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I have been struggling daily with some issues that occurred with work. I am trying diligently to let it all go but it seems with each day a new issue arises which re-invigorates my original issue and as well is 'added to the list'. I have had terrible sleep, I have had tons of crying behind the scenes in phone calls with my mom and friends, I am totally depleted of energy......and now here I sit to gain some solace on this wonderful site as well as some tips and tricks to move past this situation in the healthiest manner possible and while still holding my boundaries together and not feeling so much self loathing. I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this, there are a bunch of moving part so I will try to Reader's Digest it as best as I can;
So here is the situation.
-Had a meeting with the executives of a client, I had to reveal some challenging messages. I discussed the messaging prior to delivery with my manager and the sub employees of the client we were all on the same page. I delivered the message, felt I was clear and to the point and ended with "I just wanted to be sure we were all on the same page and that there were no surprises". Easy peasy....didn't pick up any struggles with what I was saying, didn't pick up that I had pissed any one off.....carried on with my day.
-Day later I am asked by a co worker to go to lunch with only him. Ok.......hmmm strange. Go to lunch and basically am provided a annual review by him, with him advising me; that not only that I pissed off the top executive, but that I need to learn how to be quiet during the meetings and detach and that I am taking everything too personally. Ok....BLINDSIDED to say the least. a) why is my manager not discussing this with me (he told me the manager knew he was telling me all of this) b) say what?????? I thanked him for the insight, re-iterated what I thought were his points and he agreed that I had heard him correctly. Mind you he talked crap about the manager and a bunch of people, touted he should have been the manager on the project,. yadda yadda yadda,.....lets just say it felt very arrogance filled, yet I was still willing to hear what he said and take it heart-but felt slightly betrayed by the manager and put off by the guys delivery of the message.
-Came back from lunch, very timid about talking to the client and felt as though I needed support, told the manager and this co-worker that I would like them to take the lead on the conversation, and I needed them to do so, I didn't really tell them why but I figured the writing was on the wall a) because of this lunch I just had I was TOTALLY UNCOMFORTABLE and b) because the news they were delivering I was not comfortable with as well as totally disagreed with the approach so I was not going to be a partied to it.
-A couple days later I called all of our manager who is the VP of our company, we all equally report to him. I discussed all of the important items a) I pissed off the client and was made aware b) I was having trouble with my workload as a result of this co-worker and the manager not agreeing with what to instruct me on and I had many iterations and 2 months of work thrown away and tons of rework as a result. As well the VP and I did a reset on the project outline to be sure I was on the right page.....ended that conversation feeling very confident as this VP assured me that it was a problem of too many cooks in the kitchen and I was doing great and he had not heard anything about me pissing off the client. OK WHEW!
-Then I get a call from my manager of the project. He just wanted to touch base because the VP had called him in to discuss the problems and said that he was totally ok with me going to the VP. I said I was sorry and didn't want him to feel like I did an end around- but due to the fact that the co-worker said he knew, it was what was needed. I mentioned that due to the severity of the message that I had pissed off the client I felt it was important to discuss with the VP. He said "I didn't know he was going to discuss that with you, and I really wish he hadn't". I said well I was ok with it was just surprised I hadn't heard it from him. I said I am sorry I upset the client, he said you didn't piss off the client and in fact it was a messaging issue for the entire team and that he was going to press a reset on the entire project team....but no I had not in fact pissed off the client and DONT CHANGE A THING ABOUT YOUR COMMUNICATION. (that is a key point)
I walk away totally confused but happy that now my manager AND the VP have both assured me that I am ok......think nothing of it and carry on. Had a few more follow up discussions in the regards to the project and nothing more felt out of bounds or wrong......
-Then the following week get my actual annual review from a lady who does all of the reviews on behalf of the VP. She and I discuss some items related to what I had experienced I was trying to gain some insight and learn from what I had just went thru related to communications breakdowns over all on this project and how I could better serve the project, but something kept nagging me as her responses felt very PREJUDGED. So then she continues and tells me that in fact I DID PISS OF THE CLIENT and that I NEED TO CHANGE MY COMMUNICATION. Wait, say WHAAAAATTT?? So I tell her that a couple of points negated what I had been told, but it is literally like I can feel her just dismissing me.....so I am left with this conversation feeling so bad.....then the kicker...this incident which JUST occurred was on my review and in writing, where I thought her and I were just having a conversation about it! HOLY CRAP!. Now my review overall is stellar and in fact the comments now negate each other "She is awesome at communicating with the client" and also "She needs to work on communicating with the client"....ok which one is it. Further they didn't review me on my entire year of work, only 6 months.....WTF.
