Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hey all. I just joined this site so I'm not quite sure how this works. I thought I would share my story with you. I'm hoping I can get some feedback and a push in the right direction.
I'm 23. In November 2013 I met someone online. 29, handsome, sweet. We connected right away and I fell for him the moment I spoke to him. We continued to talk to each other on the phone/video/text for a few weeks while he was out of town and the more I spoke to him, the harder I fell for him. Needless to say that connection grew when we met in person and we started going out exclusively right away.
There were things I found out about him right away, and a then a few weeks into the relationship that were really intense and shocking....but I cared about him so much that I didn't see them as red flags. I saw them as markers of his struggle and pain... I wanted to help him and take that pain away. I wanted to start a new life with him.
I found out on our first date that he had a four year old child. He failed to mention this to me online or over the phone in the weeks we had spoken before we had met. I was in complete shock but I accepted it. He unraveled in this sob story he told me of how his ex girlfriend of seven years got pregnant on purpose so she could move to Los Angeles with him and then one day told him she wasn't in love with him anymore and left him. She has the kid 5/7 days of the week.
Later on, about three weeks into the relationship he casually told me that he had a stint in rehab for alcohol/cocaine addiction and in the same sentence said "ex wife," quickly changing his words to "ex girlfriend." He told me quickly that he assumed I knew that she was his ex wife and not girlfriend and then said that he just signed a piece of paper because he wanted his son to carry his last name and it didn't mean anything. Flashback to a few weeks before that....I asked him if there was a reason why he chose not to marry his ex girlfriend after having a child with her and such and he said that he wasn't ready and he wouldn't marry someone just because of those reasons.
I found it really strange and shocking how he revealed these things to me, but I understood that he had gone through a lot and that it was a topic he was uncomfortable talking about. He ended up drinking heavily after his break up and ended up in rehab, etc. Again, I developed this codependency where I wanted to take his problems away, I wanted to be there for him and accept him for who he was. Needless to say I am not much of a saint myself. I have definitely made wrong choices with men, abusing alcohol, etc.
About a month in, I confessed to him that I was in love with him. I ignored the red flags and convinced myself that he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was artistic, just like me. He played the guitar, just like me. He loved poetry and art, he was sensitive, affectionate, we had this amazing, passionate connection where the world just stood still when we were together. He cared for me, he always did thoughtful things for me. He made me want to be a better person. I told family about his story and his child and they accepted him too. My parents met him, they fell in love with him just as I did. Everything just seemed to be working out the way I had wanted it to.
When I told him I loved him, he said it back to me. It was a hard thing for me to do. I came out of a two year relationship where I had said it five months in, and he had never said it back. It was the most painful experience. When Andrew, my current ex, said it back, I was overjoyed. And he would continue to say it to me without me instigating it. Later on, he started telling me that I was the girl he was going to marry, that he wanted me to move in right away and meet his child and fly around the world with him and go to his mom's wedding with him...and essentially spend the rest of his life with me. I was overjoyed and I latched onto him. I thought about him every minute of the day and made him the center of my universe.
After being together for two months he broke up with me. I reached a point where I was so dependent on him and all of the happiness he brought me that I started expecting him to completely understand me and cater to my every need. Not that I had many, but I was extremely insecure and constantly questioned his love for me. For example, if I texted him and he didnt text me for the entire day, or if I sent him a note expressing how grateful I was for him and how much I loved him and he didnt respond to it. There were times when he would have an argument with his ex about his child and he would disappear for the entire day and wouldnt allow me to talk to him about it. I started freaking out, wondering if I could spend the rest of my life with someone who couldnt talk about their problems or how they were feeling. I started wondering if him clamming up and being upset about his ex would become routine, I started wondering if he would continue to ignore my heartfelt love letters and if he even loved me at all. Whenever I got upset and mentioned these things to him, he would go to bed and wouldnt really call me right away, which made me wonder if he cared about my happiness at that point.
I started creating arguments based on these insecurities and in the end, he couldnt handle it anymore. He got tired of me. I started feeling him pulling away and I begged him for a second chance. I ran over to try to see him and put my arms around him and he threw my arms off of him, I left him notes telling him I loved him and realized I was wrong and wanted to change, I bought him a gift to apologize for my behavior that weekend. I tried everything. I assumed that this guy who supposedly was my soulmate, who told me he wanted to marry me, would give me that second chance and would understand that I wasnt perfect and would work on myself to fix our relationship.
