Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Back story:
I love my girlfriend, we want to get married, we've known each other for five years, we have had 2 kittens for almost a year together, we've cohabited since the first summer we got together, total we've been together for about 3-4 years, we spend every day together, we enjoy each other's company a lot, we are both in counseling, I am on medication - Zoloft, I am being treated for OCD, she has extreme abandonment depression, because of divorced parents, an abusive father, an unavailable alcoholic mother, and barely any supportive people in her life ever, we've had our troubles, I've broken up with her four times, the longest for about a year - during which I was delusional and was interested in unavailable people and she dated for a month and a half on and off, we've moved around like 20 times since we first met, she uses the threat of breaking up with me very often to get her way, and frequently needs reassurance and comforting that I am not going to leave her, I frequently become emotionally unavailable as a way to control her, and I have a really hard time telling her how I feel and what's going on with me, she has an older brother with OCD who lives with their mother, and a half-sister who's married, we live with her mother also, temporarily, I am the oldest of eight children, with five sisters and two brothers, I've had about 15 jobs since I've known my girlfriend, she's had many counselors throughout her life since she was about fourteen, I started counseling first when I was nineteen or twenty after she encouraged me to do so, I come from a strict religious background of people who are passive-aggressive, controlling, and depressed, my father was somewhat abusive and my mother passive-aggressive, my girlfriend's father is also extremely religious and controlling, and I want to learn how to have healthier boundaries with my girlfriend so that I can: Tell her what I want, tell her how I feel, tell her what I think, be assertive, stop being passive and passive-aggressive, and consistently start showing her the real me, even though I'm scared. And i will be working on this in counseling but I want all the help I can get. Thank you for reading :)
Problems:
She will ask me if I would like to go for a walk with her. I might feel like saying no, and doing something else, but I tell myself things like, "it won't be that bad; I do want to go for a walk, so why not now; i don't want to miss this chance to spend time with her; I don't want to disappoint her; she's going to think I don't love her or want to be with her if I say no."
Or I might be feeling like there's something I want to do such as take a shower, eat, or play a game by myself, and I tell myself things like, "she'll think I don't want to spend time with her; she's going to be disappointed that I'm doing something by myself; she'll be sad if I leave her for a minute; I need to be there for her always; I should be able to do everything with her and want to."
So, how can I overcome my feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety to be more assertive with my girlfriend (and with others)?
Thank you!
I love my girlfriend, we want to get married, we've known each other for five years, we have had 2 kittens for almost a year together, we've cohabited since the first summer we got together, total we've been together for about 3-4 years, we spend every day together, we enjoy each other's company a lot, we are both in counseling, I am on medication - Zoloft, I am being treated for OCD, she has extreme abandonment depression, because of divorced parents, an abusive father, an unavailable alcoholic mother, and barely any supportive people in her life ever, we've had our troubles, I've broken up with her four times, the longest for about a year - during which I was delusional and was interested in unavailable people and she dated for a month and a half on and off, we've moved around like 20 times since we first met, she uses the threat of breaking up with me very often to get her way, and frequently needs reassurance and comforting that I am not going to leave her, I frequently become emotionally unavailable as a way to control her, and I have a really hard time telling her how I feel and what's going on with me, she has an older brother with OCD who lives with their mother, and a half-sister who's married, we live with her mother also, temporarily, I am the oldest of eight children, with five sisters and two brothers, I've had about 15 jobs since I've known my girlfriend, she's had many counselors throughout her life since she was about fourteen, I started counseling first when I was nineteen or twenty after she encouraged me to do so, I come from a strict religious background of people who are passive-aggressive, controlling, and depressed, my father was somewhat abusive and my mother passive-aggressive, my girlfriend's father is also extremely religious and controlling, and I want to learn how to have healthier boundaries with my girlfriend so that I can: Tell her what I want, tell her how I feel, tell her what I think, be assertive, stop being passive and passive-aggressive, and consistently start showing her the real me, even though I'm scared. And i will be working on this in counseling but I want all the help I can get. Thank you for reading :)
Problems:
She will ask me if I would like to go for a walk with her. I might feel like saying no, and doing something else, but I tell myself things like, "it won't be that bad; I do want to go for a walk, so why not now; i don't want to miss this chance to spend time with her; I don't want to disappoint her; she's going to think I don't love her or want to be with her if I say no."
