Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Soooo
I went on my vacation....I enjoyed being away from my life for 10 days. Unplugging from the day to day mundane work mode, paying bills, blah blah blah.....but found myself almost paralyzed while on the trip.
I have discovered a few things about myself;
1. I don't drink or do drugs, so going with someone on a trip who enjoys drinking was stupid. I felt disconnected on the trip, and felt like an old grouchy lady.
2. I don't want to travel with women alone anymore, at least a guy buffer needs to be in there.......we looked like a couple lesbians and we are not.....so it definitely made me a bit bummed out. Not saying anything is wrong with being gay, just when you aren't and are being labeled (and yes we confirmed with people) it sucks.
3. I need my own room......I didn't realize that I need space no matter what, I always thought of myself as pretty easy going. But by night 7 of listening to my roomie snore like a gigantic burly sailor I was ready to punch her in the face.
4. I am lonely for a relationship. I just couldn't get over it. It stared me in the face everywhere I turned, I mean, I couldn't even look at the ocean without thinking "sheesh, wish I was here with my boyfriend". So that stunk to high hell....
I have just faced a reality at this point, that while I am content with my life, I have everything and more that I could want. I love my family and friends, I have a great job, I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I can travel, etc. etc. I am just NOT HAPPY. I am bored with my life, I am bored with myself, I don't want to do anything, I don't really have anything that peeks my interest at all.
I am pretty sure it is that I have no drama going on, therefor life has become a big bright light shining on the fact that my life revolved around others ...... gotta tell you it is bumming me out big time. Like I am totally bored with myself and my life which is totally ok....What the?!?!?!?
I am not motivated to even go take a hike up in the hills......its as if all I want to do is just sit here in my dirty diaper and be bummed that life is boring and I don't have a boyfriend......it is absolutely BIZARRE.
I have noticed historically, when I am in a challenging place where my co-dependency is totally firing all pistons, is when I am majorly motivated; I work out, I am taking care of business, I get plans going, etc. etc. So I can only think that because I have no drama, and nothing negative to focus on....that I am actually bored with myself......My god...what a lame brain. But I can't snap the heck out of it!!
Anyway, the trip was great, it was much needed....and evidentially I needed to open my eyes to figure out where the passion for myself and my life is.....
Gonna dig into this and find out what the heck! Cest La Vie......thanks for the vent session :) Input and insight always welcome!
I went on my vacation....I enjoyed being away from my life for 10 days. Unplugging from the day to day mundane work mode, paying bills, blah blah blah.....but found myself almost paralyzed while on the trip.
I have discovered a few things about myself;
1. I don't drink or do drugs, so going with someone on a trip who enjoys drinking was stupid. I felt disconnected on the trip, and felt like an old grouchy lady.
2. I don't want to travel with women alone anymore, at least a guy buffer needs to be in there.......we looked like a couple lesbians and we are not.....so it definitely made me a bit bummed out. Not saying anything is wrong with being gay, just when you aren't and are being labeled (and yes we confirmed with people) it sucks.
3. I need my own room......I didn't realize that I need space no matter what, I always thought of myself as pretty easy going. But by night 7 of listening to my roomie snore like a gigantic burly sailor I was ready to punch her in the face.
4. I am lonely for a relationship. I just couldn't get over it. It stared me in the face everywhere I turned, I mean, I couldn't even look at the ocean without thinking "sheesh, wish I was here with my boyfriend". So that stunk to high hell....
I have just faced a reality at this point, that while I am content with my life, I have everything and more that I could want. I love my family and friends, I have a great job, I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I can travel, etc. etc. I am just NOT HAPPY. I am bored with my life, I am bored with myself, I don't want to do anything, I don't really have anything that peeks my interest at all.
I am pretty sure it is that I have no drama going on, therefor life has become a big bright light shining on the fact that my life revolved around others ...... gotta tell you it is bumming me out big time. Like I am totally bored with myself and my life which is totally ok....What the?!?!?!?
I am not motivated to even go take a hike up in the hills......its as if all I want to do is just sit here in my dirty diaper and be bummed that life is boring and I don't have a boyfriend......it is absolutely BIZARRE.
I have noticed historically, when I am in a challenging place where my co-dependency is totally firing all pistons, is when I am majorly motivated; I work out, I am taking care of business, I get plans going, etc. etc. So I can only think that because I have no drama, and nothing negative to focus on....that I am actually bored with myself......My god...what a lame brain. But I can't snap the heck out of it!!
Anyway, the trip was great, it was much needed....and evidentially I needed to open my eyes to figure out where the passion for myself and my life is.....
Gonna dig into this and find out what the heck! Cest La Vie......thanks for the vent session :) Input and insight always welcome!
