Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
My guyfriend broke things off in early/mid December because he found someone else he wanted to be serious with. It was painful and I was very low through then end of January. I don't contact him at all. I do still obsess over him sometimes though. About once a week I was creeping via facebook to see if he was still with the new girlfriend. Well, last weekend I found that he and the new girlfriend are already no more.
Yes, it bugs me that I have still be thinking about this man so much. Yes, it bugs me that I feel obsessed to the point that I'm facebook creeping. No, I'm not driving by his place or going through his trash or following him. :P
There's nothing terribly wonderful about this man. He never loved me or treated me like he wanted to love me. My draw to him is that he triggers my daddy/abandonment issues. I had no idea how truly powerful that was for me until I met him.
Now that I know he is single again, I am absolutely craving contact with him. I never thought of myself as a relationship addict until him. I have such powerful fantasies about having a loving, meaningful, relationship with him. I am addicted to that fantasy. It was dead to me when he was with someone else. Now that he's not, I feel it sparking inside me even though I've had no contact with him.
I'm the only one that can control this, yet I'm letting them control me. These kinds of feelings are the exact reason I steer clear of alcohol (most of the time), cigarettes, and drugs of any sort. I would surely become an alcoholic or a drug addict to escape these feelings and any feelings of abandonment that are triggered by relationships.
I'm still working with a therapist and likely will be for a long time. I want to recover from this. I guess I just had to let all that out where others can see it. Journaling just doesn't cut it sometimes.
Yes, it bugs me that I have still be thinking about this man so much. Yes, it bugs me that I feel obsessed to the point that I'm facebook creeping. No, I'm not driving by his place or going through his trash or following him. :P
There's nothing terribly wonderful about this man. He never loved me or treated me like he wanted to love me. My draw to him is that he triggers my daddy/abandonment issues. I had no idea how truly powerful that was for me until I met him.
Now that I know he is single again, I am absolutely craving contact with him. I never thought of myself as a relationship addict until him. I have such powerful fantasies about having a loving, meaningful, relationship with him. I am addicted to that fantasy. It was dead to me when he was with someone else. Now that he's not, I feel it sparking inside me even though I've had no contact with him.
I'm the only one that can control this, yet I'm letting them control me. These kinds of feelings are the exact reason I steer clear of alcohol (most of the time), cigarettes, and drugs of any sort. I would surely become an alcoholic or a drug addict to escape these feelings and any feelings of abandonment that are triggered by relationships.
I'm still working with a therapist and likely will be for a long time. I want to recover from this. I guess I just had to let all that out where others can see it. Journaling just doesn't cut it sometimes.
I think I'm wondering if anyone else relates to having this kind of reaction, no matter why.
I had (and probably still have) been doing this with a particular man for the last 10+ years, we live in the same small town....last year he rejected me in a really weird way (it was like a payback rejection) and it stung me to the point of crazy obsession and to the point where I was hearing about him ALL THE TIME from other people.....in a really crazy making way. I can't honestly say that I know where I am with the entire situation, I haven't seen him since that incident so I feel more detached today. But I don't know, if faced with him again, if I would just get back on the merry go round of obsession again......
Here is the odd thing about him too, is he literally can make every woman obsess about him.....so I am one in a million.....which makes it all the more lame.
Luckily right now I have bigger demons I am slaying right now with my work situation, so he has taken a back seat in the obsession car.......
Anyway, thanks for the share and know.....you are definitely not alone.....but it is a task that I think just calls for time, definitely self esteem and self care (Note that I have made this my priority this year).
Take care of you!!
Its good you avoid alcohol and drugs instead of self medicating or avoiding your feelings.
It helped me a bit when I deleted all the contacts I had - if you block them on facebook it also blocks you from being able to spy on him.
I have had this happen to my self and I have seen it happen many times to other people - that our ex tells us exactly what is wrong with us.
Being serious means having the healthy boundaries, because it means that we speak what we mean and we mean what we speak and that is the healthy BOUNDARY line.
He told you that he has broken up the relationship but you are going to try to keep up the relationship because you do not take his words (his boundary) seriously as being real.
If you want to fix this then you have to start taking the words seriously, as in his words and your own words are the boundaries, and if you cross the words then you are violating the boundaries.
When we violate the boundary lines then we become the abusers.
https://independentfew.wordpress.com/empowering-abuse/
Many people grew up this way that you say no and other people do it anyway, and violating the "no" is violating the boundaries.
I suggest that you take what he said seriously.
This is just my opinion based on my study and experience, and just trying to help.
You are addicted to the FANTASY; not the man. He left you, so even if you DID get back with him, he'd not be faithful, anyway.
I'd check out behavioral therapy and try to break that cycle of obsessive, intrusive thoughts.
Hugs.
It's totally about feeling abandoned by my father when my parents divorced when I was 6. This man is very much like my father was during that time of my life. The wounded child in me is absolutely craving to recreate the emotional relationship that I missed out on with my father. That child in me is trying to recreate that emotional bond with someone like him with the hopes that the man won't leave. Unfortunately, part of picking a man that is like my father was involves picking men that are emotionally unavailable to me. I'll never be able to remake that relationship and have it turn out differently as long as it involves someone that is emotionally unavailable to me. It's an ugly catch 22. So I'm learning how to recognized and turn away from emotionally unavailable men. I'm also going to be working on comforting and protecting that wounded inner child so she doesn't drive me to make the same poor decisions over and over.
therapy . I have a therapist as well . I think I needed to clarify my earlier
response in that I believe you would find the above mentioned materials quite helpful , if you haven't already looked into them. Especially , the one on codependency..
There are many of us out here who understand. Good luck..