Since then I have been working non-stop on deadlines for the last 10 days, I have been up in the middle of the night tossing and turning, I don't know who to go to with this....and each day a new nuance of BAD communication is occurring, and I am just trying to be agreeable and am feeling all meek and muzzled on the project. Things I have brought up time and time again which were ignored are now becoming a problem.....I am so tapped out and don't know what to do here.......ARrrggghhhh!
HELP!?
So here is the situation.
-Had a meeting with the executives of a client, I had to reveal some challenging messages. I discussed the messaging prior to delivery with my manager and the sub employees of the client we were all on the same page. I delivered the message, felt I was clear and to the point and ended with "I just wanted to be sure we were all on the same page and that there were no surprises". Easy peasy....didn't pick up any struggles with what I was saying, didn't pick up that I had pissed any one off.....carried on with my day.
-Day later I am asked by a co worker to go to lunch with only him. Ok.......hmmm strange. Go to lunch and basically am provided a annual review by him, with him advising me; that not only that I pissed off the top executive, but that I need to learn how to be quiet during the meetings and detach and that I am taking everything too personally. Ok....BLINDSIDED to say the least. a) why is my manager not discussing this with me (he told me the manager knew he was telling me all of this) b) say what?????? I thanked him for the insight, re-iterated what I thought were his points and he agreed that I had heard him correctly. Mind you he talked crap about the manager and a bunch of people, touted he should have been the manager on the project,. yadda yadda yadda,.....lets just say it felt very arrogance filled, yet I was still willing to hear what he said and take it heart-but felt slightly betrayed by the manager and put off by the guys delivery of the message.
-Came back from lunch, very timid about talking to the client and felt as though I needed support, told the manager and this co-worker that I would like them to take the lead on the conversation, and I needed them to do so, I didn't really tell them why but I figured the writing was on the wall a) because of this lunch I just had I was TOTALLY UNCOMFORTABLE and b) because the news they were delivering I was not comfortable with as well as totally disagreed with the approach so I was not going to be a partied to it.
-A couple days later I called all of our manager who is the VP of our company, we all equally report to him. I discussed all of the important items a) I pissed off the client and was made aware b) I was having trouble with my workload as a result of this co-worker and the manager not agreeing with what to instruct me on and I had many iterations and 2 months of work thrown away and tons of rework as a result. As well the VP and I did a reset on the project outline to be sure I was on the right page.....ended that conversation feeling very confident as this VP assured me that it was a problem of too many cooks in the kitchen and I was doing great and he had not heard anything about me pissing off the client. OK WHEW!
-Then I get a call from my manager of the project. He just wanted to touch base because the VP had called him in to discuss the problems and said that he was totally ok with me going to the VP. I said I was sorry and didn't want him to feel like I did an end around- but due to the fact that the co-worker said he knew, it was what was needed. I mentioned that due to the severity of the message that I had pissed off the client I felt it was important to discuss with the VP. He said "I didn't know he was going to discuss that with you, and I really wish he hadn't". I said well I was ok with it was just surprised I hadn't heard it from him. I said I am sorry I upset the client, he said you didn't piss off the client and in fact it was a messaging issue for the entire team and that he was going to press a reset on the entire project team....but no I had not in fact pissed off the client and DONT CHANGE A THING ABOUT YOUR COMMUNICATION. (that is a key point)
I walk away totally confused but happy that now my manager AND the VP have both assured me that I am ok......think nothing of it and carry on. Had a few more follow up discussions in the regards to the project and nothing more felt out of bounds or wrong......
