Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Lately I keep re-reading the statement that co-dependents make to remind themselves to relinquish power over other people, and the more I think about it, the more confused I become about where the limits are to this statement.
The statement is:
I am not responsible for how other people feel.
In some ways it reminds me of the Bill of Rights in America, which guarantees freedom of speech. Everybody knows this - everybody treasures this, and everybody can relate to this - not just being an American right, but moreover being a human right. You have the right to say what you want.
On the other hand, in today's modern society - especially if you do - you can quickly discover just how limited your rights are.
In 2002-2003, publically advocating to have Mr. George W. Bush impeached for violately civil rights of untried, uncharged Islamic prisoners in Guantanamo, could have you arrested under the Patriot Act, for saying something which supported terrorism (interpretation of the law).
Yes, you could say what you want, but it didn't mean you could go unpunished. Just like telling your boss off will not put you in jail, but it most likely will get you fired.
Do you get the picture - theoretically you can say what you want - but the reality is that it does not necessary go unpunished.
Likewise when a sweeping statement is made to help co-dependents "You are not responsible for other peoples' feelings", I wonder about the limits to it. And I wonder if the "it's not your fault" implications apply.
For example, if I get into a fight with my husband, and he says hurtful things to me, and I say hurtful things back at him, can I honestly insist, "I am not responsible for his feelings?" His feelings were affected by something I deliberately did.
This co-dependency things gets to me when I get the impression that I have to give up caring about people, and above all caring if something I said or do affects someone negatively.
It would seem that it is really asking too much to swing in the complete opposite direction, and say:
"I don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own."
"I don't care if anything I say affects people negatively - that's their problem."
"I will never-ever put anyone else's needs above my own - not for even a day or a minute."
"I don't care about anyone else's needs except my own."
"I am not supposed to feel good about myself when I go out of my way for other people, because that's co-dependency - and I don't want to be that."
That's all about narcissicism - and that's not what I want to me - egocentrical, self-absorbed, self-centered, stuck-up.
Help me! I am trying to find the middle thing! Nobody here wants to be Mother Theresa - but nobody here wants to be Scrouge, either.
The statement is:
I am not responsible for how other people feel.
In some ways it reminds me of the Bill of Rights in America, which guarantees freedom of speech. Everybody knows this - everybody treasures this, and everybody can relate to this - not just being an American right, but moreover being a human right. You have the right to say what you want.
On the other hand, in today's modern society - especially if you do - you can quickly discover just how limited your rights are.
In 2002-2003, publically advocating to have Mr. George W. Bush impeached for violately civil rights of untried, uncharged Islamic prisoners in Guantanamo, could have you arrested under the Patriot Act, for saying something which supported terrorism (interpretation of the law).
Yes, you could say what you want, but it didn't mean you could go unpunished. Just like telling your boss off will not put you in jail, but it most likely will get you fired.
Do you get the picture - theoretically you can say what you want - but the reality is that it does not necessary go unpunished.
Likewise when a sweeping statement is made to help co-dependents "You are not responsible for other peoples' feelings", I wonder about the limits to it. And I wonder if the "it's not your fault" implications apply.
For example, if I get into a fight with my husband, and he says hurtful things to me, and I say hurtful things back at him, can I honestly insist, "I am not responsible for his feelings?" His feelings were affected by something I deliberately did.
This co-dependency things gets to me when I get the impression that I have to give up caring about people, and above all caring if something I said or do affects someone negatively.
It would seem that it is really asking too much to swing in the complete opposite direction, and say:
"I don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own."
"I don't care if anything I say affects people negatively - that's their problem."
"I will never-ever put anyone else's needs above my own - not for even a day or a minute."
"I don't care about anyone else's needs except my own."
"I am not supposed to feel good about myself when I go out of my way for other people, because that's co-dependency - and I don't want to be that."
That's all about narcissicism - and that's not what I want to me - egocentrical, self-absorbed, self-centered, stuck-up.
Help me! I am trying to find the middle thing! Nobody here wants to be Mother Theresa - but nobody here wants to be Scrouge, either.
For example, it's great that you are able to help others out and its wonderful to feel good about what you do for others but dont forget to do things for yourself too. And the key there is to not feel guilty when you do, do something for yourself. It is ok to tell someone, "no I can't do this today", because you have to do something personal first. It doesn't make you a bad person.
You cannot be afraid to say no to other people nor should you be afraid to speak your mind sometimes even if it isn't what other people want to hear. It is what makes you who you are. You are never really your true self until you take care of you first.And that includes your spouse, children, family. A mother who burns herself out caring for her children 24/7 so that they have everything they want is not a good mother because she is not really there for them as a person.
Basically I think you need to take care of yourself before you take care of someone else. That way you can be the best that you are. If you do nothing but give and give and tell other people what they want to hear you are never being yourself.
This includes the simple things like, you choosing where to go out to eat, you telling someone you'll help them tomorrow instead of today, you getting your hair done while the kids are in school then getting theirs done later that day.
Bottom line I truly believe is that you do have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of the rest of the world and that's NOT being selfish. Because when you feel good about yourself, you are a better person as a whole to everyone else.
Bottom line, Weiss,if you have to ask what "I am not responsible for how other people feel" you're not a codpenedent, or your just not ready. God bless and good luck to you...(get out of your head and begin to feel)
"I am not responsible for how other people feel."
is intended for a codependent person suffering under abuse, and it is not a statement for a healthy individual.
It could and would be better worded as like this;
"I am not responsible for how my addicted abuser feels."
because codependent people often do believe they are responsible and that is the intended point of that statement.
So I also agree with "Weissdorn's" later point that taking the statement literally and applying it to a healthy person then the statement is very incorrect.
If a husband and wife say hurtful things to each other then they can be held responsible for the other spouse's feelings.
We truly can control how others feel by giving them presents and giving compliments or by giving insults and abuse.
So I say that codependency treatment does need to become more accurate and precise in our terminology as it does need to be better done.
We do not want to be insensitive to the feelings of other, and we must separate healthy from abusive.
Amaste.
Ayn Rand wrote a short piece called 'The Virtue of Selfishness,' and often it is perceived negatively for the same reasons you are concerned about. The truth is, some people need to be more selfish to simply be at a healthy level of self-care. Some people give too much, thus they need to be reminded to be more selfish. Conversely, of course, a narcissist does not need to be told to be more selfish, so Rand's logic would be disastrous for them by solidifying what is already a bad habit.
As long as you keep in mind that the idea is not to go to an extreme, rather, to be moderate; you can safely take that advice and better yourself. Trust me: I worry about the same thing. :)