Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello all,
I have recently come to see that many of my problems and much of my stress in life has stemmed from codependency. I have read over much of it, and feel that a lot of resonates with behaviors in my life. A few of my particular problems include:
-Taking in 'broken' people into my life and trying to 'fix' them. (most of my friends have major health issues and rely on me to help them)
-Attempting to control issues that I feel could lead me to stress and anxiety, but the urge to control has in itself also created by anxiety and fears of being betrayed or wronged.
-Going above and beyond to help others reach happiness while sometimes ignoring my own happiness. Especially when I fear losing those people or angering them.
Currently, I've been doing what I can to continue to read and take steps to recovery. Right now though, there are still issues that gnaw at me and have been particularly difficult to get over. The most difficult of which is my current relationship/non-relationship with my room mate.
To shorten a long story, we have previously been in a relationship which has ended and mended twice now. The problems stemmed from an incident where he lied to me about writing a letter to his ex by saying he was writing to his mother. I had given him chances to come clean about it but he hadn't, even going as far to accuse me of needing mental help. After a weekend, I sat down and explained to him that I knew he had been lying and it was behavior that I could not accept in a relationship. He went to great lengths afterwards to prove to me it wouldn't happen again. After a month, I agreed to give another chance.
Other incidents followed, including finding out that he had a hobby (I feel it's an addiction) of writing sexual or romantic stories with others and that I was not comfortable with and again felt the need to end the relationship until we could get to a point where we both felt we were healthy enough for a relationship. It has been months and he hasn't engaged in any sexual or romantic story writing with others, at least to my knowledge.
The agreement had been we would take steps to get jobs and to get our own place ( we currently live together), and we would not be in a relationship until I felt stronger as a person and until he had resolved his own bad issues and habits.
In the meantime, we've been living together and it's been very rewarding at times to have such a good friend as a roommate (aside from the major problems we always get along great!), other times it feels confusing as if we are still together as a couple ( he even said he considers me his significant other, we tell each other we love each other, and we are still affectionate though not intimate sexually) though we both feel we aren't relationship ready. It's been excruciatingly hard to let go.
The worst part about it is I feel the constant need to watch over him, constantly fearing being lied to again or having something happen behind my back.
I do my best to stop this where I can, but it is hard when we live in a small space together. It is only one room.
I feel as if I've come a long way in stopping some of my previous bad habits. I no longer go through and read conversations or check his history behind his back, I've stopped trying to do everything for him like help him find a job and have taken a step back to let him do things on his own while trying to focus more on myself. I've even become a lot less insecure about him talking to his friends and online friends, who are mostly female. (All except one who he has known for years is very lude and often sexual in nature and often tries to get him to engage in writing romantic and sexual stories with her online.)
I've explained to him that I don't feel comfortable at all with him writing romantic or fantasy sexual stories with others, though I've tried to make a little leeway for it out of fear that I was being too insecure or unfair by not trusting him after I had said I would give us a chance to start over with trust issues.
He's let me know that he'll tell me if romance or anything sexual of nature comes up with anyone, be it real or fantasy.
And yet whenever he talks to her I find it very very hard to not inadvertently watch over the conversation. If I can't watch it, I drive myself mad with overthinking or fearing what they might be talking about even though most times he'll show me if I ask casually what they're talking about. I'm always terrified of things happening behind my back again, (as they have in other relationships as well) to the point where I avoid going out so he doesn't have time alone to talk to her, or trying to make extending plans to keep him unavailable to this friend of his.
I really, really want to stop this, I'm wrecking myself over trying to go above and beyond to make sure I'm never inadequate in comparison to others in his life for fear of losing him, especially now that our relationship is ambiguous and in such a muddy grey area.
Any support or advice I can get is greatly appreciated!
I have recently come to see that many of my problems and much of my stress in life has stemmed from codependency. I have read over much of it, and feel that a lot of resonates with behaviors in my life. A few of my particular problems include:
-Taking in 'broken' people into my life and trying to 'fix' them. (most of my friends have major health issues and rely on me to help them)
-Attempting to control issues that I feel could lead me to stress and anxiety, but the urge to control has in itself also created by anxiety and fears of being betrayed or wronged.
-Going above and beyond to help others reach happiness while sometimes ignoring my own happiness. Especially when I fear losing those people or angering them.
Currently, I've been doing what I can to continue to read and take steps to recovery. Right now though, there are still issues that gnaw at me and have been particularly difficult to get over. The most difficult of which is my current relationship/non-relationship with my room mate.
To shorten a long story, we have previously been in a relationship which has ended and mended twice now. The problems stemmed from an incident where he lied to me about writing a letter to his ex by saying he was writing to his mother. I had given him chances to come clean about it but he hadn't, even going as far to accuse me of needing mental help. After a weekend, I sat down and explained to him that I knew he had been lying and it was behavior that I could not accept in a relationship. He went to great lengths afterwards to prove to me it wouldn't happen again. After a month, I agreed to give another chance.
Other incidents followed, including finding out that he had a hobby (I feel it's an addiction) of writing sexual or romantic stories with others and that I was not comfortable with and again felt the need to end the relationship until we could get to a point where we both felt we were healthy enough for a relationship. It has been months and he hasn't engaged in any sexual or romantic story writing with others, at least to my knowledge.
The agreement had been we would take steps to get jobs and to get our own place ( we currently live together), and we would not be in a relationship until I felt stronger as a person and until he had resolved his own bad issues and habits.