He disappeared. I called him a few days later and said he couldnt be in a relationship and needed space but wasnt sure if he wanted to officially end things. I wrote him a goodbye letter a few days later which he never responded to. A day later, I found him online again. He made an online profile right away on the same site that we met on, which tore me to pieces. I was devastated
About two weeks after that, I tried calling him. I needed some kind of closure. I was so sad that he didnt respond to my goodbye letter, that he didnt care to get closure, that he moved on right away without even talking to me. I was still so in love with him. When I called him he tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He told me he thought I was bipolar, that my goodbye letter to him was this "essay" that he was so annoyed by and didnt want to read, that I reminded him of his crazy needy ex (the woman who supposedly destroyed his entire life and broke his heart) and that he had enough anxiety in his life and didnt need more from me. I sat there, believing everything he said, assuming I was the reason why our entire relationship fell apart, and I begged him to be friends. I couldn't let go.
A few weeks later I ran into one of his friends. We spent the entire night talking about Andrew. His friend revealed to me that Andrew was unstable, that Andrew's ex wife was actually his ex wife and that it wasn't just a pesky piece of paper that was signed. They had an actual, legitimate wedding ceremony. I was also informed that Andrew had this breakdown where he threw his mom's dog out of a two story window (a man, who supposedly claimed that he was obsessed with animals and wouldnt hurt a fly).
I was in shock..................but was still so codependent and so obsessed with him and so heartbroken that I didnt want to see it or believe it. I just felt sorry for him. I still missed him, I believed I created all of the problems in our relationship.
After seeing his friend, I contacted him after not speaking for a few months. I asked if I could see him. He responded in a happy, excited way. I wanted to see him that night, and he never showed up.
A few weeks later he asked for me to come over. Needless to say, we slept together. Things felt that night as though nothing had changed. And I felt optimistic that we would get back together. As I was leaving, he asked to see me the following week and asked if I could start spending the night at his place again. I agreed.
When I tried to contact him the following week, he ignored me. I sent him kind texts saying I was thinking of him, how special that night was for me, how I cant wait to see him again.
And I never saw him or heard from him again.
Recently I spoke to his friend who I had run into previously and I asked him if Andrew was doing ok. He told me that Andrew had told everyone what a pain in the ass I was and he asked if any of his friends would be willing to date me so I would stop texting him and bothering him.
I have been so crushed by all of this. I feel like what Andrew gave me when we were together was this fairytale dream. He seemed to be this perfect, damaged man that I was madly in love with. I wanted to take his pain away and be there for him and show him the love that he was lacking in his life. But he has hurt me so much........he made me feel like I was insane, he slept with me and never spoke to me again, he tried to sell me off to all of his friends. I don't even know anymore if anything he told me was true. The whole marriage thing, if his ex wife was as crazy as he made her to be, if he was as innocent and heartbroken as he played himself to be. I'm just at a complete loss. I feel like I dated a pathological liar who fooled me when he felt like I was this dream woman...and then left me when he realized I wasn't perfect. All of these promises of marriage and moving in together...are promises I latched onto. I was so dedicated and willing to change in order to make our relationship work. I couldn't understand how he just gave up on me.
Yes, I do understand I got too attached. I got too clingy. Even after our relationship ended, in my efforts to get him back.........
I guess at this stage of mourning I am just trying to understand where my role was in all of this. I don't want to truly believe that my codependency is what lead to the end of our relationship. I don't want to believe that I deserved the way that he treated me....but lately I have been feeling this way...and its made me question everything. I am so terrified right now of being in another relationship again. I'm terrified of having such an amazing connection with someone else and pushing them to the point where they will just be disgusted by me. I feel like I have to change entirely in order to even be in a working relationship ever again. And I am still attached to the perfect relationship Andrew and I had before everything fell apart. I don't know how I will find someone who made me feel like he did. I'm completely stuck and confused.
I would appreciate any advice on this matter and I'm sorry for the super long story! I hope that you all have a great day and I look forward to hearing any similar stories or ways in which you believe I can move on from this situation.
All the best,
V.