-Then the following week get my actual annual review from a lady who does all of the reviews on behalf of the VP. She and I discuss some items related to what I had experienced I was trying to gain some insight and learn from what I had just went thru related to communications breakdowns over all on this project and how I could better serve the project, but something kept nagging me as her responses felt very PREJUDGED. So then she continues and tells me that in fact I DID PISS OF THE CLIENT and that I NEED TO CHANGE MY COMMUNICATION. Wait, say WHAAAAATTT?? So I tell her that a couple of points negated what I had been told, but it is literally like I can feel her just dismissing me.....so I am left with this conversation feeling so bad.....then the kicker...this incident which JUST occurred was on my review and in writing, where I thought her and I were just having a conversation about it! HOLY CRAP!. Now my review overall is stellar and in fact the comments now negate each other "She is awesome at communicating with the client" and also "She needs to work on communicating with the client"....ok which one is it. Further they didn't review me on my entire year of work, only 6 months.....WTF.
Since then I have been working non-stop on deadlines for the last 10 days, I have been up in the middle of the night tossing and turning, I don't know who to go to with this....and each day a new nuance of BAD communication is occurring, and I am just trying to be agreeable and am feeling all meek and muzzled on the project. Things I have brought up time and time again which were ignored are now becoming a problem.....I am so tapped out and don't know what to do here.......ARrrggghhhh!
HELP!?
So I am so far outside the situation that you have to take this with a huge grain of salt, but my instincts say ....look closely at that guy who blind-sided you - the one you wrote about in the fourth paragraph:
"Day later I am asked by a co worker to go to lunch with only him. Ok.......hmmm strange. Go to lunch and basically am provided a annual review by him, with him advising me; that not only that I pissed off the top executive, but that I need to learn how to be quiet during the meetings and detach and that I am taking everything too personally. Ok....BLINDSIDED "...etc.
I feel like he's trying to play some kind of game of sabotage or something. He totally gives himself away in how he talks bad about the manager, and also the manager and VP are both saying you didn't piss off he client. I think he may have talked to the "lady who does all of the reviews on behalf of the VP" somehow. Or maybe he talked to someone who talks to her, or email?
Anyway that's my instincts on the situation specifically.
What to learn from this....first if you feel tapped out, what needs to be done to return back to your center? Did you stop doing something you usually do to meet your deadlines? Have you dropped some of the healthy things you did to support yourself and maybe is it time to go back to them?
Second...perhaps it's time to decide who you trust to give you accurate information? And perhaps time to decide who you're going to believe and who you're going to dismiss. We can't listen to everyone and believe everyone or trust everyone's perspective, right? You have good judgment in deciding who's judgment you want/can trust. I think believe in yourself and start ignoring some of the bad input. I don't mean dismiss, because that'll leave you vulnerable, but don't allow bad information into your bubble.
Third, you said there's a lot of "BAD communication" occurring regarding this project and going on around you. I would venture to suggest you reflect on how you can help the situation, then let the rest go. You can't fix everything, nor are you responsible for it. I think your manager realizes it's his job and honestly it is. You do the best you can for whatever is reasonable to take responsibility for, and then release all the rest to him, where it's supposed to be.
Hopefully others can provide more insight, but those were what hit me to start. Good luck. Don't forget to breathe. You have been through so much, this you will make it through too, despite the horrible frustration. There's no doubting that.
So sorry to hear this is happening. It sounds like a lot of drama. You want valid feedback b/c you want to do a good job, but you are getting mixed messages. Someone is not being straight with you, and the question is, who? I agree with TeelaNa that the co-worker who asked you to lunch probably isn't trustworthy, if for no other reason than he is bad-mouthing other people, but it's entirely possible that the manager / VP are not being straight with you either, based on the conflicting feedback.
Something to keep in mind, too, is that when a client is not happy, people look for someone to blame, and that may be why you're getting mixed messages. At this point, I wouldn't worry too much about the feedback. You're not getting a clear message and can't see the whole picture, and you can't act on conflicting feedback, so it just becomes another mind game.
If you can look in the mirror and honestly tell yourself that you handled the situation w/ the client to the best of your abilities, then that's really what matters. And if you could have handled it better but were able to learn from the experience, then it will be worth it, because you can take the wisdom you gained into your next encounter.
Another thing that's occurring to me based on my own experience is that as someone recovering from codependency, my radar is not always attuned to whether or not I am being manipulated. While codependents are certainly capable of manipulation for our own gain, sometimes we are easily manipulated, too. There have been times when I had a naive belief that people are good and want to be helpful, but that's not always the case: the are con-men (and con-women) in the world, and our employers/co-workers sometimes don't have our backs. And yet, the child could die of hope.