In the meantime, we've been living together and it's been very rewarding at times to have such a good friend as a roommate (aside from the major problems we always get along great!), other times it feels confusing as if we are still together as a couple ( he even said he considers me his significant other, we tell each other we love each other, and we are still affectionate though not intimate sexually) though we both feel we aren't relationship ready. It's been excruciatingly hard to let go.
The worst part about it is I feel the constant need to watch over him, constantly fearing being lied to again or having something happen behind my back.
I do my best to stop this where I can, but it is hard when we live in a small space together. It is only one room.
I feel as if I've come a long way in stopping some of my previous bad habits. I no longer go through and read conversations or check his history behind his back, I've stopped trying to do everything for him like help him find a job and have taken a step back to let him do things on his own while trying to focus more on myself. I've even become a lot less insecure about him talking to his friends and online friends, who are mostly female. (All except one who he has known for years is very lude and often sexual in nature and often tries to get him to engage in writing romantic and sexual stories with her online.)
I've explained to him that I don't feel comfortable at all with him writing romantic or fantasy sexual stories with others, though I've tried to make a little leeway for it out of fear that I was being too insecure or unfair by not trusting him after I had said I would give us a chance to start over with trust issues.
He's let me know that he'll tell me if romance or anything sexual of nature comes up with anyone, be it real or fantasy.
And yet whenever he talks to her I find it very very hard to not inadvertently watch over the conversation. If I can't watch it, I drive myself mad with overthinking or fearing what they might be talking about even though most times he'll show me if I ask casually what they're talking about. I'm always terrified of things happening behind my back again, (as they have in other relationships as well) to the point where I avoid going out so he doesn't have time alone to talk to her, or trying to make extending plans to keep him unavailable to this friend of his.
I really, really want to stop this, I'm wrecking myself over trying to go above and beyond to make sure I'm never inadequate in comparison to others in his life for fear of losing him, especially now that our relationship is ambiguous and in such a muddy grey area.
Any support or advice I can get is greatly appreciated!
Many hear, like myself, will be able to relate to your feelings of fear and over-thinking.
It sounds to me like your "relationship" may be causing you more stress and pain than it does enjoyment. You may consider asking yourself a few questions:
1) If it's revealed to you that he's still writing these stories that make you uncomfortable, how are you going to react to that?
2) Do you stay in this ambiguous situation and continue to over-try because you expect that doing so will cause him to "see the light" and your relationship will start again? Is that what you want?
3) If you are not happy in a relationship with him, how easy/difficult do you think it will be for you to start a relationship with someone else while sharing a one-room apartment with your ex?
4) If you had a hobby or interest that he was insisting that you stop it, how would you feel? Without making any judgments about someone's specific interests or activities, this is a slippery slope in my mind.
I hope that you find the support that you're looking for on here and find the answers that you need within yourself. You will hear a wide-variety of opinions I'm sure, but you should take them all with grains of salt. After all, each of us can comment on each other's lives, but no one else has to live them.
Thank you for replying and taking the time to read my long story.
I really feel like at this point in time I get more positive than negative feelings out of my relationship, sometimes I even feel like if that friend of his weren't in the picture things would be a lot easier.
1) If he ends up coming forth and telling me that he's writing or going to write the stories of a sexual nature with another person involved, I don't think I could feel comfortable being in a relationship with him. I would rather be with someone who doesn't engage in anything of a sexual nature with other people while in a relationship with myself.
2) I really feel that I do stay hoping that things will work out between me and him one way or another. I think deep down though (especially since he hasn't in months) I'm hoping that he will decide he's bored of it or doesn't want to write smut stories anymore with others.
3) Out of respect for him and the prospective person I wouldn't be able to start a relationship in that situation.
4) In the past I've given up things for the people I've been with easily...My relationships tend to take great priority in my life.
Thank you for your insight and advice.
I hope that you will find the results that you want. It does sound to me, however, like you are attaching a lot of our happiness to what this guy does or doesn't do. This can be a hard way to live, but I hope that it works for you :)
I've tried taking up hobbies, classes, etc. My mind seems to always want to preoccupy itself on the problems.
I must admit your title of this post really made me smile......."Controlling the control issues" is really a vicious cycle.....The reason it made me smile is because I am in a little hamster wheel right now with a situation and I am trying hard to control something that is really not totally in my control....but it is wearing me out and I am grinding my jaw at night without even knowing because I am holding on so tight to trying to control it!! So crazy feeling!
Anyway......back to you........ I wish I knew exactly what to tell you on how to let go......I am really bad at it.......it is like jumping out of a plane and hoping the parachute opens.....that 'letting go' of the control......*sigh* I would think all the zen master would say it is all about faith in a higher source and/or system.....whatever you subscribe to, and if you don't subscribe to anything than maybe that is what you need? Also a little faith in yourself that no matter the outcome, you will be ok. The latter is what I always forget.....I have gone thru so much crazy stuff that I have lived thru.....if I could always remember that in the "now" then I would know I will be ok no matter what :)
But I suspect you may need to get really nitty gritty honest that maybe you really want to be in a relationship with this guy and that is why you are trying to hold onto control so hard. That you really want the 'and they lived happily ever after' and maybe you just need to know that this is his flaw......can you live with this being the flaw? I mean there are worse things.....and why not do a little writing between you two? Just saying'.....it could be fun! ;)
(K....gonna admit its been awhile since I have been in a relationship....so your situation sounds dreamy in comparison of being single another day in my mind! HAHAHAHAH)
Sometimes.......breaking a few rules, letting go of control.....and seeing where it goes and taking a chance on having your heart broken might just be what the doctor ordered, no?? This is coming from someone single.....and I don't know the whole storyline of what your history is......but ya know....throwing it out there :)