Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
I know many of you have found your new strength in the famous 12 steps, so it might unsettle some of you a little when you read this.
Recently I re-edited a book I bought some time ago when I was staying in a clinic being treated for dysthemia, a form of depression which robbed me of my ability to concentrate, recognize and remember. I found it motivating, and when I went back to this forum after I finished re-editing it, I was reminded of dogma of 12 steps.
I recalled the first time I read the 12 steps, caught up in the midst of anxiety, uncertainty, frustration and depression. I remember what it was like when I read the word powerless, and remember equating that with the feeling of hopelessness. It was one thing to have that sinking feeling creep into you that there was nothing you could do to motivate someone to change; but the ultimate low feeling was the utter hopelessness of never ever being able to motivate, influence or inspire other people, because alone the wish to do this would make my life unmanageable.
You happy defendants of 12 programs out there can chastise me all you like, and say, Well if you misinterpreted the whole time, thats your problem!
And in my defense, Ill say, It is very easy to read this and think, Give up its all so hopeless! The word being powerless lies very near to the meaning its hopeless for me. It seems like a suggestion, not to desist from doing those things that are making you sick in the head, but an appeal to just give up and surrender accept what you cant change.
I suppose thats the way it is when we delve into the wishy-washy borderline area of who is a compulsive, conniving, controlling, manipulative co-dependent, and who is psychosomatic soul-sick person who is incapable of dealing with a life that took one big wrong turn, and cannot find their way out the proverbial paper bag anymore not to mention all those kinds of people in-between the two extremes.
Let me just say that after reflecting today, I have come to the conclusion that you are not completely powerless over other people; and your life is only unmanageable only as long as you want it to be!
The difference I found was the interpretation. True! You cannot force people to change. They have to want this. But untrue is you are powerless in this area. You still have the powers of inspiration, motivation, persuasion, and action. Decisive is your own motivation and strategies.
I found that investing these powers in something which is beneficial to yourself and does not harm another person is okay its not a form of abuse. For instance, if someone bullies you at work and you defend yourself, through a clever use of your powers to inspire, motivate, persuade or take action so that person stops bullying you you are not completely powerless over that other person. True, you cannot change their nature, but you can change their behavior towards you, which is the opposite of being powerless, and hopeless. If fact if you dont utilize this kind of power that is available to you, then you will find your life really becoming increasingly unmanageable.
The first step suggests to me that if someone is making your life miserable, let them be its wrong to try to change them!
Well, I know you cant force anybody to change their minds, but if breaking out of co-dependency is a course in survival of the fittest, lets not forget that were not completely powerless to influence opinions and decisions! Advertising does this to us every day, and nobody is pointing a nasty pointy finger at the advertising industry and saying, You are a dirty, nasty, evil co-dependent conglomerate making our lives miserable!
So while you are learning the hard lessons in your relationship like:
caving in to all of your spouses absurd whims and demands
vainly attempting to control their behavior or make decisions for them for their own good
treating them like a child
jumping to fulfill every wish that escapes their lips
and bickering with them like screaming banshees
ISNT working, ISNT making them change, and ISNT making you feel better dont forget that you are not completely powerless. You just have to change your strategy. In the meantime, I made up some new rules to worm around Step 1 of the 12 Steps.
For exercising your powers, because you are not completely powerless, and you refuse to admit it:
1. You are not allowed to exercise your powers, unless you decide you have something positive to gain its cant be purely for the other persons sake. Youre not allowed to be a martyr.
2. Decide carefully what you expect from the other person. Decide about only what you really want, and leave out thoughts like, its normal that anyone would want this, this is for their own good, I have to do this, otherwise I will never be able to look my family in the eyes again.
3. The powers of inspiration, motivation, persuasion, and action can be abusive as well as non-abusive, so think well before you act.
4. Think of ways to constructively use your powers to obtain the results you want. The best and most successful strategies are those, where the other person doesnt view your use of your powers as abusive or unfair, and you still get what you want.
I know many of you have found your new strength in the famous 12 steps, so it might unsettle some of you a little when you read this.
