Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
my ex that moved out a year ago had a major surgery in april and has been sick since. he almost died last spring and made it to a life of a colostomy and not eating and very depressed. his daughter told me tonight that he was in bad shape because he continues to drink and she has to give him IV fluids and IV nutrients everyday. he does not eat but drinks and get rehydrated daily. his labs are terrible. I got very upset and started feeling like its my fault that I should have pushed him into rehab before we broke up and stopped all alcohol consumption by me and him. he is a very fragile person due to a lot of things. I did not choose to try this rehab and me stopping all drinking with him but did not want to do that and fall back into trying to control someone else's drinking. I was so overwhelmed by his depression and laziness and inability to become a positive and productive person that I was really loosing it. I realize that I now need to help him as much as I can without getting back into a relationship with him as a couple. my heart tells me that I have to do this and make amends with him before he dies, which is a real possibility. advice needed badly and as I don't want him to die and maybe I can make a difference. very sad
Codependents have grown up in family systems where they were responsible for others all the time. So we tend to think that we have to do something to save others from themselves when there really is nothing that we can do.
It sounds like he cares more about drinking that he does about living There is not much you can do about that.
His daughter is enabling him to continue destroying his health. This is a classic codependent/addict relationship. She is basically assisting him in killing himself.
I am confused about what you did to need to make amends. Is this coming from feeling guilty for not making him go to rehab? We can find our hearts will betray us into being codependent if we are not certain about the reasons for our actions.
Just be sure about your reasons for getting involved with this man again. Review and perhaps write down the boundaries that will keep you from falling back into that codependent relationship with him.
It sounds like you feel a great deal of guilt. I am wondering if you want to help him in order to assuage this guilt. I am not trying to tell you what to do. Just look at your motives as honestly as possible so you know why you are doing what you are doing. This could be a great chance to learn some independent ways to interact with someone who had a past codependent relationship with you.
Think carefully about what is means when you say, "I don't want him to die and maybe I can make a difference". Would you be prepared to get his daughter to stage an intervention with him? Would you be willing to walk out if he becomes abusive to you?
What is your goal in this relationship?
Acting intentionally is much better than becoming codependent all over again.
Years from now, you may have reached a more healthy place. But you have only today to function. Just do the best that you can with the information that you have at THIS time.
Good luck
Sunny