Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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chronicheadache 10/22/2019

Anyone else can't talk to their significant other about their relationship? My anxiety is through the roof right now. When I try to talk to him about how I feel, he looks put off then I feel terrified and don't know what to say and I stammer and fade away, and he walks out of the room.

I feel ghastly. Why can't I talk to him? There are sometimes I just want to yell, "SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU BECAUSE I CAN'T EFFING TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW I FEEL!" even though I know it's not really his fault. Well, I guess he could be more encouraging with me when he sees that I struggling to say something, but it's mostly my fault for being such a coward. It can't be easy being with someone who stammers and stumbles and is unsure about what she's saying (I never know how I really feel about something - I just want other people to be happy), but if that's the case, why is he still with me? I often dream of leaving this relationship but breaking up with require talking and we're back at square one where I CAN'T TALK TO HIM.

And no, I don't actually want to break up with him. I just want to be in a relationship where I feel comfortable sharing how I feel, and I can't here because I'll start, he'll give a sigh and act like he's trying to be patient with me, and then I don't finish my thought. I feel like I'm being unfair to him, but at the same time, I kind of resent him too.

Some more specific advice seeking - I got us an apartment that he hates I did stuff to make up for my mistake and he did accept it and said I couldn't be punished forever, but he still acts miserable and hates stuff about the apartment, and that's rising my anxiety through the roof. I just want to fix things so he's not unhappy. I did find another place we could move into that I think he'll like better, but when I bring it up (I tried to get us to move earlier and he had the same reaction), he did his sigh thing and I lost my ability to speak, and that ended. I know he doesn't like it here, but he's always reluctant to do anything to move out of here, and acts annoyed whenever I rush in to fix things. So he's annoyed at being here and he's annoyed when I try to find us a place to move.

I don't know what to do. I hate seeing him miserable, and it's making me depressed, but he's not on board with doing anything about it, so I guess I just... watch him be miserable and feel like shit myself? I wish I could talk to him about this.

Anyone else have trouble talking to their partners?

urbangardener 10/23/2019

It appears you are doing too much to make things work in this relationship. It appears you are trying to make him happy, which is impossible. He has to choose to be happy within himself. I don't know why you both are not going out to find new apartments? That sounds a bit like you are rushing to fix what isn't fixable by you. Time to stop fixing and trying to make him happy. Focus on your own stuff and making you happy. No, your happiness does not depend on his happiness. He may never decide to be happy or satisfied in life. He may be a complainer or a blamer or just negative. You do the same typical codependency behavior that I have also done but we have to realize we do this to ourselves. As far as talking about how you feel to him, I am going to suggest you do something different. Get a spiral notebook and write down how you feel every evening before bed. Do not talk to him about how you feel beyond simple everyday conversation. Write down your big feelings, big issues. In a week or two, revisit what you have written. Make a list of things or your feelings you need to talk to him about. Sit down with him at a relaxed time and go over your list with a relaxed voice and not blaming him or making it dramatic. Just simple, I feel angry that you leave your socks on the floor. Not - you are bad to leave your socks on the floor, why can't you think about how I feel. See what happens and if he walks out of the room and won't listen, then you gotta admit the problem is HIM.

chronicheadache 10/23/2019

THANK-YOU! Your message was a HUGE help. I was feeling super anxious yesterday because I found the perfect place for us to move into that I felt would solve all our problems but I had to act fast to get it and we still need to figure out what to do about my current lease, but he didn't want to talk about it and just acted annoyed as he always does when I rush in to fix things.

You're right, I do want to rush in to "fix" things and make him happy. Things used to be great between us and they have deteriorated lately, and I want to get back to when I was able to make him happy. I've been getting mad at myself for screwing up in the last year when before I just seem to knew what he wanted when he needed it. Now it's like I'm a piano player who hit one wrong note and now can't stop hitting all the wrong ones. I do have to learn to focus on my own happiness and not have it depend on his.

You mentioned I had codependent traits that you used to have earlier. Can you tell me what they were and how you got over them?

I love your suggestion about writing things down and bringing it up when things are more relaxed. I'll definitely do that.

Thanks so much for listening. I feel a lot more calmer now.

mirandac 10/23/2019

It took me a lot of work to stop being a doormat
once I was in recovery. I had To learn How to state
Myself Clearly using “I” statements with my Then
husband.

I feel, i want, i need etc, saying you made me
is blaming and its also giving Away your power.

Dysfunctional relationships often do not Improve
they Can get worse and can become Toxic. My
Marriage seemed very happy for the first ten years
then things Changed. He no longer validated me
Or heard me really. Our relationship started being
all about him.

Realistically We can only fix and change ourselves
not Others. I myself went to alanon and to therapy
To help me get better, saner and stronger. My marriage
had gotten toxic and he had checked out.