Recently I re-edited a book I bought some time ago when I was staying in a clinic being treated for dysthemia, a form of depression which robbed me of my ability to concentrate, recognize and remember. I found it motivating, and when I went back to this forum after I finished re-editing it, I was reminded of dogma of 12 steps.
I recalled the first time I read the 12 steps, caught up in the midst of anxiety, uncertainty, frustration and depression. I remember what it was like when I read the word powerless, and remember equating that with the feeling of hopelessness. It was one thing to have that sinking feeling creep into you that there was nothing you could do to motivate someone to change; but the ultimate low feeling was the utter hopelessness of never ever being able to motivate, influence or inspire other people, because alone the wish to do this would make my life unmanageable.
You happy defendants of 12 programs out there can chastise me all you like, and say, Well if you misinterpreted the whole time, thats your problem!
And in my defense, Ill say, It is very easy to read this and think, Give up its all so hopeless! The word being powerless lies very near to the meaning its hopeless for me. It seems like a suggestion, not to desist from doing those things that are making you sick in the head, but an appeal to just give up and surrender accept what you cant change.
I suppose thats the way it is when we delve into the wishy-washy borderline area of who is a compulsive, conniving, controlling, manipulative co-dependent, and who is psychosomatic soul-sick person who is incapable of dealing with a life that took one big wrong turn, and cannot find their way out the proverbial paper bag anymore not to mention all those kinds of people in-between the two extremes.
Let me just say that after reflecting today, I have come to the conclusion that you are not completely powerless over other people; and your life is only unmanageable only as long as you want it to be!
The difference I found was the interpretation. True! You cannot force people to change. They have to want this. But untrue is you are powerless in this area. You still have the powers of inspiration, motivation, persuasion, and action. Decisive is your own motivation and strategies.
I found that investing these powers in something which is beneficial to yourself and does not harm another person is okay its not a form of abuse. For instance, if someone bullies you at work and you defend yourself, through a clever use of your powers to inspire, motivate, persuade or take action so that person stops bullying you you are not completely powerless over that other person. True, you cannot change their nature, but you can change their behavior towards you, which is the opposite of being powerless, and hopeless. If fact if you dont utilize this kind of power that is available to you, then you will find your life really becoming increasingly unmanageable.
The first step suggests to me that if someone is making your life miserable, let them be its wrong to try to change them!
Well, I know you cant force anybody to change their minds, but if breaking out of co-dependency is a course in survival of the fittest, lets not forget that were not completely powerless to influence opinions and decisions! Advertising does this to us every day, and nobody is pointing a nasty pointy finger at the advertising industry and saying, You are a dirty, nasty, evil co-dependent conglomerate making our lives miserable!
So while you are learning the hard lessons in your relationship like:
caving in to all of your spouses absurd whims and demands
vainly attempting to control their behavior or make decisions for them for their own good
treating them like a child
jumping to fulfill every wish that escapes their lips
and bickering with them like screaming banshees
ISNT working, ISNT making them change, and ISNT making you feel better dont forget that you are not completely powerless. You just have to change your strategy. In the meantime, I made up some new rules to worm around Step 1 of the 12 Steps.
For exercising your powers, because you are not completely powerless, and you refuse to admit it:
1. You are not allowed to exercise your powers, unless you decide you have something positive to gain its cant be purely for the other persons sake. Youre not allowed to be a martyr.
2. Decide carefully what you expect from the other person. Decide about only what you really want, and leave out thoughts like, its normal that anyone would want this, this is for their own good, I have to do this, otherwise I will never be able to look my family in the eyes again.
3. The powers of inspiration, motivation, persuasion, and action can be abusive as well as non-abusive, so think well before you act.
4. Think of ways to constructively use your powers to obtain the results you want. The best and most successful strategies are those, where the other person doesnt view your use of your powers as abusive or unfair, and you still get what you want.
I truly beleive you cannot change someone else, I tried for years until the penny dropped loud and clear that it was futile entirely and unequilvically!!
I realised that I can only change myself, it all starts with me taking responsibilty for my part. It is impossible to change someone else, yes you may inspire, but that is ONLY by changing yourself and being the example. Everyone else will then have to fall into place when you re-create the boundries.
