I'd like to share an incredible experience that I think many here would appreciate. (Most of my friends wouldn't understand the significance as they are not doing this work)

Yesterday my family all drove down to the next city to help my sister move from her apartment to her first home with her fianc. After I was done helping with moving all her and her fianc's stuff from their apartment I was recovering in the living room when my dad called out generally for help. He was changing the locks on the door. I usually avoid helping my dad as most of my most painful childhood memories with my Dad involved helping him in some way around the house or yard. It ended up feeling like he just wanted a servant to quietly hold whatever it is he wanted held and made me feel just absolutely worthless. He always got frustrated with me and would end up yelling - which was always scary, no matter what I tried to do or say differently. It took me a long time to learn to avoid being around when he decided he wanted to get some work done around the house/yard (which was every weekend).

So against my better judgment I went over to help him, telling myself it was just for a second. Well, it's the most incredible thing, but we worked on that deadbolt until it was finished, for at least twenty minutes. I made suggestions and he listened, but he never believes me. My usual response, even as a child, was to continue explaining why my idea was right or a good one, but yesterday I just let it go. Did I really care? No, it just means it'll take longer to get done. What's amazing is because I made that "I'm only lovable if ..." list, it helped me realize that I always "argued" with my Dad and was always trying to prove to him that I was worth listening to. I think my constant arguing and trying to prove I was right, triggered some internal mechanism and thinking which in turned triggered his shame (from his childhood and his own abuses). I never understood what shame was so was not capable of understanding that this is what was happening. Then as I continued to argue my point, his shame would get so intense that he'd eventually start yelling at me to get me to stop, but he wasn't ever really mad AT ME. He was protecting himself because of his psychological pain. O_O

It doesn't excuse yelling at a child, or any of the pain I experienced or the messages I got of being worthless and stupid and only lovable if I do things right, etc. But it makes it easier to be compassionate towards him and me. AND understanding this, finally seeing it, makes it so sometimes, I CAN work on a project with my Dad. And he doesn't end up yelling at me and I don't end up feeling worthless and useless. It took 35 years, but I finally get enough to actually drop some walls. It's just incredible.

Not saying things with my Mom will ever be better than "okay" but I can't control her. And I'll take what I can get, and if that means things improving with my Dad, I'm running with it! ^_^ Have a great day everyone.