So if any of this resonates with you, you can ask yourself these questions as well: Am I being manipulated? Does someone (or do several people) have an interest in trying to deceive me and/or keep me in the dark? What are my blind spots?
One final thought -- I am currently reading the book Give and Take by Adam Grant. He is an organizational psychologist who has identified three interaction styles: givers, takers, and matchers. It may be helpful to learn about these interaction styles and see if you can identify the interaction styles of your co-worker, manager, and VP. If you are dealing with a company full of takers, then it may explain some of their behavior. If you can start to gain some clarity there (hopefully after some good rest), then you may be able to continue to peel back the layers of your organization and see what's really going on.
Of course, if you suspect that your company's dynamic is completely dysfunctional, then there isn't really anything to learn here except to keep an eye out for it in the future. This is something I'm trying to learn, too, and it isn't necessarily an easy lesson!
Good luck and keep us posted -- I hope you come to some important insights/clarity soon!
Read up on this issue:
http://time.com/3666135/sheryl-sandberg-talking-while-female-manterruptions/
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/opinion/sunday/speaking-while-female.html?_r=0
http://www.fastcompany.com/3030861/bottom-line/why-women-fail-to-speak-up-at-high-level-meetings-and-what-everyone-can-do-about
And how to defeat it:
http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2014/07/23/study_men_interrupt_women_more_in_tech_workplaces_but_high_ranking_women.html
https://hbr.org/2014/06/women-find-your-voice
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Speaking-Workplace-Professional-Organizational/dp/140398722X
I was great at speaking up in meetings. I eventually learned how to just keep talking until the interrupting male stopped trying to interrupt me and then returned to my point.
And NEVER EVER go out alone with anyone again from work. For your safety and theirs.
Are you comfortable talking openly with your manager? Some work places require a manager signature on performance reviews, so I wonder if your manager is even aware of what the woman put on your review?? Perhaps you can ask your manager why you are getting conflicting information about your communication with clients, and also why your review only covered 6 months instead of 1 year?
Or does your company have an HR department that you can approach? Maybe it would be useful to call a meeting with an HR person, your manager and the woman who did your review to get everyone on the same page.
Handling workplace problems is definitely not my forte (I've been known to just up and quit a job in order to avoid confrontation with a superior), so apologies if my suggestions are way off-base! Good luck!
Brightside I have an article at home that my mom cut out for me where a lady wrote in to a news paper (LA Times or NY Times) and said that in the tech industry specifically there is a lot of this female/male BS......*sigh*......that sucks.
But once again cannot thank each of you enough for taking the time to read and reply to this message!! Thank you Thank you!!
If possible, do all communication with this bad guy over email so it's documented. Cover your own back.
I think as codeps we are "too good for our own good". I think you are still trying to play by the rules and this guy has no respect for the rules at all and wants to use your niceness against you.
I'm sorry I have no easy answers. I have my own work story about someone trying to sabotage me. It was jealousy. I work in high tech too. We should chat sometime.
So more to the story occurred this week.....but I am so exhausted from the storyline since I have spent 2 weeks hashing it out in my head, that I just feel like I want to drop it like a hot rock and carry on with ME and my LIFE which seems so much more important to focus on....then the fodder seems to only get more and more twisted.
Now in reflection, all this situation has done is highlighted how I need to find another job, the travel was already wearing me out but I loved the job so much I was finding it hard to leave......so I guess they did me the favor of giving me a reason to leave :)
I'd go to HR and respectfully request a meeting with the VP, the manager, the co-worker and the "lady" so you can all *ahem* communicate simultaneously. That way, any inconsistencies (read: lies) will come out.
You are the victim in this. I'd document everything and try to set up that meeting. I have been through the mill with things like this. They will F with people... until they can't any more. Be that one they can't screw with. And there's always the EEOC if you do think it's a sexist thang.
Hugs and hang tough!
I'd be careful about the job hunt. Keep it under your proverbial hat, but they may pick up on that, too.
I'd still try to find the strength to do something...
Peace confused.
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Coworkers-Deal-Dysfunctional-People/dp/1572242191/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407943465&sr=1-1&keywords=toxic+coworkers
Great articles and a book about working within a dysfunctional workplace