I joined this site a few weeks ago because of a break up I went through in January. It was two months long, ended terribly. And I've never been so heartbroken in my life
I felt devastated and literally could not understand how I could live without him. He had a lot of baggage but I accepted him anyway because I could feel how much pain he was in. He had a four year old, apparently according to him, his ex got pregnant on purpose and then after seven years of being together she told him she didn't love him anymore and left him. On top of that his dad came out recently, his parents had to get divorced, his grandpa was a convicted child molester. And after his breakup, which I later found out was a divorce, my ex went to rehab and almost drank himself to death.

He told me and did a lot of things that I didn't want to see as red flags. I fell in love with him the moment we first met and I just wanted so desperately to make him happy and help his pain go away. It seemed at first as though he had treated me like a queen. Told me he loved me, he couldn't imagine his life without me, wanted to marry me, wanted me to meet his kid and move in right away. He told me I was his angel and that I had saved him. That he had never been looked at the way I looked at him....

needless to say he broke up with me suddenly, told me he never meant a word he said to me. Tried to convince me I was bipolar and insane. I told him after a month that I was in love with him and he used that as a weapon against me in the end. I admit, I got extremely vulnerable and insecure after I told him I loved him. I constantly questioned if he felt the same way, I started fighting with him if he didn't respond to my text for an entire day or if I wanted to talk about our relationship and he didn't want to. Or if we fought and he went to bed instead of making sure I was ok. I got paranoid that I cared too much for him and that he didn't care for me enough.
I know my insecurities irritated him and pushed him away. Right before we broke up I wrote him letters saying how I wanted to change, I rushed over to his place wanting to hold him.
he pushed me away. And two days later we were over. And he told me all of these terrible things. And for four months I've been telling myself that I deserved how he treated me, that I am insane and that I lost the best person I had ever met. I have cried every day from the pain.

but last night something changed....i still feel a lot of pain, but I made a lost of the things I felt were huge red flags.

he lied to me about being married. He blurted it out accidentally and I had to call him out on it in order to know the truth
he told me after his divorce he started texting his wife hate messages telling her he wishes she was dead
he told me he would go to bars all of the time alone and get so wasted that he would pass out on the street
he told me after his dad came out he yelled at him calling him all of these derogatory names
he told me his ex was fighting for full custody
almost every time we went out he would want to leave the place we went to, despite me wanting to stay
the first night he met my whole family which was on my birthday he said, party at my place, I'm going to sleep, when my brother asked to go out after dinner. In front of my whole family he just acted so impolite
he would tell me how these people would accuse him of being a bad father
he only saw his son twice a week but would complain about how hard it was to watch his son and how it stressed him out whenever I came over
he seemed materialistic, telling me I needed to clean my earrings or that some girl looked ugly. His instagram was filled with pictures he took traveling of odd people that didn't know their pictures were being taken. It upset me seeing how he paraded and made fun of these innocent people
and there were times when he snapped at me. I remember the night of my birthday I got really sick and he took care of me. And in the middle of the night I rolled over and wanted to put my arms around him and he yelled at me saying c'mon Victoria I just spent all night taking care of you and I have a four year old that wakes me up all the time, get off me and stop asking me to cuddle.
on a personal note, I had a physical issue when we were intimate. It was painful for me to have sex in general. But I still wanted to sleep with him to feel close to him. I remember one morning I tried to sleep with him and in the middle of everything he got up and started getting dressed. I was confused and I ran out. He walked up to me and told me that he doesn't enjoy having sex with someone when it hurts for them. He was so insensitive, knowing that I had that problem.

I feel as though there were so so so many issues and red flags that I ignores. Because one, I had no respect for myself and two, I was too focused on him and his happiness. All I did was blame myself whenever anything was off. All I wanted to do was take his pain away. All I saw was the good person that charmed me and seemed so perfect in the beginning....
but now I understand what a con artist he was. He truly fooled me and my family. All the promises, love, marriage, moving in....were things I latched onto and fantasized about. But for a man to say things like that so early on and then take them back and throw me away like a piece or garbage, telling me I was insane and just like his ex and to top that off he made a joke of me to his friends telling them to date me so that I would never try to contact him again.....its just unforgivable and terrible.

I think I've learned so many lessons from this experience. You can't fix other people.
and no matter how much you want to love someone, you can't ignore their past and their behaviors.....he showed anger and instability in his past but I only saw that as pain and not an indication of what may have been wrong with him....
I've learned that its important to protect yourself, and to open up your heart the way I did after a month isn't healthy either....
and most of all I have learned that we have a tendency to glorify the past. I was convinced I lost my soulmate, I have spent four months drinking and binge eating and letting myself go. Because of what? This guy who lied to me and hurt me? Could I really imagine marrying someone like that?
yes, he told me I was beautiful, that I was everything, the most amazing person I had ever met, he showered me with gifts, he opened doors for me, he talked to me til 5am, we had a lot of the same hobbies. Maybe I won't experience that again with someone else...but I at least hope to find greater self worth and confidence in myself so that I won't have to depend on someone else to nurture me.

I guess my advice to codependent people out there like me is to make a list. Think of the pros and cons. Think about the little things. Because one day you'll realize that those little things were huge in the grand scheme of things. And never ignore the red flags like I did.

if any of you have any other advice or similar experience and ever want to talk, please feel free to message me. I'm here for you. Lots of hugs,

V.