Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi,
So I am completely new to this. I have recently gone back to seeing my therapist as it would appear I have gotten myself into a codependent relationship once again. Yesterday we broke up and instead of crumbling and begging my ex partner to stay I just said okay and packed my stuff and left. I felt such a relief but then he contacted me and said he didnt mean to say he wanted to break up and that he couldnt bare to lose me. However this is at least the 4 or 5th time this has happened. I have been waking up with intense anxiety and sometimes it lasts all day. I currently live in a different country and do not have a good network of friends here so I feel completely alone. My therapist said at this stage it would be better for me to return home because at home I have a strong network of close friends and family. However I am terrified to go home because it means I wont be able to see my partner again. The rational part of me knows that it is the best thing to do . To go and start again and start focusing on myself but why cant I do it. Why cant I let go of a relationship that is clearly making me unhappy. Any help ,support or advice would be grately appreciated :-)
Sorry to hear about your recent breakup. Those on again off again relationships are so psychologically damaging. You have my condolences. They tend to happen for many reasons, but often along the lines of avoidance of intimacy with self.
Get two people. Put them together. Let safety and intimacy develop. After the initial buzz.. Those people have to spend time with themselves without the buzz from the other.. They dont know how to do that.. and since so much of what they called happiness came from the external other person.. its normal to blame them. You move away from them, stop talking, stop communicating, avoid intimacy, get suppressed anger going, all sorts of stuff that basically do this: "I am not going to ensure my own happiness inside myself and im going to put up big walls to you, and if you try to force me to take them down, ill consider that as if you are trying to make me do something i dont want to do".
Since happiness is being dependent on the other, when it gets to the break up stage, the most dependent tends to try to stop it.. after all.. they've already subconsciously decided not to be happy with themselves.. so they cant allow that to occur. If the break up proceeds. It's usually less than 3 months before the next dependency cycle begins.
If you are indeed codependent, and took this break up seriously.. your therapist probably sees a chance for you to end the cycle and once again try learn to be with yourself. It feels gross and scary at the start, but that passes, just like pain over a breakup passes. You've done them before i assume. So you know the drill. It passes.
You answered your own question if i may point out for you?
Question: "Why cant I let go of a relationship that is clearly making me unhappy. "
Answer: "However I am terrified to go home because it means I wont be able to see my partner again. "
The reason tends to be simple enough. You treat yourself worse than the other person treats you at times.. Or at least that is how you percieve it. If i put two boxes in front of you and told you to pick one. You pick the one you know is best for you. Same thing. You will only get with people who are not good for you if you think they may be better for you that your current existence. So that is why we focus on our own relationship with self.
The questions i would focus on are, if i may advise a little is "Why am i terrified of losing this relationship? What will happen if i do? What will happen if i don't? What is worst and better for me? What fears do i actually have that i know don't make sense but in the moment i believe them? If this relationship really offer me what i want..why am i in break up number 5 of it? What can i do to make my own existence so good that this is considered a step back to stay in these cycles?"
Op, you deserve happiness. You deserve long lasting, pretty much every day peaceful happiness with sprinklings of pleasure. That only arrives by taking each day at a time, and focusing on each moment and studying it.
After a breakup there is this tendency to have these prolonged absolute thoughts like "I'll always regret".. "Ill always be in this cycle".. "I" and a sense of always/forever are a big root of codependency behavior. IF we truly focus on how temporary things really are, especially the bad stuff, we wouldnt fear it that much.. In 2-3 weeks, its practically all over when you go cold turkey. After that, its rebuild stage.
Another useful reference frame you might like is, dont think of it as a breakup. Think of it as finally starting a relationship with the one person who will absolutely be with you every moment of your life until the last.. Treat that relationship with all the energy you would put into these others ones. Make that your priority.
Find out all your triggers and use them for your benefit. Block or avoid the negative ones. Surround yourself with the positive ones from books, laughter videos, people, family, hobbies.. Study your passions and your path ahead of you.
It truly is an amazing adventure.. Full of scary monsters and scary moments... but its like finding treasure each time you beat one of them.
Hope you figure it out OP. When it doubt and too confused, take space and ask the people who demonstrate happy healthy lives to you that dont really care that much if you are well or not because they are going to be happy anyway. Those people wont try to control you but will simple give you the advice they have learned to be true.