off the track of self healing, on which I started after my breakup. I've lost myself again without realizing it. I must practice enjoying alone time and keep building my support network. I'll take it slowly with this girl so that we have a chance to really get to know each other. I've already started distancing myself from her and told her to let's stop chatting on facebook and let's talk on the phone and on skype instead. This way I'll stop constantly checking my phone, waiting for her to message me. I'll go for a vacation alone again, no phone, no internet, and find a hobby that can give me a Flow experience.
Also, I think my current anxiety and depression could be because I've got attached to her and I'm still afraid of intimacy and getting hurt, or it could be the withdrawal symptoms of porn abstinence. But I think it's the first one.
Thanks very much for your support again.
Have a nice day!
Do you work out? I find that a workout releases happy chemicals for me. If I stop working out, I notice a giant uptick in my anxiety.
You can't stop one thing altogether and not expect to feel a loss unless you trade it for another, better, habit.
It's smart to unplug this relationship- both electronically and in intensity.
Nothing wrong with being platonic.
Ever try going to a retreat for yourself??? They can work wonders. It's like 6 months of therapy in a week.
: D
Yes, I go to the gym regularly, but it doesn't really satisfy me, so I've been considering to switching to something more intense, like thai boxing.
Could you tell me more about this retreat, please? I have no idea what it is.
Also, I've bought a mandala colouring book. It's colour therapy that gives you a flow experience and turns your brain off. And I've just booked a flight to Milan, Italy. Going for a vacation on my own :)