Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I share a daughter with a man. We,we're never married & as much as I tried to "save" the relationship, it needs to be over. He was/is extremely emotionally abusive to me & uses our child as a pawn. He says one day he cares, the next is spewing venom. I've done all I can & recognize I have issues to work on but he fails to see any wrong doing in his behaviors. He does not follow a court order & tries to control me by using "his availability". How can I appease him so I can see my daughter without falling into a trap? I've tried to set boundaries for my health & sanity but he is a master manipulator & being codependent I struggle in how to handle it. I'm so frustrated because if I don't play into him, I don't see my daughter. The courts are no help saying to document & bring it to court. I do & will continue to, but in the meantime how do I try to stay healthy in this??? Please help. Any advice is welcome.
P.S. I already know it's my fault for getting involved with such a character, that's already been established.
P.S. I already know it's my fault for getting involved with such a character, that's already been established.
You may be doing it correct (or not) so I just want to clarify a point here.
A true healthy boundary must be on our self (on your self) and NOT on other people, as like putting a boundary on your daughter's Dad is not a true healthy boundary.
The boundary must be on our self (on your self) or else it is trying to CONTROL which is not healthy.
See link here:
http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/boundaries/
A court order is a type of physical boundary but it is NOT the healthy kind of boundary for codependency.
A healthy boundary means to control our self, and control our feelings and to control our own emotions.
Trying to control the feelings or actions of other people is the codependency, while controlling our self is our salvation.
As in example: He purposely tries to get you angry by his manipulation and tricks - so your boundary must be to stay calm and do not explode, and instead react to the situation as a mature adult.
Another reference link here:
http://codependentboundaries.blogspot.com/2008/08/personal-boundaries-laura-busch.html
We all must do this with the people who irritate us or provoke us - wait until you get home and THEN throw the temper tantrum but NOT in front of the abuser or in front of the other person.
We all have to be able to feel extreme anger without getting mad or showing our anger, and instead we must respond in a rightful way.
As like a man hits you hard in the face - so take the hit as best as you can and THEN as soon as you can get away THEN contact the police and press charges for assault, because getting emotionally angry in front of the abuser just makes us more vulnerable.
When we feel afraid then we must NOT become terrified or panicking, but learn to stay calm and then try to find a way to get away from that source of fear.
The true healthy boundary means controlling our own expression of our own feelings.
An abuser wants to see fear because they have power through the fear of their victim.
Ever play poker and the best players watch to see the emotions from the other players - because THAT is to their advantage.
See a cool accounting of that in this link here:
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/personalshared.html
"A barking dog is not biting."
The minute an abuser does not see anger or fear then the abuser becomes worried.
He says that he cares - that is fine - but he has to show that.
You too must show that you care - but you will not sell out your soul in your caring.
This is just my perspective and just trying to be of help, and I do not know if Julie does this or not, but it applies to everyone IMO.
A court order is not a "boundary" as Booky said; rather, I'd think of it more as a *guarantee* that you get to see your daughter. If your ex is violating the order, then yes, document it and get a lawyer and go back to court b/c what he's doing is illegal. If you cannot afford a lawyer, go to a women's shelter or the courthouse, and they should help.
I guess I see this less as codependency and more of the law. I'm not a lawyer or psych, so I suggest you see both.
Hugs.
And even then try to find some other way besides the Court.
Women go to Court as if it is some sporting event, and their men do not fight back in Court, and it is like digging a grave and then falling into your own hole.
You and I must have a pillow fight some day and exchange our feelings with more gusto.
I do not know about jaded but bitter - yes I am, because the Courts divide families and destroy lives with the oppressive orders, and the Courts are NOT to be used to work out personal problems between men and women.
Women view the Courts different from men as like women view going to Court as a sporting event where they HAVE GOT TO WIN WIN WIN, and they tell all the dirty relationship business without shame or pride, while the men cringe in disgust and revulsion.
Women often win simply because their man does not give any defense, and men view the Courts as outsiders who have no right in their personal private business.
You want to make a lifelong enemy then take them to Court and that will do it.
There are better ways of dealing with your problems, and going to Court is a wrong way.
In treating codependency we learn how to talk to other people, and how to express feelings and work out boundaries, and by doing this recovery process there does not need to be any going to Court.
