Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello everyone...I hope I am posting in the right place...this might be long but thank you for reading...my mother is very codependent on me...growing up she was not "mommy" she wasnt that huggy loving type...we cleaned and behaved otherwise there was major consequences....she was suicidal and physically and mentally abusive...when I got into my teens I wanted so much for her to be my friend even though she was so unfair to us and also had an affair on my father....we were not allowed to have friends or phone call to the house even when they were not home...if they called the house and it was busy the would break through the call with the operater and boy we prepared for the aftermath when they got home...I forgave her for everything from my past and kept her in my life on her "pedestal"...then when I was about 18 and I started to drink and pulled away from trying to be mother/daughter with her...i moved out and thats when it happened!!!!!!!!!! she started calling me everyday and night.....calling my friends to find me when i didnt pick up...when i did pick up she would be hysterical!!! so of coarse didnt know what else to do but pick up the phone every morning and night!!! I did that till i was about 24...then I would panic every morning thinking I missed her call and she probably locked herself in a bathroom screaming and crying...so I told her I had to limit the phone calls to once a day and she decided fine to talk every night at 9pm....that last till last year when I was 28...because I started to have super bad anxiety and panic attacks...I used to wake up and jump out of bed like OMG my mother!!!! ugggghhh so now im about to turn 30 and she still calls at random during the day or night...BUT still everyday...
Well I need to stop this...I have been sober for a couple months and I want my own life!!! not to mention when I talk to her I have to answer all of her questions!!! my heart races because I want to get off the phone and she keeps me on and asks why do I want to get off the phone with her!!! I have to pick up otherwise my step father who has cancer and is very sick has to deal with her...then when I see him he begs me not to miss her call because she goes crazy....
How do I end the phone calls every day without hurting her? and what is a normal mother daughter talking schedual? I dont even know...Im so over it!!! I love her so much but she has ruled my life up to this point...she took my childhood and teenage years and even my 20s away from me...I remember going to seaworld when I was 25 and I basically had to ask her if I could go god did I feel so guilty....uggghhhh!!!!
sorry so looooooonggggggg:)
Well I need to stop this...I have been sober for a couple months and I want my own life!!! not to mention when I talk to her I have to answer all of her questions!!! my heart races because I want to get off the phone and she keeps me on and asks why do I want to get off the phone with her!!! I have to pick up otherwise my step father who has cancer and is very sick has to deal with her...then when I see him he begs me not to miss her call because she goes crazy....
How do I end the phone calls every day without hurting her? and what is a normal mother daughter talking schedual? I dont even know...Im so over it!!! I love her so much but she has ruled my life up to this point...she took my childhood and teenage years and even my 20s away from me...I remember going to seaworld when I was 25 and I basically had to ask her if I could go god did I feel so guilty....uggghhhh!!!!
sorry so looooooonggggggg:)
Just decide enough is enough.Tell her this has gone on long enough and you don't want to do it anymore. Remember, you can't change how someone reacts to you, just how you react !
Good luck !
You have to not only set your boundaries, but enforce them. Its' not easy. And as nola points out, you can't control how she reacts. Remember that this dynamic has been around in your relationship for a long time. So don't expect a sudden change or a happy response.
You are setting boundaries which is great. it reminds me of my mother so you are not alone. You are not responsible for her behaviour and although you probably do feel guilty for not wanting to talk to her, missing calls (you a terrible person not!, how dare you not picking up the phone!!!!!!!). It may be worth while speaking to someone to help you support your boundaries... and how you feel about setting those boundaries. I have spent some time in therapy but it has been worth it. Just a thought. I ended up switching off my voicemail (I haven't had it back on for three years) as I got sick of listening to awful messages about why I wasn't answering her calls. And my mother would always call during work hours as well and got nasty if I couldn't talk to her at work. The stories go on... Well done for making the step.. it is brave but at the end of the day your Mother owns her own behaviour and issues like we own our own.
You do not need to parent you mother anymore. Some articles on Adult children of Narcissists may be confronting but a worthwhile read. Feel free to chat any time.
I too have experienced the guilt for not calling my mother or answering when she called. It put a major strain on both of us and our relationship. I used to feel so guilty, but through coda i have learned that as an adult i am entitled to a life and she hers.
About a year ago, i got up the courage to tell her that i had obligations through the week and was trying to have a balanced life. I explained that i loved talking with her but that daily was too much and i needed to take care of me. We now talk on Sunday mornings early, we enjoy our weekly talks and have so much to talk about. It has made it much less stressful and something i enjoy.
I know you will find something that works for you....remember your feelings matter too
I know my dad is priobably rolling over in his grave because of it, but I had to do it for MY sanity....
Best of luck...