Or I might be feeling like there's something I want to do such as take a shower, eat, or play a game by myself, and I tell myself things like, "she'll think I don't want to spend time with her; she's going to be disappointed that I'm doing something by myself; she'll be sad if I leave her for a minute; I need to be there for her always; I should be able to do everything with her and want to."
So, how can I overcome my feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety to be more assertive with my girlfriend (and with others)?
Thank you!
I suggest remaining in counseling to work out each of your problems and pass on marriage for quite a while.
It's not about becoming more assertive, it's about continuing with counseling and following what your therapist suggests.
It gets tricky when you have both grown up with no exposure to healthy relationships. There are so many trigger points, and I think we really need to be aware of when we are reacting to something from a healthy place (eg- being angry when our boundaries are being trampled on) or when we are triggered by something and not necessarily responding to what they are doing but to stuff from our past. It is tricky stuff.
I think you guys are a step ahead if you are both willing to work through issues as they come up. In my family growing up, nothing was ever resolved and it is something completely new to me now to discuss any issues with my partner as they first come up. It is hard for me to do but the more we do it, and the more I speak up, and the more that I am open to him speaking up, the more I am starting to see that we can and do work through things, and dealing with him is very different to dealing with my family. He responds in a very different way and is open to discussion and I am learning to trust a little more each time we work through things.
It sounds like you both come from families where neither of you have had much exposure to healthy relationship behaviours. I suggest making use of your support people while sorting through your issues- toss it around with your counsellors, do you go to any support groups? Would you consider attending any? I have been going to Al-anon meetings for the last 18 months or so and have found them to be hugely helpful- there are other people there who have been through the same stuff that I go through and I learn how they have dealt with those issues in healthy ways. For me, it is about having exposure to healthy ways of thinking and exposure to healthy behaviour. How are we meant to know how be healthy in relationships if we have never seen it before? I do think it is really important that you toss this stuff around with your counsellor- we need guidance when learning new things. Learn as much as you can. Read. I was reading like a machine when I first started learning about this stuff. So many books. Read and learn about healthy relationships, boundaries, dysfunctional families and the effects of growing up in them. There is also a heap of stuff on the web these days- Google is our friend :) Maybe you could do some assertiveness courses? We can't automatically know this stuff if we have never learnt it or seen it- but we can learn it for ourselves. It takes time and we need to give ourselves time and not expect ourselves to magically mystically know it all without learning it.
Here is an example of something that I found along the way that has helped me a lot in my current relationship:
Your recovery tasks in love relationships:
Remember to reciprocate. The relationship has to be a give and take, and you need to be able to give and receive with grace and love.
Your love for him is for the person he is, not what he can do for you or what you can do for him.
If or when your unfinished business with the past gets triggered, go back to the healing steps and work on them, fully owning that this is your work to do. If he is interested in working on it with you, then he is a prince for sure, but it is primarily your job.
Let him know in the very beginning that your trust was impaired in early childhood and that trust is a lifelong recovery issue for you. Continue to work on trust issues without projecting them onto him.
Fight your own dependency needs so that you do not behave in dependent or codependent ways with him. Interdependency is a must for a healthy relationship.
Keep boundaries around your personal space and encourage him to do the same as well. Allow each other privacy when needed. Whenever this is difficult, discuss it promptly.
Be authentic and yourself at all times.
Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. Expect him to do this as well, but know that you cannot control or demand it.
Above all, be accountable for your own feelings and behaviour.
From Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride
It is so important that we work on ourselves and learn about emotionally healthy behaviour and apply it to ourselves, I think that is all we can do. Some of our relationships will be better for it, some will disappear because of it but life is so much better when we start living in an emotionally healthy way. Wishing you all the best and take care :)