Excuses*, one letter too long.

Hello, I have a problem with codependency. The problem is me, haha. I need to stop beating around the bush but I can't figure out how to articulate this.

I can't tell if I'm helping the people around me or if I'm just making excuses to undermine this whole accept you have codependency and work through it thing. 

For context: My codependency stems from my childhood (big surprise). I have four younger siblings-- who are my i-would-die-for-you-take-anything-you-need-from-me-my-worth-is-defined-through-how-i-can-help-you people (is there a term for that? the people who you prioritize when at your most codependent?)-- and it's not like our unfortunate situation only affected me. In addition, my current roommate also had a very unfortunate upbringing that I won't get into because that isn't my place. They also have a quasi-adopted sibling with similar but unrelated circumstances and, long story short, the two of them fit the textbook case of codependency as a result of alcoholic parents far better than me. 

It started with my roommate. We were chatting about our plans for the week, ironing out our schedules to make sure we were doing the adulting things and whatnot when I mentioned how I was planning on attending two local CODA meetings which they were unfamiliar with. Because I always need to overexplain everything to everyone, my roommate gets a whole earful of the research I've done into CODA, followed by my research on codependency (and my roommate is plenty privvy to my background so that wasn't a big leap for them to make)-- And, at this point, I've been trying to work up the courage to attend some CODA meetings for I think two or three weeks now and still haven't gone so I blurt out, 'hey would you be interested in going to a meeting or two with me?' 

I don't know if I invited them because I needed the emotional support of bringing a friend, if it was because I knew that they could also possibly benefit from the program (lots of "haha same"s were said when I was explaining a lot of the ways codependency can manifest), or if maybe I was trying to make going to the meeting less about me and more about them so that it was no longer that I was the one with the problem, but it was them that this was for and I was just going to support them. Maybe it was some combination of all of these. Maybe it was something else entirely. They said they were interested and that they thought their sibling might be even moreso but they were more than willing to if it was about me needing a friend to get me there. I don't know how I felt about that but it wasn't all happy feelings.

And then their sibling stopped by the other day and we were chatting about a bunch of fun, mundane things when I remembered the earlier conversation and brought it up. Their sibling was much more visibly emotionally receptive and interested and that felt... better. And I'm not sure I like that I felt like that. Regardless, we've figured out which CODA meetings are best for everyone's schedules and February 3rd is the first date we can all start attending together. I'm glad because I feel like I'll hold myself more accountable about actually going since it's not just me anymore, I'm less nervous because I won't only be around strangers but, I'm also worried that I'm trying to duck that this is supposed to be about me coping with my own bullshit? That I might've just made my trying to get help with codependency into yet another way for me to exercise my codependency muscles and make it about other people getting help and I can just sit back and be the person that helped them rather than ever needing help myself.

The thing that fully pushed me to post this discussion though, and consult you guys about whether or not I'm doing these things for the right reasons, happened about an hour ago. I got a message from one of my siblings. He wasn't doing too hot. Again, not my place to share so I'm going to be vague but-- we figured out a big part of what was making him so uncomfortable, unsatisfied, unhappy, etc. was expectations-- the ones he perceived everyone else having for him and his own expectations for himself. He didn't know how to manage them, how to emotionally interact with them, how to cope with them, and they were tearing him apart. So I told him about codependency, about how our childhoods have left some marks on us that are starting to become more and more obvious as we try to function like adults, and about how I was trying to approach my own hang ups and that there are resources out there that he can try out as well. 

All my research into codependency, into CODA and other programs-- it was finally feeling useful because I wasn't using it for myself. I ended my long messages of "here's the link to this, here's a great site explaining that, here's a youtube channel that helped me, here's an author everyone swears by, and if you need any help at all, let me know" and he doesn't respond. And I. Oof, all that good feeling evaporates. I've been trying not to push. Boundaries. Haven't sent him any other messages since. Giving him space to work through stuff on his own. If he needs me, he'll tell me. So now I'm just left alone with my thoughts and I wonder

Am I Helping? 

Am I sharing my newfound knowledge with people who need it? Or am I just looking for excuses to weasel my way out of committing to this? I feel like a big part of dealing with codependency is learning to focus on me-- What I need (but not always what I want), in terms of self-care, setting boundaries, and being vulnerable. I feel like part of the journey is supposed to be about putting myself first for myself but-- it also feels so selfish even asking this question. Hey, I learned new things that could help other people in my life but isn't this supposed to be about me? It's just so easy to put everyone else first, to make it about them so they're the vulnerable ones and I go back to being the perfectly problemless, always ready to help friend/older sibling. These are people I hate being vulnerable in front of because, god, what if they think-- I don't even know. I genuinely don't know what they'd think if they saw me being vulnerable. Would they be disappointed? I'm terrified that they would be. I think that I fear them deciding I'm worthless, if I'm vulnerable. That I'm not worth keeping around. That I'm some kind of liability. My siblings wouldn't-- I know that but, at the same time

How do I navigate this? How do I cope with this? Should I stop telling my friends and loved ones that I'm trying to pursue this so that I stop dragging them into it? Probably not, right? How do I stay focused on making sure I'm confronting my own stuff without just blocking everyone out?