I'm 23. In November 2013 I met someone online. 29, handsome, sweet. We connected right away and I fell for him the moment I spoke to him. We continued to talk to each other on the phone/video/text for a few weeks while he was out of town and the more I spoke to him, the harder I fell for him. Needless to say that connection grew when we met in person and we started going out exclusively right away.
There were things I found out about him right away, and a then a few weeks into the relationship that were really intense and shocking....but I cared about him so much that I didn't see them as red flags. I saw them as markers of his struggle and pain... I wanted to help him and take that pain away. I wanted to start a new life with him.
I found out on our first date that he had a four year old child. He failed to mention this to me online or over the phone in the weeks we had spoken before we had met. I was in complete shock but I accepted it. He unraveled in this sob story he told me of how his ex girlfriend of seven years got pregnant on purpose so she could move to Los Angeles with him and then one day told him she wasn't in love with him anymore and left him. She has the kid 5/7 days of the week.
Later on, about three weeks into the relationship he casually told me that he had a stint in rehab for alcohol/cocaine addiction and in the same sentence said "ex wife," quickly changing his words to "ex girlfriend." He told me quickly that he assumed I knew that she was his ex wife and not girlfriend and then said that he just signed a piece of paper because he wanted his son to carry his last name and it didn't mean anything. Flashback to a few weeks before that....I asked him if there was a reason why he chose not to marry his ex girlfriend after having a child with her and such and he said that he wasn't ready and he wouldn't marry someone just because of those reasons.
I found it really strange and shocking how he revealed these things to me, but I understood that he had gone through a lot and that it was a topic he was uncomfortable talking about. He ended up drinking heavily after his break up and ended up in rehab, etc. Again, I developed this codependency where I wanted to take his problems away, I wanted to be there for him and accept him for who he was. Needless to say I am not much of a saint myself. I have definitely made wrong choices with men, abusing alcohol, etc.
About a month in, I confessed to him that I was in love with him. I ignored the red flags and convinced myself that he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was artistic, just like me. He played the guitar, just like me. He loved poetry and art, he was sensitive, affectionate, we had this amazing, passionate connection where the world just stood still when we were together. He cared for me, he always did thoughtful things for me. He made me want to be a better person. I told family about his story and his child and they accepted him too. My parents met him, they fell in love with him just as I did. Everything just seemed to be working out the way I had wanted it to.
When I told him I loved him, he said it back to me. It was a hard thing for me to do. I came out of a two year relationship where I had said it five months in, and he had never said it back. It was the most painful experience. When Andrew, my current ex, said it back, I was overjoyed. And he would continue to say it to me without me instigating it. Later on, he started telling me that I was the girl he was going to marry, that he wanted me to move in right away and meet his child and fly around the world with him and go to his mom's wedding with him...and essentially spend the rest of his life with me. I was overjoyed and I latched onto him. I thought about him every minute of the day and made him the center of my universe.
After being together for two months he broke up with me. I reached a point where I was so dependent on him and all of the happiness he brought me that I started expecting him to completely understand me and cater to my every need. Not that I had many, but I was extremely insecure and constantly questioned his love for me. For example, if I texted him and he didnt text me for the entire day, or if I sent him a note expressing how grateful I was for him and how much I loved him and he didnt respond to it. There were times when he would have an argument with his ex about his child and he would disappear for the entire day and wouldnt allow me to talk to him about it. I started freaking out, wondering if I could spend the rest of my life with someone who couldnt talk about their problems or how they were feeling. I started wondering if him clamming up and being upset about his ex would become routine, I started wondering if he would continue to ignore my heartfelt love letters and if he even loved me at all. Whenever I got upset and mentioned these things to him, he would go to bed and wouldnt really call me right away, which made me wonder if he cared about my happiness at that point.
I started creating arguments based on these insecurities and in the end, he couldnt handle it anymore. He got tired of me. I started feeling him pulling away and I begged him for a second chance. I ran over to try to see him and put my arms around him and he threw my arms off of him, I left him notes telling him I loved him and realized I was wrong and wanted to change, I bought him a gift to apologize for my behavior that weekend. I tried everything. I assumed that this guy who supposedly was my soulmate, who told me he wanted to marry me, would give me that second chance and would understand that I wasnt perfect and would work on myself to fix our relationship.