This is what is interesting about those 12 steps, because when I read step one, the word "hopeless" didn't appear, yet I interpreted as "hopeless".
I guess everybody sees something else in it, because when you read it, you interpreted to mean you were powerless "over you own life", yet that is not what it says; it says "we admitted we were powerless over others" - the words "own life" do not appear in this sentence.
That's why I challenge the 12 steps, because some of the contents are contridictory. We have to admit we are powerless over other people, yet we are expected to learn to assert ourselves for our rights. Logically, that means that we have to exercise a certain amount of influence on other people.
I like your interpretation, but why didn't they write it originally that way? Why didn't they write "admitted we have become powerless over our own lives"?
This is what is interesting about those 12 steps, because when I read step one, the word "hopeless" didn't appear, yet I interpreted as "hopeless".
I guess everybody sees something else in it, because when you read it, you interpreted to mean you were powerless "over you own life", yet that is not what it says; it says "we admitted we were powerless over others" - the words "own life" do not appear in this sentence.
That's why I challenge the 12 steps, because some of the contents are contridictory. We have to admit we are powerless over other people, yet we are expected to learn to assert ourselves for our rights. Logically, that means that we have to exercise a certain amount of influence on other people.
I like your interpretation, but why didn't they write it originally that way? Why didn't they write "admitted we have become powerless over our own lives"?
So maybe it takes someone to hit rock bottom and realise that they cannot in fact change others, to even begin to look inwards!
The original 1st Step reads like this;
"We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve-step_program
But it was understood that alcoholics DID have the power to stop drinking and thus we did and do have power over alcohol by stop drinking it.
The original point was saying that so long as we keep drinking the booze then THEN we are powerless over it, because by drinking it gave the stuff has the power over us.
The original 12 Steps and Step 1 was intended to take the power away from the alcohol and having the person take their power back by stopping the addiction.
"W's" first sentence in the first post; "powerless over others" is not true nor correct at all.
In codependency we could say that we are powerless if we keep doing the codependent dysfunctions, because they do not work and those dysfunctions make our lives unmanageable.
And the reality is that we have lots of power over other people, and others have lots of power over us.
And there are many ways to control other people, just as there are many ways that control our selves.
If we are still thinking of ways to "constructively use our powers", we have not stopped strategizing and manipulating. We have the "power" over our actions and our attitudes and THAT IS IT! The sooner we realize that, the sooner we stop trying to control everything. The sooner we are liberated from our god-roles.
To heck with the 12 steps' wording. I never really thought it translated well to codependency anyway. If we can be non-obtrusive and decent %100 then what other people think of us is none of our business.
Booky's right about the original wording. It means that if we allow alcohol into our lives, it takes over. In the same sense, if we allow controlling behavior, or worry, or anxiety into our lives, it can take over.
Step 1: We admitted we are powerless over (alcohol, our addictions to people, places and things) and our lives became unmanageable.
When I was 12, I was swimming in the ocean, after everyone went home. There was a killer undertow all day and it became worse by 7:pm. I am and was an exceptional swimmer and grew up in the ocean. Suddenly I became caught up in the current. I swam like a mental case against the tow and eventually grew exhausted. It's not that I wanted to let go but that I simply had to, I exhausted all of my resources fighting the tow. My life did pass before me and I suddenly felt at peace, once I stopped fighting. (the feeling was so peaceful, that I'm not afraid of death). So I let go, my body went limp and I felt myself suddenly being scraped on the jetty (rocks). I drifted to the other side of the jetty, limp body and all, and drifted towards shore, where fishermen could pull me out. I was saved when I was powerless.
Any comments?
Paradox is a powerful thing.
Thank you.
Besides, forces of nature cannot be persauded, like a person can to leave you alone.
I didn't know that at the time of course. I was 12. But when I was 27 I got sober thru AA, learned about my codependency, went to ACOA to deal with my dad's drinking and have been working "it" ever since. Beleive me, I am a willfull girl to the extreme (I see you are too)
I knew how to be in "survival" mode. I def knew how to "persuade" people, (or manipulate them), but it's so exhausting. Manipulation comes from the need to control to feel powerful and safe and liked. But it's dishonest. I've "tricked" them to get my way. How f-in exhausting is that? When I was a kid, it served me well to survive. I don't need that tool anymore. I'm a grown up (I have to remind myself of that one too).
