Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
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I used to feel like....I was a good person. And now I dont feel that I am anymore. I feel that since my breakup with my ex in January I have become so bitter and angry and fucking hateful of everyone and the world.
Everything I used to love...drawing, painting, all of my hobbies I now hate because they remind me of my ex.
I felt that I was so selfless and giving and loving and because of my codependency issues and heartbreak I have hurt so so so many people. I know that deep down inside that I am a good person but I have said TERRIBLE things to friends, lost many friends, have lost potential love interests. I just feel like I completely lost control and lost myself and have transformed into such a terrible, angry human being.
I would feel rejected if people didnt reciprocate my texts or constant attention and in return just threw them out of my life...and made sure they would stay out by saying terrible nasty things to them.
Now more than ever I have hated myself. All I feel is remorse...guilt.....sadness...anxiety...hatred of myself.
I no longer see the good person that I was...because I feel tainted. I feel like I will never be able to be the kind soul that I was. All I remember is the mistakes that I made, the ways that I have hurt people, the terrible things that I said that I tried to erase with so many apologies.
I have reached the point where even when I tried to go back and leave heartfelt apologies and emails and voicemails to those that I have hurt...they dont even want to talk to me. I feel like I can no longer blame the world for my problems and for my pain...and it is so fucking hard to look back and realize that I was not a victim in my circumstances but...the cause of them. 23 years old and now I have to throw away everything I ever knew and start over. How do I find new friends? How do I become pure and sweet and redeem myself of all of the pain I have caused to others? What do I do?
I dont know what or who I am anymore. I feel like I've turned into a monster. What do I do?
I used to feel like....I was a good person. And now I dont feel that I am anymore. I feel that since my breakup with my ex in January I have become so bitter and angry and fucking hateful of everyone and the world.
Everything I used to love...drawing, painting, all of my hobbies I now hate because they remind me of my ex.
I felt that I was so selfless and giving and loving and because of my codependency issues and heartbreak I have hurt so so so many people. I know that deep down inside that I am a good person but I have said TERRIBLE things to friends, lost many friends, have lost potential love interests. I just feel like I completely lost control and lost myself and have transformed into such a terrible, angry human being.
I would feel rejected if people didnt reciprocate my texts or constant attention and in return just threw them out of my life...and made sure they would stay out by saying terrible nasty things to them.
Now more than ever I have hated myself. All I feel is remorse...guilt.....sadness...anxiety...hatred of myself.
I no longer see the good person that I was...because I feel tainted. I feel like I will never be able to be the kind soul that I was. All I remember is the mistakes that I made, the ways that I have hurt people, the terrible things that I said that I tried to erase with so many apologies.
I have reached the point where even when I tried to go back and leave heartfelt apologies and emails and voicemails to those that I have hurt...they dont even want to talk to me. I feel like I can no longer blame the world for my problems and for my pain...and it is so fucking hard to look back and realize that I was not a victim in my circumstances but...the cause of them. 23 years old and now I have to throw away everything I ever knew and start over. How do I find new friends? How do I become pure and sweet and redeem myself of all of the pain I have caused to others? What do I do?
I dont know what or who I am anymore. I feel like I've turned into a monster. What do I do?
Also, I have found it sometimes not helpful to try and term things as good or bad. Have you ever had something happen that you thought was awesome and then you actually ended up thinking it totally sucked or vice versa? I bet you have.
It is all a process. Who knows where its going but getting into self hate or self pity certainly won't take you anywhere good. But I do think it is good to be honest with yourself and learn from the wreckage. A lot of people won't even look at such things so I guess you are doing great, as painful as it is.
Don't beat yourself up. I think it is important to start forgiving yourself. And take it day by day. You are making progress. There are people, lots of people who say hurtful things and they have no conscious. The fact that you are aware is a step forward.
Continue to share. You are not a monster.
I suggest that you aim for being your own authentic self. That is a realistic goal.
No one is pure and sweet beyond the age of two! We each struggle to navigate this journey on a path that is our own unique path.
It sounds like you have some narcissistic abuse in your past. We have to learn to be ourselves warts and all. Narcissists destroy that authentic self until it is repressed too far. It is a difficult journey as an adult but not impossible. That monster you are feeling is likely the inner two year old asserting the human need to separate and find identity.
Learning to forgive myself was the first step. That meant allowing myself to have those warts that everyone has which includes letting others truly have their own warts. I can only speak for myself but I had to accept that I judged others very harshly all the time. When I let them be whom they were, I started to accept myself.
