I hope you are in therapy and divorce care.org
Helps a lot too with the grieving process and
The divorce. I have been in alanon since 2012.

That takes time to get in there and get up to
Speed. I sat, listened. learned and absorbed
For a long time and cried a lot.

Do whatever you can to help yourself move
Thru this, the layers of muck are huge. I come
From it and my ex was dry it was still and is a
hard Long journey. HUGS

thank you for the kind words and pointing me to the right places. Is it an actual place? or is it online based?

Divorce care.org is worldwide and its
In person. Alanon and Coda are great
too to get down deep inside us which
We need. Therapy is very helpful to
Sort things out. HUGS

I can relate to this Nowornever, my ex has also been very damaging to my personality, and yet I've seen myself throwing myself in front of the door, begging him not to leave, thinking the entire time; that keeping him was more important than my pride. I'm Latin-American, and I always used to blame my culture for the fact that we have such strong ideas about love, and that we tend to believe love is pain... maybe it's a bit of that, but coming to the realization that I may also be codependent, and that codependency is something that affects anyone, regardless of cultural background... has helped immensely. I hope you find comfort in that too, and that you find a CODA or Alanon group that helps, if that's what you decide to do.

i almost feel like if a codependent met another codependent they could essentially work with each other to become independent... idk but i just feel like me being the way i am won't work with any type of personality. but just like any borderline I'm already dating after only 8 days of my wife leaving because i can't stand to be alone. i feel like my pain is just gonna be cyclical.

I can not imagine two codies would make
A healthy pair. Usually its a narc or some
Other PD and a codie that gets together
because they work off each other so well.
Its called a dance.

@Nowornever, I would be careful not to jump into any serious relationships so soon, and I don't mean it in a judgemental way, because I've been there too. The last time I broke up with my on-again off-again ex, I thought I could fill the void with other people, and I joined Tinder, and I went on all these dates right away... but it didn't really make me feel any better because I was still using people to feel validated, rather than taking steps towards finding that validation from within. One good thing that did come out of it was that I distanced myself from my ex for a bit, but what ended up happening is that I started missing the illusion of "stability" with my ex compared with what felt like the chaos of dating/getting to know new ppl, etc.. which can be exhausting when you're not in the right place mentally and emotionally. Change can be really scary, and the unknown is even scarier. I don't think it'll be easy, but I do think that with some hard work on your part you can eventually be in a healthier relationship with yourself, and hopefully not think in self-defeating ways (like for example when you said you don't think you work with any personality type because of the way you are... no matter your flaws, you deserve to be happy, you don't need to be perfect to be loved).

@phoenixrising16 thank you for the kind words! you have no idea the difference you just made in me.

I know you are going through a rough time but it will get better!

I think I felt as bad or worse then you when my wife asked me for a divorce after 24 years of marriage. She called me from a hotel room where she spent several nights with her lover and told me it was over. The resentment, the anger, the self pity and feelings of, "I am not good enough" were overwhelming and every cell in my body was crying out in severe emotional pain!

I have always hated confrontations so I pretty much gave her the divorce along with anything else she want but I just surrendered and let go. It actually gave me a pretty good feeling accepting things the way they were, despite all that I had lost. Later on I forgave her and I forgave myself for the anger and resentment I was feeling. Holding onto all that seemed to be dragging me down and I was running out of tears to cry with but then letting it go through prayer and meditation gave me a peace, I never thought possible.

So I just continued on with my life but strangely, about 6 months after the divorce, my ex wanted me back, but by then, I was enjoying being single and told her no which I think surprised her, however, we became good friends, nonetheless.

The divorce happened 4 years ago, and today I am happier then I have ever been, and still single! I can do what I want to do, go where I want to go and I don't have to answer to anyone! If there is such a thing as heaven on earth, I really believe I am living in it!

God Bless!

Awesome story @bobinmaine ! I could not even imagine the pain you went through.. I am sincerely glad that things worked out the best for you! And your story gives me hope for my future. I just need to let go and believe it or not i still havent. My ex wife was an absolute knock out, an 11 if the scale was from one to ten, and was the best mother my kid has ever had.. I know the answer to my problem is to let go and forgive myself but a huge part of me doesnt think i will ever get better then her..trust me writing this and reading it over its sounds very shallow and pathetic to not think i can deserve better but it is just were i am at right now... We still talk and she still says she loves me and misses me but she wont come back.. and a part of me doesnt want her to either becasue of the hurt she put me through. this post is super constrictive, i know... I categorize myself as lost!!!!

Less attention to her and more to you and your son.

This line that you wrote:
" Ive begged and pleaded for her to change her mind even though this relationship has been nothing but damaging to my personality. all i want is her to stay, even though i know its toxic for me and my son."

Read it and recognize the contradiction you have set up for yourself. You are begging for something that you know is bad for you.

Work on yourself so that you are able to desire, work for and get relationships that are healthy for you and your son - starting with the relationship to yourself.

HUGGS

Raven

I'm just learning about being a codependent after realizing my husband is borderline. I'm currently going through so much it's overwhelming. Just reading this post and the replies makes me feel like i'm not alone and others understand what it's like to go through this type of toxic love that can be so damaging to yourself and so painful. I too have thought it would be better to be with another codependent then be with a borderline or narcissist. But i know i need help to heal myself and ultimately make the best decision for myself. I'm not healthy enough or have a support system in place yet for me to leave and stick to it but i'm starting to slowly come to terms with that i probably will have to, I want desperately for things to change in our relationship of course but i don't think he is ever going to be the person i need to have in my life, the person i deserve and it's very hard to admit that. I'm glad i found this group and have read some of your stories, i'm really hoping this is a place that i can connect with others that understand what i'm going through because it means a lot knowing and feeling like your not so alone.

Thank you Bobmaine and Raven9! I have tried the no contact and worked on myself and it went well for like a week then she started texting me that she misses me and keeps having dreams about me and one liners like (till death do us part) and sending me Job opening to MN for state positions like i have now. Im not gonna lie i cracked and texted her back once i did she said she doesnt want to sign the divorce papers due to her missing her life of being a mom to my son and a wife to me. Honestly it has erased all the progress i have made for myself and i am back to square one!!!!