I'm young only 21. I've been in relationships constantly since i was 15. Never really ever being alone since then. The most abusive relationship i have been in is my longest one, the one i'm in currently. I met him when i was 16 the day he lost his brother. I liked him the very first time i saw him but i laid low because he had lost his brother that day and it seemed highly inappropriate to pursue the relationship at that time. I met someone else and was with them unofficially until I felt it was ok to pursue this boy. The guy from the other relationship was not hurt he recognized the fact that we were not going to be lasting and was too old for me anyway. We left mutually on good terms.

When i pursue him he avoided me like the plague. Stating that he thought i was ugly until he saw me other guys. This drove him to jealousy because obviously he did not really think i was ugly. I later found out a friend of ours said he thought i was ugly...this friend tried to get with me and i rejected him...so knowing i liked this new boy he tried to sabotage any chance we had. ...he cared to much about what other people thought it was what kept him away. After a month or so he began to talk to me. He fell for me and i for him and the relationship blossomed.

It was a fast moving relationship. One of those relationships where about a year into it we knew everything about one another. He drank a lot though out of depression for loosing his brother and out of jealousy of the guy i had been with before him. He would call me and accuse me of things without any basis. I was more often then not at home asleep when i would get these calls. It would reduce me to a whimpering mess. The next morning apologies and excuses would ensue...stupidly i accepted these. This continued for a few years. I would catch him in lies about drinking and who he was with. He forbade me from male contact and soon contact with anyone but my very best friend yet even when i would meet with her he would call nonstop to see if we were 'behaving' or suggest he come with us on every meet up.

This pushed me to lie often. I would go out and hang out and admittedly flirt with other men. There is not really any excuse except i was excessively lonely. I felt a disconnect and more so then that i was afraid of him. He had alienated me. Told me I could stand to lose weight, told me i was a slut, told me i was a horrible human being and then he would love me and tell me i was everything. I was so confused. I never went farther then flirting though with these men. I hid calls from him with my very best male friend who i had no romantic attachment to. We dated when we were 12 and i left him because i recognized a lack of romantic interest. He was the only person who i could tell the truth to though without judgement.

Soon he found out about me talking to my friend and freaked out. Banning me from speaking to him and claiming i was in love with this boy when i was certain it was nothing more then platonic...like a brother to me. We stopped talking and i continued on in my lonely life. We began to attend school together and fought viciously. He said i made him feel undesirable because i never came after him intimately. I did, i just was not one of those girls who was all over anyone. I went away for a week with my parents and then he cheated on me. With a girl i had asked him if he liked weeks before. Who he had said he didnt and that she was gross and went so far as to yell that i was a horrible person for even suggest such a thing.

She was young. I wont go into detail how young. He had to the courage to tell me in person when he saw me. I want to stress he is not a bad guy but we are just fire and gasoline together. We ignite the worst of one another...we nurture those horrible possessive qualities. The girl basically tortured me over social media when i got home. Sparring no details and telling me why this happened...in her words because she could have anyone she wanted and just wanted to see if she could have him knowing how close we were. I should have left. I didnt though. He begged and pleaded with me. Saying if he wanted her he would have stayed with her and that it was something he did not in his right mind. He'd been drinking among other things.

I let it happen. I moved on in the relationship. I loved him more after it. Though i do not know how to explain why. He stopped most of his abusive behavior when he was sober. He stepped up in a lot of way but i rotted at the most internal part of me because i let this go on unpunished and i was still basically isolated. I knew i had had chances to cheat and didnt so why did this happen to me? He put me in a lot of situations after that, that jeopardized my future. He got me arrested once hanging around his drug addict brother when i was not doing anything. He spit in my face when he was drunk for nothing. We still fight.

I'm still here. I do not know how to leave. I'm afraid. I can not stand the fighting anymore. I can not stand gambling with my future when i do nothing. I can not stand disappointing the people who love me or the friends that despite my distance reach out for that 15 year old girl they used to know. I think i do not know how to be without him. I do not know how to function even though he says if i left he would understand. It does not help that his birthday is soon as well as his brother's death anniversary. I feel like if i left him now it would leave him suicidal. Yet everyday i wake up finding it hard to face myself and the world and justify what i've let go. I find it hard to watch the years drift by wasted. Hi, everyone. I am a love addict. The worst kind. A completely self destructive one.