I can charm the pants off of anyone, believe me. But I choose not to today because it's no good for me, it's exhausting! The letting go mode is something I still have to remind myself of on a daily basis.
I remember when I went into AA I picked everything apart. I hated when they said you have to do service work because, as an excellent codependent, I was sick and tired of "serving" everyone, but me. I fought alcoholism my way for years and it didn't work. Actually for me, I was very releived to surrender to it, accept it, not have to fight it anymore. The more I picked apart everything, the better I admired the genius of the 12 and 12. They thought of everything! I love how they knew not to get involved with promotion of AA thru media or press. It is a program of attraction, not promotion. No controversy. Genius.
The anonymous part, "it's ok to say that I was here, but not that you were here". And you follow that tenant because it is the right thing to do, and then you feel proud of yourself for doing it.
One time I was at a meeting with a huge, def top 5 in the world, musician/singer. That was 20 years ago and, as much as I would love to tell, I never have. I did the honorable thing and I'm proud of myself.
How about "Principal ABOVE personality". Simple yet profound. Reminds me not to be judgemental. To stick to my principals and if someone disagrees with me so be it (big one for me). When I stick to and state my principals, I don't have to call you out, which used to be the norm for me.
Anyway, thank you for bringing it up. It helps me to state and confirm how AA works for me and reminds me, how grateful I am to have found it. It's good to question! You are an intellect, always trying to figure something out, and a bit left brain, if I may. Good luck on your journey.
P.S.: My personal experience with drowning, helps me to remember how good it feels to surrender. Such a relief.
The Promises:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
I def can see delldoug's point re: whether or not it translates well to codependency. She made me think about that and I was reminded when I went to "Overeaters Anonymous". I was anorexic so it wasn't exactly the overeating, but it was about control and numbing the pain, instead of facing it. Their first step was "I am powerless over food"...that really is a hard one in that you have to eat to survive. But it's really not about the food, people, alcohol, drugs, whatever. It's that us addicts are powerless over our addiction. Basically, it's a different way of saying I accept that I am an addict and sheer will has not, will not, work.
"Admitted we are powerless over addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable". period.
Our addictions are a fact for us. Whether inherited thru our gene pool, learned behaviour, by example, all of these, at the end of the day we are simply addicts. I'm sure everyone on this site has tried to think, pray, stifle, not do as much etc.. in in effort to "control" our addiction. The question is has that worked? How are our real relationships? How is our relationship with our selves?
It is a leap of faith for us to trust anyone or anything. It's hard to let go, when we're used to hanging on by sheer will and that's all we know.
The only requirement for membership to CODA is the DESIRE to stop using....(stated in the Traditions). That's all, a desire. Not a requirement to accept a higher power, or to agree with the first step or even to understand it...just your desire to stop being an addict...very basic and simple and for a head strong woman like me, that's about all I could muster when I went to AA, Coda. I did have the disire.
Was there ever a time in your life, when you were a kid, that you felt powerless. You were too little to fight back or change the situation ? That is a hopeless feeling as a kid.
I experienced it and couldn't wait until I grew up and got out of my house and have the power to choose what I wanted. I wanted my power so much I left home at 15, right after I punched my father in the face. I was powerful and a force to be reckoned with. Powerlessness is hopelessness in that scenario.
Since most of the men that wrote the 12 steps were from abusive homes, I'm sure they didn't mean that kind of powerlessness either.
I mention this because my AA "button" , was the "service work" (I still cringe a little on that one). Once I read and learned about my codependency, I realized it was one of my issues I needed/need to work on. I had to learn that the service work that I give is given freely and healthfully, without any attachment to the result, but for it's own sake.
Anyway, thanks for stirring it up...and by the way, for whatever it's worth, and after I read your posts, girl, you aren't a cody, you are a QUEEN Cody! (in my humble opinion).
It takes one to know one.