He disappeared. I called him a few days later and said he couldnt be in a relationship and needed space but wasnt sure if he wanted to officially end things. I wrote him a goodbye letter a few days later which he never responded to. A day later, I found him online again. He made an online profile right away on the same site that we met on, which tore me to pieces. I was devastated
About two weeks after that, I tried calling him. I needed some kind of closure. I was so sad that he didnt respond to my goodbye letter, that he didnt care to get closure, that he moved on right away without even talking to me. I was still so in love with him. When I called him he tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He told me he thought I was bipolar, that my goodbye letter to him was this "essay" that he was so annoyed by and didnt want to read, that I reminded him of his crazy needy ex (the woman who supposedly destroyed his entire life and broke his heart) and that he had enough anxiety in his life and didnt need more from me. I sat there, believing everything he said, assuming I was the reason why our entire relationship fell apart, and I begged him to be friends. I couldn't let go.
A few weeks later I ran into one of his friends. We spent the entire night talking about Andrew. His friend revealed to me that Andrew was unstable, that Andrew's ex wife was actually his ex wife and that it wasn't just a pesky piece of paper that was signed. They had an actual, legitimate wedding ceremony. I was also informed that Andrew had this breakdown where he threw his mom's dog out of a two story window (a man, who supposedly claimed that he was obsessed with animals and wouldnt hurt a fly).
I was in shock..................but was still so codependent and so obsessed with him and so heartbroken that I didnt want to see it or believe it. I just felt sorry for him. I still missed him, I believed I created all of the problems in our relationship.
After seeing his friend, I contacted him after not speaking for a few months. I asked if I could see him. He responded in a happy, excited way. I wanted to see him that night, and he never showed up.
A few weeks later he asked for me to come over. Needless to say, we slept together. Things felt that night as though nothing had changed. And I felt optimistic that we would get back together. As I was leaving, he asked to see me the following week and asked if I could start spending the night at his place again. I agreed.
When I tried to contact him the following week, he ignored me. I sent him kind texts saying I was thinking of him, how special that night was for me, how I cant wait to see him again.
And I never saw him or heard from him again.
Recently I spoke to his friend who I had run into previously and I asked him if Andrew was doing ok. He told me that Andrew had told everyone what a pain in the ass I was and he asked if any of his friends would be willing to date me so I would stop texting him and bothering him.
I have been so crushed by all of this. I feel like what Andrew gave me when we were together was this fairytale dream. He seemed to be this perfect, damaged man that I was madly in love with. I wanted to take his pain away and be there for him and show him the love that he was lacking in his life. But he has hurt me so much........he made me feel like I was insane, he slept with me and never spoke to me again, he tried to sell me off to all of his friends. I don't even know anymore if anything he told me was true. The whole marriage thing, if his ex wife was as crazy as he made her to be, if he was as innocent and heartbroken as he played himself to be. I'm just at a complete loss. I feel like I dated a pathological liar who fooled me when he felt like I was this dream woman...and then left me when he realized I wasn't perfect. All of these promises of marriage and moving in together...are promises I latched onto. I was so dedicated and willing to change in order to make our relationship work. I couldn't understand how he just gave up on me.
Yes, I do understand I got too attached. I got too clingy. Even after our relationship ended, in my efforts to get him back.........
I guess at this stage of mourning I am just trying to understand where my role was in all of this. I don't want to truly believe that my codependency is what lead to the end of our relationship. I don't want to believe that I deserved the way that he treated me....but lately I have been feeling this way...and its made me question everything. I am so terrified right now of being in another relationship again. I'm terrified of having such an amazing connection with someone else and pushing them to the point where they will just be disgusted by me. I feel like I have to change entirely in order to even be in a working relationship ever again. And I am still attached to the perfect relationship Andrew and I had before everything fell apart. I don't know how I will find someone who made me feel like he did. I'm completely stuck and confused.
I would appreciate any advice on this matter and I'm sorry for the super long story! I hope that you all have a great day and I look forward to hearing any similar stories or ways in which you believe I can move on from this situation.
All the best,
V.
As for your feelings of co-dependency, you have to realize that you are complete as you are. Don't base your happiness on another person, it will only lead to misery and heartache for you (this I know from bitter experience as it's what I did in my marriage). Welcome to the site, and I wish you the best.