Try this book.
http://www.amazon.com/You-Can-Heal-Your-Life/dp/0937611018/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403276678&sr=8-1&keywords=you+can+heal+your+life
Even though I am on a totally different page in a completely different book then you; I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. My brain is like scrambled eggs when Im not focused. When I first started trying to mend my marriage and change my codependent ways, I was focused. I tried meditating, I was working out daily, I had a goal and I was positive in my efforts.. Then I let his negative ways knock me off course. Ive been sinking into the vortex of confusion ever since. Then last night when he was asking for a chance to get his act together and get on track with me, I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. It was like I wasnt sure what to do, everything was uncertain, I had no direction. I slumped into the chair unable to move, unable to think. I dont do well with clutter. I need goals to maintain a healthy balance in my life. When one thing is off balance my whole world feels like a rocky avalanche! Is that my codependency or my OCD?! Im not sure.. but Ill tell ya, Im one hott mess!! LOL
So get focused! If you are ready to start dating.. then start dating! Im sure it will have its ups and downs along the way but Im also sure it will be a lot of fun!! Maybe date a few Mr. Wrongs in the beginning just to break the ice and have a good time/laugh!!
Cant advise you really except to say that life is for living, get out there and find something which does excite you, if there is something that does get you going, go do it!
I know that in your position the peace I would get from not being in a relationship would be better than the drama and angst of being in a relationship as a Co-D person. Maybe this is ME time and you can please yourself for once - thats maybe something you need to learn before you start dating again.
So I bought myself some new tennis shoes and workout clothes in hopes it would motivate me to get out and walk.....it worked! I went out last night and had a great time with some friends, and I think that made me feel like a human again......then I walked this morning and actually sat by myself (well except for my black hairy baby Oliver) and watched the beach......and....*drumroll please* I didn't feel lonely...just content.
So who knows maybe it was a momentary lapse of sanity or whatever....I guess this thing called life is not without its moments of just feeling like crap...and for the first time in a long time I am focusing only on my own crap, which is healthier, yet not fun and I guess it was SUPER DUPER uncomfortable......
Also I suppose I needed a vent session and a new pair of shoes.....HAHHAA
Onward and upward, gonna find some stuff to get interested in and will keep ya'll posted.....thanks for the input!
You, my friend, are an adrenaline junkie. Why else would you lust after your coworker/boss? (I know you didn't mention it in this post, but I thought I'd bring it up.)
I think it's good that you've got nobody in your life yet. If you met the right guy now, you'd probably futz it up. No offense. I say that b/c I was there.
Just enjoy this stage of your life to be ABLE to go with your non-gay GF on vacation!
About your vacation...maybe it wasn't all that bad or codependency related. I look at vacations as, in a way, being "married" to someone for a period of time. You eat all your meals together, drive around in a car together, and pretty much have no space to yourself at all. I always end up being irritated with someone by the end of the trip, especially if it's longer than 3-4 days. Vacations are the probably the only thing I'll miss about my STBX. We did have some good ones (but some abusive moments as well, unfortunately). Now, unless I can get my mom and siblings to go on vacation, it will be myself and the kids and no adult companionship. So, consider yourself lucky that you had a friend that was willing and able to go. Maybe you can tweak your plans a little next time, so that there are more people along and a shorter time period. I don't think a relationship is a necessity to have a good time.
Falling asleep on a beach... Eating meals all to myself with no interruptions. Never having to call and check in... Yes, please! : )
As far as the crush goes with the boss, thank god it left and..... I am not on the project any longer and moving on so no chance of futzing up my job right now.
Boredom is not my friend in the slightest!.....I am glad I bought my new shoes-went walking for a 3rd time today already......its the little things......
While I totally appreciated having the vacation and it was much needed.......I definitely will be getting my own room next time! Just sayin'........
I think you are like me- a little self deprecation with a twist of humor goes a long way!
I used to think I was fully alive when I was living a life of drama... Wrong.
But I did it because I grew up with always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so I created those situations as an adult. If you only knew the situations I got myself into, just for the rush... Oh, brother!
I have now redefined my version of happiness and living life. It's now the ABSENCE of any conflict so I am free to relax and be with my own thoughts. Before, I'd avoid any situation where I'd have to listen to my own brain...
Someone said depression; I'd suggest anxiety- you are nervous to be your own company because you haven't learned to really appreciate yourself yet. Once you've mastered that, you will become irresistible to quality people... Only slime balls are attracted to people who don't love themselves; they love to fill in that void with their nastiness.
Love yourself and things will fall into place. To do that, you need some down time from others and detox from the drama...
Hugs!
Trust and believe I am sure I could hear your stories and one up you on a few.....my life has definitely been about survival and drama....and sadly most self concocted!
But I am happy to say that I am out of the hamster wheel of that, after a final blow of losing a friend again.......so peace and serenity (no matter how uncomfortable) will be mine. With a side of loving myself fully and completely and little passion on top!! Woop Woop!! :)
Deli, you're totally right. It's anxiety. I find it difficult and frustrating to enjoy life on my own. What a crap feeling!
I've been seriously considering going to therapy as I often lose track and I need support. Sometimes I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Other times I feel like I'm going backwards.