For me it is more then just bitter as it is my hatred and strong resentment to the horrific damage done to people by going to Court to work out their personal problems.
We never ever truly win when we beat our child's other parent.
Just my opinion of course - but I mean it.
Being strong and drawing boundaries is a chore, it requires diligence and it certainly consistency. At times it is definitely emotional exhausting and like myself I often find myself wanting to throw in the towel and say " never mind I don't even have it in me to discuss it".
One thing I want to stress to you however, is; you cannot defer from any legal custody agreements, you cannot bend any agreements to be "amenable" to him (it will backfire), and you cannot falter in any way on your end. NO. MATTER.WHAT.
When it comes to communicating and reinforcing your boundaries, maybe you should use writing methods such as text, email or postal letter. State in the first attempt, that you won't engage in conversations in person any longer as they are counter productive to both of you. Maybe by documenting everything that you are seeking resolution on, it will allow you some perspective and distance from the emotional engagement of the situation which will help you to create the boundaries you are seeking to accomplish. And just limit any communication that is needed in person to 'drop off' and 'pick up' or general information "she ate today" or "she just napped".
I always find writing a great tool for communication as it provides the ability to edit oneself as well as documentation on what is being agreed upon for if the occasion calls for using the courts to amend or re-establish the terms of custody.
I wish you good luck! I can feel in your post that you are tired of the situation.....but whenever you get tired keep your little one in mind!!
Take care! xxooo
I have dealt with a lot of Fathers' groups and they have been very bitter for years now about how Men are getting ruined by the Courts and they have been trying to turn the tables around and maybe your husband has picked up on that.
See here = https://fathers4kids.com/resources/other-fathers-rights-groups
If so then you are in a lot of trouble, because the Courts are horrible to the parent without custody.
I personally hate the fathers' groups because they are so anti-women, and I have talked to many of them NOT to do this but none would ever listen to reason. But of course the women never listened to reason either.
As such the words above by CoDaChrome as quoted below are very true:
" One thing I want to stress to you however, is; you cannot defer from any legal custody agreements, you cannot bend any agreements to be "amenable" to him (it will backfire), and you cannot falter in any way on your end. NO. MATTER.WHAT. "
I realize this is your thread topic but not everything said here is directed at you or not only at you, as I am always thinking about other people reading these comments and so my comments were meant for everyone to consider.
Also it was "DeliA" who called me out on my reference to the court and DeliA has always been one to push Court actions so me and she have argued such a thing before on here.
It is the job of the 2 parents to provide the "best interest of their own children" and IMO it is an abomination to give that parental duty over to a Court of law.
I am NOT really giving any legal advice other then saying to get away from the law or else it will hurt everyone involved.
Otherwise my comment here as "Reply #1" about boundaries is my one true comment about getting healthy.
Peace.
Wow... do I really post a lot to take people to court??? I didn't realize I did that.
*IF* I do suggest that, I guess it's because I feel that this IS the ultimate boundary if people can't be rational. So if there's an argument about the child, just revert back to the custody agreement and that ends the debate.
But since the OP did already have a judge decide things and her ex clearly doesn't respect that document, I suggested to her to calmly document his transgressions in a calm email and he'll get her point.
As for phones, just let it go to VM when you can't deal with him. And for face time, do exchanges in public so you have witnesses and you can keep things calm for the kid.
When I had a horrible time of it with a person, I just kept conversations to "light and fluffy" topics and all the important things to an email so there's an official record of the conversation. SO if there's a deviation from the agreement, then you can point it out easily. And texts can just say, "check your email." and end all emails with "please confirm that you read this by sending me a reply."
Keep doing that.
That should help in Booky's wish to keep things out of the court because your ex will realize that what you are doing is making a case to take to the judge, should he keep violating the documents.
PLUS, it keeps you calm and feeling powerful... two things that are the OPPOSITE of society's stereotypes for a female!
BTW, JK, the way you responded to Booky was EXACTLY the right way to state a boundary! : )
I agree with Booky.. We can't save anyone but ourselves..When I am "stuck" I pull out step 4 and go through what is my lesson in this?? what is my "pay off" or "benefit" in staying in a bad situation?? and I work through MY issue in it and , yes, do the boundary thing, but its also important, why I would want to waste my time/energy on a toxic relationship...Been there and done that and the answers come from within me