There is a good book by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More that you can get from a library that will explain so much about codependency. And if you review some of the back posts on this board, you will see good articles and other resources that people have posted and even reposted for a long time. Going to meetings of CODA (they also have online meetings) or Al-Anon is also very useful. Being able to recognize codependency patterns in your life is positive and being honest with yourself, is yet another step towards helping to retrain from those patterns. As people help you with codependency, they may mention common codependency patterns. Below further is from CODA about those patterns and if you read it, you may see parts of it in yourself:
I bring up the book and learning about codependency because one of the patterns that codependents exhibit is being unable to make decisions for themselves. For me to try to give you advice now would actually be feeding your codependency instead of helping you to climb out of it. By feeding your codependency, chances are you will probably not follow that advice because you havent learned about codependency.
What I would like to see you do is learn about codependency so you are able to come back here with a better understanding of what it is and hopefully have already figured out some patterns you want to change (work on some, not all at once) -- already a healthy and positive decision for yourself.
Try this and know that helping you is healthy and positive and you are worth doing it for you. The people that have gone through reading and meetings have usually found it worthwhile. Youll be able to ask questions of people here and better understand what they are talking about. Many hugs.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence (from CODA)
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I perceive myself as superior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.
Compliance Patterns:
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Control Patterns:
I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.
Avoidance Patterns:
I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.
I am speaking from my experience. I am no way a therapist. Please take it or leave it.
This is what i understood from your Post - Some where along you knew something was not right but you kept trying for this relationship to work. My question for you is why?
My answer to the question from my experience - This is something coming from your past. When children dont have healthy parents they tend to repeat unhealthy patterns in adulthood. In my case i had an alcoholic father and Lost Mom to Suicide. My parents were pretty much unavailable so i have always felt abandoned and Rejected... Not to mention never had healthy self esteem.
I always felt i grew up quick and took care of others so much to forget about me. Typical Adult child of Alcoholic behavior- learned parenting an alcoholic when i was a child.. Good news is its learnt behavior .. with some work and effort it can be unlearned, with help of a therapist, lots of reading, going to supports groups like ACOA, AL-ANON, CODA and conscious living i understood that Adults can take care of themselves and i dont have to parent them. All that i have to do is take care of me. Focus more on my feelings. Put myself first. If something i sense is wrong then it is wrong.. we can deny our feelings but we can never deny Body responses... When i have a gutt feeling about something i tend to take its advice rather trying to please someone.
In my case i was always attracted to unavailable men BECAUSE of one reason - Familiarity of known. It took me some courage to start working on myself with help of support.
Use this breakup for your advantage ...Build a relationship with self...
It sounds like you might benefit from reading about narcissists and narcissistic abuse. Have a look at these web sites, I hope they help, I think they will.
http://www.narcissismfree.com/
(read some of the 'articles' in particular)
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/index.htm
I would guess that your relationship didn't end because of you or your codependency- however, your relationship probably continued way longer than it should have because of your codependency! It sounds to me like he has some pretty big issues and, sadly, this is probably just how he treats his partners. This is just how he does things. And codies are the perfect dance partners for men like this.
Having said that, I do think we have our lessons to learn from being involved with these types of people. We ignore red flags, the worse they treat us, the more we chase them, all that sort of stuff- these are the bits we can take responsibility for, work on and change. But I hope that reading the information on the sites above will help you see that you aren't responsible for the way he treated you. The way someone treats you says more about them than it does about you!!
I hope you find the websites helpful... there are a stack of really excellent articles on each of them. Take care :)
I was jealous and had low self-esteem, he was an alcoholic with anger issues, but he blamed me for everything.
I met him online, and after we broke u, he also went on the same very site that we met on.
We went back and fourth a lot, and today, I am 4 days NC and it feels like an eternity.
My codependent self wants to reach out and contact him, even though I know he is not right for me and I know I deserve better.
It's so hard, I struggle every day.
How are you doing?
Even though I am a man, I can so relate to all of you. I met a woman online too and thought I met the perfect person, but she ended up just treating me like garbage and eventually threw me away like I was worth nothing at all...
All I ever did was love her. I even moved my entire life to be with her. It has been so hard to even move on. Currently at three days NC and I think I am going to go insane. Every minute feels like a year. I hardly can get any sleep. I have no answers just like you for any of this. I just wish I could gain some closure too...