A book that helped me Thomas Moore "Care for the Soul".

Some of the questions you're asking are the exact same things I ask myself these days. I think part of the problem is me. What I mean by that is what am I doing to attract people that will only hurt and/or leave me? And what can I do to change that? If no one wants you it's their loss, but don't forget the value in wanting and loving yourself.
I myself have a hell of time being ok with me and I think it's because when I get caught up in another person, I don't have to deal with my stuff as much, I get to focus on them. It seems to make everything go away, until that person leaves, than I'm stuck with the issues I've ignored. What I'm trying to say is, why rely on people that aren't there when you need them? Or care for someone that doesn't deserve you? Why can't it be you who makes that fairy tale ending happen for yourself?
And I apologize if this is long winded, I just wish to try and help, and I know that you don't deserve to be treated that way. None of us do. And I think one way to start truly believing that is to treat yourself how you want to be treated by others. If they won't show you kindness or love, than be that much kinder and loving towards yourself. Take care (:

Hi Sunsets,

You are a worthwhile person and I hope you can start believing that about yourself. Are their any support groups in your area like Al-Anon for one? Mastery of self is the absolute most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. It means moving out of our comfort zones and doing things that feel uncomfortable, but they will become comfortable over time.

I do not know much about your circumstances (student, working, etc.) but there must be other people in your area that you can connect with. My church has been a tremendous source of strength for me. If you can start focusing on yourself, what you like, what you are interested in, what you like to do, and start doing them (without your boyfriend), you will meet others with similar interests.

It might take therapy to help you identify and move away from certain patterns.

This discussion has been on other threads, but I am a firm believer that there is a lot of love available to us, all kinds and if we want to feel love, we just have to feel loving toward people. The more you build all kinds of loving relationships in your life, the more you will attract the good stuff.

For example, getting to know a neighbor, enjoying a neighbor's children with them, sharing and listening to people of all ages. Try putting yourself out there to others, not with an expectation of a romantic relationship, but just building relationships in general. It is very satisfying to have lots of loving relationships.

What happens (or at least did for me) is that others become a source of love and strength too. And when loss happens, you can cope better because you still have love, from lots of people.

Keeping you in prayer,

Shar

Dear sunsets1386 this statement "He's all Ive got." is wrong. You have got more than you can imagine. Look inside of you.

You are a beautiful young lady with a look of determination in your eye showing from your picture. Someday it's likely you will be a mom like many of us. Your life has been disappointing but it can be more than that. I hope that you can find Al-Anon in your area and come to this board to find friends who can help pull you out of this. You deserve much better than him--easier said then done. Lean on your friends and come here often--it's a very supportive group that can listen when the voices get too loud.
kay

Aw, sweetie, he's not all you've got, not by a long shot.

You move on with a bit of healthy anger, a burning desire to exercise your body and mind, and a burning desire to make yourself greater!

You seem very young, sweet and vulnerable. As you get older, you'll develop a toughness, whilst still keeping the tender center alive!

The reality is that the "fairy tale" requires work, but, if you're both warm and loving, are equally hot for each other, and have the same vision for the life you'd like to build together, the work on your part is cut in half, and can lead to a very positive future!

I'd advise staying away from alcoholics, because NOTHING positive or productive comes out of being drunk all the time. Same with any addicts, including love addicts such as yourself. Yes, your very codependency, clinging to a man, will scare or smother many men and will drive us away. Work on autonomy, through the above methods I mentioned, mainly physical exercise. Pushing directly from the very core helps you build character, strengthens you, body, mind and spirit, and the warm afterglow of endorphins following a good sweat helps you love yourself.

Thank you all so much. I try and focus on work and yoga and things that I do for myself to make me happy, but underneath there is still a deep longing for someone to reciprocate the love I so want to be able trust and give to another. I just feel like I've been trying to hide my full potential for fear of rejection. I've gone to therapy which has helped and am currently off of all psychiatric medicine which is where I need to be so maybe all this pain is coming from all the pain I've tried so hard to conceal or deny for my entire life. Thank you all again, really struggling today.

Sorry you're struggling, sunsets!

Everyone has their notion of what "love" is, but I don't think love should cause PAIN, only the lack thereof causes pain. There's a big fire in you, and it's got nowhere to go. I can relate.

If you're having trouble loving a man, maybe adopt a pet or something you can love. It's not quite the same thing as a full monty body to body physical relationship with another human being, of course, but the point is, your heart is escaping, into something, that loves you back!

Maybe a little puppy? Lots of little puppies need adopting, and they'd lick your face affectionately every time they see you!

Maybe that's why I love my dog more than most people in my life... I share my dog with my mom but he's been through hell and back with me for the past 9 years and seriously am not sure what I'd do if something happened to him! I was just thinking about getting a puppy now so it wouldnt be a replacement dog!

Sunset, u sound a bit like me but a bit more to the extreme. I'm not paranoid or obsessvive; I just need someone next to me (literally). I crave affection & get fearful when I am alone. Why? I don't know.

I've started a new personal project where I try to LIVE without the presence of another. I try to enjoy myself by doing my chores, finding someting constructive to do and most importantly, do the things (my hobbies/interests) that give me a sense of well-being, & a sense of peacefullness.

I try to keep my hobbies alive; someting I have neglected for sometime.

This gives me a SENSE OF PURPOSE...Something we ALL need in order to live.

Oh my goodness, you sound exactly like me... Especially when I was younger. I was addicted to the people in my life and when they did anything to hurt me, it broke me. I had no ME, it was all THEM. Luckily, things have gotten better throughout the years, which they seem to do as you grow up and learn a bit more about life, others and yourself.

My greatest suggestion right now is finding something that YOU give YOU. I know the feeling of others giving you strength, happpiness, joy, etc. And that is still a wonderful thing, but you must be able to nurture your OWN spirit, because people are not perfect and will ALWAYS fail you, no matter what a great match you are. Find a hobby, an interest, ANYthing that you can do for YOU that makes you feel better. And then make it the most important thing in your life.

Examples: Yoga, Walking, running, volunteering, gardening, dancing, cooking... Where is your passion? What could you put your heart into besides other people?

Good luck to you, you will be just fine!

Me, I love photography and cinematography, capturing and creating beauty in images! Especially nature: Capturing clouds, sunrises, sunsets, birds, boats, palm trees, cityscapes at night. It's what illuminates my soul, independent of another. It's between me and God. It's what brings me peace.

I also like writing (can't you tell?)!

koolman, I am so in love with you lol!

Right?! I love all the things you both mentioned... I'm going to try and make my yoga practice closer to daily instead of weekly... and spend time finding my peace, inner results in outer, I'm def not there yet. He can say just the right thing to make my day or break it, sad how much power he has, or that I have willfully given.."Seasons of life are gifts from God that stay as long as they are meant to stay & not one moment longer."

No one can ever MAKE you do or feel anything. You always allow it. I realized that week after week, month after month, I shredded away at my OWN sense of self and my OWN sense of spirit to bring myself down to the level of my BF so that we could be together. My insides were defined by the outside. Now I know enough of my self worth that compliments don't build me up... But they are very much appreciated and show to me that the other person likes to focus on positive things. You are all you need girl and do the yoga! I am beginning my practice again and after just two days I feel much more grounded in my body. It's such a great feeling. :)