To be 23 again and KNOW I was Co-Dependent....but no...... I am way older and just figured it out.....so at least you got a head start.
I think the "monster" phase is the most painful one to go thru of this path. I always think of the Tower card in Tarot, it is the one where everything is crashing and burning and sometimes there are people jumping out. I always equate that to a new beginning or a tearing down who you are, what life path you are on, or whatever you have let go of to rebuild in life. I know some people get turned off by esoteric stuff but I love all the religions, spiritual practices and such...I am solely using Tarot as a reference, not as a bible in this commentary by the way.
Anyway, you are just starting your life in so many ways, when you get up there in age you will find you will look back at this time with "whew, I made it". The fact that you are exhibiting signs of having self reflection about things you do that you aren't happy with, and want to change them no less, leads me to believe you are a sensitive, caring, conscience, and loving person.......the hardest part is getting past the condemnation and start loving yourself first. When you love yourself first then all the other pieces will fall into place; you will attract friendships and partners who will actually be better for you, and the codependent triggers and defense mechanisms will dissipate.
I am focusing on the loving myself for 2015.....its a rough one. Mistakes are something I never thought of myself as making, I thought I was just so great to everyone and they pooped on me, which lead me to get upset......but naw, I played games, manipulated, said sh*tty things, pushed people away, etc. etc. etc. (the list is long). And amongst all the things I did to others, the list is even heavier of what I accepted from other people....and the worst....what I did to myself (compromised my worth ALOT).
But once you get to accepting it, that "sh*t happens", and that you are still alive to have another chance (each second of every moment is a chance to start again)....then you realize, it isn't half bad, and with time you look back and go "wow that all happened for a reason, and I am so glad it happened because it brought me here". Its just getting to the "here" that is painful and sometimes feels like forever.
But be gentle with your self talk, know you are only human, and you deserve to be forgiven...and by yourself most importantly. IT IS ALL GOING TO BE OK! I promise ;)
Take care of you, enjoy your holidays, if you have a favorite family member or friend that you have still in your life that you can reach out to, that you have the confidence loves you no matter what, get to hanging out with them....it is so healing to be around those people....it makes you feel humanized again.
and 2015 is right around the corner....so start setting your goals of what you want for the new year!! To new beginnings!! Carpe Diem! xxoo
"Also, I have found it sometimes not helpful to try and term things as good or bad. Have you ever had something happen that you thought was awesome and then you actually ended up thinking it totally sucked or vice versa? I bet you have."
I have never quite put it in those words, but dazedandconfused and codachrome make this point well. There are many things that feel crappy at the time, but were necessary steps to something much better. There are other things that feel like they are what we always wanted but turn out to be nightmares.
You are not a monster, heyvee, you are human. Humans make mistakes, say the wrong things, "go to far," and burn bridges from time-to-time. If you did not do these things, you would not be pure and sweet. You would be a robot.
If you've recognized that you've made mistakes, owned up to them, and apologized to the people you've wronged, then you have done your part. If those people cannot forgive you, then that is their shortcoming and not your own. If those people cannot forgive you, how much fun will they be to have in your life anyway?
Something that strikes me a little bit when I read your message actually is that a part of me wishes I could trade places with you. Many of us still carry our unhealthy relationships and unnecessary obligations with us every day, feeling unable to break free and to move in a new direction. Yes, you are 23 and feel like you have to start over, but you are 23 and FREE! You have the opportunity to build the life you want, to have the healthy, caring relationships you want., free from the past and from the difficult influences. This feels scary, I know, but nothing worth having is ever easy to get. You are captain of your life. You have the chance to point yourself in the direction you want your life to take and to start moving. There is no better time to do this than now.
I try not to give direct advice to people on here, since I recognize that we each need to come to our own answers at our own time, but I am going to give you one piece anyway. Go draw something, paint something, sculpt something, or do something else creative. You say that you quit drawing and painting, which you used to love because they remind you of your ex. Why continue to give your ex the power to control what you do (or don't do)?
You should start a painting and push through those feelings and reminder until you've finished it. Try it once. I believe that you will be successful, that the reminders of your ex will dissipate and you will enjoy it. I also believe that you are a creative person and would benefit from the outlet for your feelings.
When you're feeling angry, guilty, or hateful, paint angry and hateful things to release those feelings. This is a MUCH better outlet for that energy than talking down to yourself.
Keep your head up and keep moving forward.