Hi TeelaNa,

I can sooo identify with this, and I'll share my experience, hoping it can lead you to some insights. I had an unhappy marriage, and for the last three years or so, I went numb. I had chronic insomnia and couldn't really feel anything except for body aches. My dad passed away during that time in 2008, and while I thought I mourned him at the time, I didn't really. Not deeply anyway, which was a discovery I made just this past fall.

The impetus that caused my grief to surface surprised me. Shortly after the 6th anniversary of my father's death, just this past fall, I attended a new church where they had a ritual for mourning the dead. It was Halloween weekend, and there's a holiday associated with it, but the name escapes me now. During this ritual (I didn't know about it before b/c I was new to the church), people said a few words about their loved ones and placed their photographs on an alter at the front. During the ceremony, I started sobbing and couldn't stop. I was completely inconsolable. It was as if all the grief I felt over my father's passing started to pour out as people shared their memories of their loved ones. It became a safe place to experience my grief. Other people were crying, too, and it was a sort of invitation for me to let go.

I have since done a lot of crying over my dad in my therapist's office, too. But it took a year of working with him for me to feel comfortable enough to allow the raw emotions to surface. Ever since the church service, it's been easier to allow the grief to come to the surface.

It took a long time, though, b/c my dad passed away in 2008, and my marriage was pretty rocky at that point. My divorce was finalized in 2013, but for the last few years of my marriage, I didn't really feel much of anything. As I mentioned, I sort of went numb. I had chronic insomnia and walked around in a daze for about a year and a half. The only thing I could really feel was odd body aches. I got to the point where everything hurt except what was inside. When all this was going on, I couldn't mourn my dad properly, and it took about 1-1/2 yrs after my divorce was finalized until it happened.

My grief came on spontaneously, but you can probably access it by finding out what works for you -- talking to a therapist or a trusted friend, playing sad music, watching a sad movie, etc. I think that's a valid way to access it, too, or maybe check out some books on grieving if you like to read. But the right church service can be a real tearjerker for me, if the minister is a gentle sort of person. Yes, you'll cry in front of other people, but I wasn't judged for it, and people were surprisingly supportive. Some of them were crying, too. I remember one woman just touched my shoulder, which made me sob more, but she was saying, I'm with you. I'm a witness. And it was sort of beautiful how she gave me permission.

So I think that's the takeaway -- whatever you can do to give yourself permission to feel. You don't have to be the strong one anymore. The fact that you recognize that you need to do this strikes me as positive b/c you are aware that it will lead to healing. I hope you can find the permission you need to grieve your grandma. Not sure yet what the connection is between codependency and emotional numbness, but there is probably a link. Good luck, TeelNa, and I'd love to know what works for you.

I really do not comprehend grieving for the dead.

My view might be wrong as I grew up with cold hearted people.

But old people are to die as that is what happens to the elderly, so grieving their death makes no sense to me.

I had an elderly guy friend who passed away in 2011 and I can never forget that there was one time where I was desperate and needed a true friend and he was there for me when no one else was, and I still today miss my old friend and he was closer to me than any of my own family, and he got cremated so I can not even go visit his grave.

Of course I have other friends, and the only grief that I have is that I remember him and I grieve my own loss but he was a much older man and it was his time to die and he died honorably.

Never had any grief for my parents dying.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Read the above about the stages. MOst times it is about just experiencing the feelsing that come from such losses.

That list of 7 stages of grief seems way outside of my own scope.

Maybe I am not the best one to discuss this subject.

Do not we expect for elderly people to die, and long term sick people are expected to die, so I do not understand the shock or the anger or the depression, because death is a very real part of life, and it even could be said that death is a natural healthy part of life.

I once met a Woman who was crying hysterical and so I asked her what was wrong? her father had died, so was he old? yes she said he was old, and he was sickly and you must have known he was dying did not she? yes she knew. So I became stunned as what the hell is she crying about?

I have sympathy for people in pain, but that crying over death is not in my scope.

Maybe I am cold hearted? but I would not trade places with those who can not handle death and dying.

Those 7 stages:
1) SHOCK & DENIAL-
2) PAIN & GUILT-
3) ANGER & BARGAINING-
4) "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5) THE UPWARD TURN-
6) RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7) ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
===

Maybe it would be different if a young healthy person dies suddenly by accident or it is our spouse who died as then there would be a reason for SHOCK.

Just my own perspective.

Grief comes when any major changes occur in life. It is a natural process by which we adjust to such changes. There is no real time frame or any rules about how to do it.

When mom died, I felt sad then angry and indifferent and happy all in the same hour. Some days were just too much trouble to get out of bed. Others, it seemed like I was "over it".

When my dog died, I cried non stop for four days. I still miss him greeting me when I come home and being there on walks.

It is individual to each person.

Booky, I am glad you posted. I feel that way, too. If there are old people who die, it's like, "well, they lived a full life," so where's the huge amount of grief?

I think grieving is about the living dealing with the loss. The more secure you are in this life, the less you will worry about anything or any one that leaves it.

That said, how to begin grieving the loss of your GM? You could watch a movie that deals with that sort of topic. Or make a list of all the great things about her and what you missed.

Things you stuffed down will bubble up as you are willing to receive it.

Hugs.

There's nothing wrong with grieving and you're probably ashamed to be grieving? I dunno. I've been grieving every day, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time limit for grief either and not everyone grieves the same. I know this because I lost my mom almost 8 years ago and also my grandma in June. I don't know why people think grieving is bad when it is not. They just don't know what it's like to lose someone close to them and it's true. I do, I've been there myself.

Don't worry about what people think, they are not you. Take all the time you need. Don't let anyone tell you to get over it or move on, they don't know what they're talking about. As for me, overall I am doing okay. It gets bearable in the time, but I'll never stop grieving. I'll grieve for the rest of my life if I have to because she WAS my mother, for god's sake.