A Healthy relationship has healthy communication
At its core and both people should have self love.

We did not get like this overnight. Often we come
from it then we Find like partners, I know i did, hugs
and welcome To the group

chronicheadache 10/23/2019

Thank-you for warm welcome! You're right, we didn't get here overnight, and it's going to take time and hard work to get better. I really liked what you said about "I feel, I want, I need" versus "you made me" as taking away our power. I know at the end of the day, my codependency is MY issue and it's something I do to myself and it's something that I'm responsible to heal from. I'm looking into codependency support groups I can join in my city. I think that will help a lot.

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage turned toxic. That must have been incredibly difficult, especially when one is codependent. It's so easy to ignore one's needs and wants that way and let bad behaviour go. It seems like you found another partner who you're happy with. If that's the case, I'm very happy for you :) I don't think my relationship is toxic yet, and I really want to give it another shot where I'm able to be more assertive and more myself.

mirandac 10/23/2019

Learning to be assertive without being aggressive is a great goal. It took me awhile to state my needs with him after starting recovery. It was way too late in the game to change our dance if anything it only got worse. He was in AA to my alanon. He was long checked out and we Started having those stupid circular arguments that went no where.

I don't have another partner. I was married for 30 years and Its been 4 years since the divorce. Talk about my codependency smacking me in the face with the need to detach from him when i Had moved out of town after the divorce. It has been a long hard journey.

chronicheadache 10/23/2019

Wow... I completely believe it has been a long hard journey. Good on you for having the courage and self-respect to leave a toxic relationship. That requires a lot of bravery, which is something I hope to have one day. Thank-you for sharing that.

mirandac 10/23/2019

I had no idea i had gotten that codependent
on him. I was okay with most people And
pretty Detached from my family.

In Many ways i Had married A mix of my
mother and Father. I was not even really
that dysfunctional anymore. I did have
some therapy In my 20’s and had detached
from my enmeshing sick mother. She was
Pretty relentless though.

My ex was a dry drunk and me A codependent.
I had to walk on eggshells a lot with him. He just
no longer drank anymore. He never relapsed the
whole marriage, Hugs

Momof2kids 10/28/2019

You're getting some great advice-I just wanted to jump in and say I have been there. I tried to hard to fix everything and make my husband happy, that in counseling he said "I don't even know who she is anymore-she's a different person every week." Wow, that really made me stop and realize that trying to make him happy was only confusing him. We had to both stop and learn to listen to each other, instead of fixing (me) or blaming (him). Therapy helped tremendously-that's all I will say. Please post back and let us know how you are doing.

chronicheadache 10/29/2019

Thank-you momof2kids for your encouragement! I’m delighted to read that you and your husband were able to listen to each other in therapy. I’m glad it helped. It is hard trying not to fix everything and make someone else happy. I get so nervous when others are unhappy. Slowly, hopefully, I will make improvements in that regard.Wishing you well on your road to recovery.

urbangardener 10/29/2019

What good insight you have, Chronicheadache. I can relate to being nervous or anxious when others are unhappy. I used to be this way and used to feel that I had no value unless others were validating me. External validation. I decided to stop being that way and started validating me (internal validation). I just simply decided this had not helped me in life and flipped my script. I used mantras or sayings and I made myself stop and think before sliding into that needing others to be happy and thus validate my worth and value to them. I also began to tell myself that I have to love myself first. I am kinda militant about it right now, meaning I do what is best for me in my self love and others sometimes get unhappy. I wanted to leave a party last weekend, and my friend was fussing, please stay longer, and I just said to myself I am ready to go and I left. I actually thought to myself I am ready to go and I am going. This is a big change for me. I would have stayed longer in the past, even though I was getting miserable with the headache. My husband and I were just now talking about a piece of furniture in our house that needs replacing. He asked why I had purchased what I had purchased before. The answer was kinda sad. I had little self-value and thought I didn't deserve something better quality so I went cheap and now it needs replacing. We were not arguing, it was just a discussion about replacing this item. But I had a major brain breakthrough.

chronicheadache 10/29/2019

Wow, thanks for your kind words, urbangardener. I think you have good insight and more importantly, good practical advice. What you wrote about external validation really resonated with me, and man, what you wrote purchasing that cheap furniture because you didn't think you deserve better quality - I can so relate to that. It's kind of heartbreaking, but I'm hoping part of the breakthrough you had was that you're allowed to get better. For so long, it was kind of alien to me that I was allowed to be happy, and didn't have to earn it. I always "went cheap" and contributed more than others because I never felt I earned it yet. It's only been in the last few years that I accepted that I can ask for more, though I still fall back on old habits.

I'm glad to read about your leaving the party when you were done with it. Good on you for standing your ground like that. I have all the respect for you for setting a boundary like that. It's important for us to take care of ourselves first.

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