Hi ss.

My own view (and it took me years to get this) is that the vast majority of mankind have various levels of codependency, and as such virtually every person that I meet or hear or read or see on TV or anywhere - all (all) have some level of codependency, and because I study this discipline then I always see it in other people.

So now this reality is just a fact of life for me.

I constantly see other people shame their self or shame others, and they mesh boundaries or violate boundaries (to various degrees) and their emotions are out of control - and I have to deal with it everyday and with virtually every person including that I must monitor myself too.

So here now is my most serious and sincere advice on how to truly handle it and to deal with it:

We simply must have religion and God and real faith in order to love our enemies, and for us to do right to those who do wrong, and to be considerate to those who are NOT considerate, and pray for those who despitefully use us, and etc etc etc.

See Bible Luke 6:32-36 here:
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+6%3A32-36&version=KJV

Some one tells us a lie then that is them being an enemy - so be loving to thy enemy, if they steal or cheat or violate a boundary or whatever then they are being an enemy - so love thy enemy.

That does not mean to let our self be trashed or degraded, but it might mean that we do not take their sickness as personally and we do not have to react in a sick way to ignorant people.

Your friend said something inappropriate - well it will never be the last time they do - so be friends with them anyway.

Your Dad does things which are inappropriate - well it will never be the last time that he does - so accept that your Dad can screw up.

Your friend ask for too much - so find a way to be truly honest with them, and honest means expressing your true feelings.

This is my way and it works well for me.

Booky- what was inappropriate about what the friend said?

Hi DeliA, I see that as a great question.

When I said "inappropriate" then I really meant on a very small scale and on a minor level of inappropriate and NOT as some large act like a major violation.

To call some one names is small inappropriate while a sexual assault would be huge inappropriate, so it has different degrees of application.

So:

1) The friend was giving unsolicited advice based on their presumption that they knew more and knew better than did ss. Of course it is a small infraction and just a minor offense (just a little inappropriate) so we need to be forgiving and maybe turn the other cheek and try to keep the friend instead of becoming defensive over a small infraction.

NOTE: That is just my opinion of course, but one must have religious faith that tells us to be forgiving instead of getting angry at our friend.

2) The Dad is checking up of his adult daughter which demonstrates a lack of trust and it violates her space (just a little inappropriate) and she knows he does it out of love, so again we need to forgive and let the little stuff go.

NOTE: We need to only fight the BIG battles and just let the small offenses pass by, and only our faith allows us to be so charitable to other people.

3) This one was a more important example in that the friend was asking her (ss) to sooth her feeling of being hurt by coming to see her more often. This was an attempt to control through shame and it violates a codependency boundary, BUT STILL it too is just a little inappropriate because close friends often say and do such things. As such the correct response is to explain to that friend how and why their friendship is not dependent on how often they meet or speak to each other.

NOTE: These things happen constantly between human beings, so we all have to bend and adjust our self to some other person because saying something out of line or doing some thing unfit and so life just happens that way to us all.

Some one grabs your butt then that is big inappropriate, and if they smack our face then that is even bigger inappropriate, so small insults from family or friends simply must be over looked or else we need to find nice ways of responding where we tell the person in a very nice way.

I find that Bartenders and Waiters do this stuff brilliantly, because there are always drinking or drunk customers who talk trashy and or act crude rude while the Bartender just smiles or walks away or responds with a funny punch line. So if one ever wants to become a master at dealing with codependency then just watch a Bartender at work. The funny thing about that though is that many of the Bartenders will only do that on their job, and when they are not working they go back to their codependent responses.

Just my perspective here.
Booky

Thank you very much for your advice, it's brought me closer to acceptance.

You answered my question, but in so doing you made me realize that's not (only) what I needed.
While these things are not big offenses, they are big disturbances to me. They make me feel uncomfortable and anxious for hours afterwards. I read somewhere that you react to that in others which you're unhappy with in yourself. Maybe that's the case. If so, do you have any advice for that? Maybe just accept that these things have this effect on me right now and trust that it will diminish as I grow in my own recovery?

Once again, thank you. I wouldn't have gotten to that conclusion without your advice.

If I understand you correctly - and I hope that I do - then you simply do not forgive your self.

The principle goes like this = Love thy neighbor as thy self.

So if we do not love our self then it is hard to love any other person.

And like the other stuff - even love has variable levels of very deep love or shallow love or selfish kind of love and etc etc.

So yes I love myself - but I do not forgive myself - then what depth of love is that?

And we love our parents but do we forgive them? or do we hold old grudges? or do we cover up wrongdoing? and so real love is very conditional.

What about our friends - do we care more about their feelings than our own? do we care more about their offenses then our own? do we forgive them as we forgive our self?

The great prayer is sometimes translated like this:
Our Father which are in Heaven .... forgive us our trespasses (or debts) as we forgive the trespasses (or debts) of others.

So if you say some thing stupid or insensitive to your friend or to your Dad then do not you want them to be considerate of you?

To me this sound very similar to what you just said = " ... that you react to that in others which you're unhappy with in yourself."
Yes indeed.

So first find the peace and happiness in thy self and then we will stop reacting to others who do the same.

You also said this = "They make me feel uncomfortable and anxious for hours afterwards"

And I do not see that as so severe, and you might be doing far better then you think, and that maybe you are just not giving your self the due credit.

I myself have stayed up all night sometimes because of some insensitive stuff said to me, and I have to still today hide or suppress some of my own hurt feelings until I get home and settle down and then think it through.

I also have family members who have not talked to each other for many years based on some silly meaningless grudges as if their being offended is more important then talking to me as their brother or talking to their sisters in our family.

So maybe you are doing very well if you can get over an insult in a few hours, because very many times we just need one (1) day to sleep over it and start afresh for a new day.

Therefore my advice is to start being easier on your self, and then the sins of other people will not matter so much.

The NEGATIVE Golden Rule goes like this:
Do not do unto others what we do not want done to our self.

Thanks for asking.

Thank you for great insights and good luck to you in your journey