Codependency Support Group
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I cannot even express what this feeling is, I don't know why this bothers me, but it just does. Thankfully I was able to draw a boundary about it today......but here is the story.
My dad and mom split when I was 6 months old, a gnarly family revelation about my dad came up and so they split. For him I believe he saw it as a relief to drop the dead weight of kids, but it broke his heart because I believe my mom was the love of his life. For my mom she was horrified about the path he was on, he had done something monstrous and she just wanted to be free of him....but she too has admitted he was the love of her life.
Anyway, thru the years my father has been majority absent of my life, he was a complete alcoholic drug user and the time I did spend with him was extremely toxic, volatile and not safe for a child to be around. Don't mind the broad strokes of this story, they are not what is the crux of my issue.
So look, I have never been fond of the man, and frankly felt thankful that he was a blip on the radar of my life. I have siblings 2 older and 2 younger who are his children and I feel like they are the gift, he was absent in their lives as well and a complete douche. Ok....clear as can be right?
Well my mom and I revisit certain things about him, ALOT. I mean for the most part I feel like it is a story I can never get away from......I gotta be honest that part in and of itself is draining so maybe my threshold for this juicy bit is just not up to snuff.....but if I hear one more time that my father wanted me to be aborted from my mother.....I feel like I am going to literally crawl out of my skin.
Today I had finally had enough of hearing that, so I just said "Look I am not all dwelling on this every day, but you say this almost every time you tell a story about him and frankly I don't want to hear that he wanted me aborted again....like I seriously can't hear that again". She immediately apologized, she said that it wasn't really even the story she was trying to convey at that moment, and then here was the kicker said "I will try to remember that"......try....no don't say it again!
Anyway, I am not sure what it is about hearing that you father wanted you aborted in particular, that is seriously bugging......but it is BUGGIN' big time, like it feels like a multi layer cake of reasons and I can't even pick one because it would diminish the others.......
Anyway, any insight on this one would be helpful because I can't even fully describe or understand what the feeling is really....like I know the guy is a piece of crap so it seems like I would expect nothing less...but that particular tid bit feels just a slight bit too much to hear.
Anyway......*whew* really really really had to get that one off my chest!
My dad and mom split when I was 6 months old, a gnarly family revelation about my dad came up and so they split. For him I believe he saw it as a relief to drop the dead weight of kids, but it broke his heart because I believe my mom was the love of his life. For my mom she was horrified about the path he was on, he had done something monstrous and she just wanted to be free of him....but she too has admitted he was the love of her life.
Anyway, thru the years my father has been majority absent of my life, he was a complete alcoholic drug user and the time I did spend with him was extremely toxic, volatile and not safe for a child to be around. Don't mind the broad strokes of this story, they are not what is the crux of my issue.
So look, I have never been fond of the man, and frankly felt thankful that he was a blip on the radar of my life. I have siblings 2 older and 2 younger who are his children and I feel like they are the gift, he was absent in their lives as well and a complete douche. Ok....clear as can be right?
Well my mom and I revisit certain things about him, ALOT. I mean for the most part I feel like it is a story I can never get away from......I gotta be honest that part in and of itself is draining so maybe my threshold for this juicy bit is just not up to snuff.....but if I hear one more time that my father wanted me to be aborted from my mother.....I feel like I am going to literally crawl out of my skin.
Today I had finally had enough of hearing that, so I just said "Look I am not all dwelling on this every day, but you say this almost every time you tell a story about him and frankly I don't want to hear that he wanted me aborted again....like I seriously can't hear that again". She immediately apologized, she said that it wasn't really even the story she was trying to convey at that moment, and then here was the kicker said "I will try to remember that"......try....no don't say it again!
Anyway, I am not sure what it is about hearing that you father wanted you aborted in particular, that is seriously bugging......but it is BUGGIN' big time, like it feels like a multi layer cake of reasons and I can't even pick one because it would diminish the others.......
Anyway, any insight on this one would be helpful because I can't even fully describe or understand what the feeling is really....like I know the guy is a piece of crap so it seems like I would expect nothing less...but that particular tid bit feels just a slight bit too much to hear.
Anyway......*whew* really really really had to get that one off my chest!
Anybody who says that to you is just plain insulting to your sensibilities...
I think it is HER way of saying she's regretting being a mom to you... Like she was a martyr for going through with having you.
Passive aggression, anyone?
But I do believe she wants to drive home as much as humanly possible that she lost the love of her life due to keeping me and "isn't she so much better than my dad" sort of jive......and I am not down with playing that game.
We don't even need further confirmation that she is the better parent, it is just a given....to leverage that story to obtain that confirmation is what is driving me batty.....
I swear I woke up a different human being today because of that one small adjustment in accepting her truth........it is the first of what I believe to be my journey to full on self acceptance and self worth/esteem (I keep doing that now because of Booky's definitions HAHAHAH)
Anyway, its a new dawn, its a new day....and I'm feeling good......
Glad you are in a good space.
Hugs.
Congrats on getting such a troublesome feeling off of your chest and for the realization to which it brought you. Many of us here are VERY glad that you exist :)
My one mini-perspective suggestion is that it sounds to me like maybe she's not only playing the "see how much better I am than your dad" game, but also the "you owe me big time, so be nice to me" game. I say this because of some comments you've made before about her need to "get even" with you and some other behaviors. I probably say it also because I've had the "you owe me for your existence" trick played on me. This is obviously bulls***. Even if that were a "debt," anyone who holds that over someone else's head for so many years clearly intends never to allow that person to "repay" it.
Congrats again on taking another big step on the journey.