Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi, my name is Jarrod and I am definitely co-dependent. I'm in my early thirties, and the history in my family is that my mother was a severe alcoholic and is currently addicted to drugs. I have an estranged relationship with her and I haven't actually seen her for over 3 years.
That co-dependency has raged inside me for as long as I can remember. I feel inadequate so in all the relationships I've ever had I have tried to buy love through dates, jewelry, clothes, housing, and any other means I could provide to make my significant other at that time see any value in me and love me. It's very sad, I see so little value in myself that I've always felt the need to provide something tangible for the other person to care.
I told my therapist I feel that I have no redeeming qualities. Nothing about me that will make someone want to stick around. I can fake it, be charming and funny, and draw them in... but sooner or later I feel like I have to smother them to keep them with me.
The other part of the equation is I suffer from depression that manifests as anger and anxiety. And because of that I tend to push people away, act like I don't care, and go into fits of rage where I scream and curse and act verbally abusive. it's so terrible, I've said some incredibly terrible things to people who are close to me.
The reason why I'm at the point I am now is because I'm in a relationship with a woman who I actually love very much. The thing is, she actually loves me very much too. She didn't need anything from me to start loving me, and she has continued loving me even through all of my faults and all of the horrible things I've done and said.
I still took it upon myself to shower her with gifts and things she didn't ask for because I didn't feel good enough about myself to accept that she loved me, and just be OK with it. Eventually we moved in together, and my depression started to take over and I acted out in fits of rage where I would yell at her, say awful things to her, and push her away. I would also be complacent, act like her opinions didn't matter, and wouldn't listen to what she had to say. I would flat out refuse to talk to her and validate her feelings. I'm a real piece of crap.
About two months ago I pushed her away to the point that I told her to leave. I didn't want her there anymore because I thought she was the problem and she was the reason for all my unhappiness. I realized quickly there after that I was wrong. She left and all the problems I had got worse. My depression got worse, I became a totally negative person, and never had anything good to say. It took it's toll on her and eventually she had had enough and broke up with me.
Somehow because of that a light went off, and I started to realize that this wasn't her fault, these were my problems and I was going about dealing with them the wrong way. Several days later we talked and I told her I would get help, seek a therapist, do whatever I had to so that I could get better and we could be together. She reluctantly agreed that if I got help we could get back together and we have been "together" since then.
Only reason I say "together" is because she is now living about 2 hours away from me. It's awful. I don't see her ever, and I hate it. I basically spend every day worrying about her, texting her 100 times an hour, calling her 50 times a day and constantly needing validation. It's putting so much stress on both of us. I don't sleep, I barely eat, I am just totally miserable.
There have been talks of a full reconciliation, her moving back home for good, but they're all hinging on both of us getting our heads on straight. She wants to take time to sort out our issues for herself, and try and forgive me where she can. I obviously need help with co-dependency and I am currently seeing a therapist for my depression and anger. I'm using this forum as just another way to get my story out there and talk to folks who know the struggle.
If you have any advice for me please let me know. I want to try and love myself, because truthfully if she decides she is done and can't move home period, all I'm left with is me, and I need to accept myself and care for myself.
That co-dependency has raged inside me for as long as I can remember. I feel inadequate so in all the relationships I've ever had I have tried to buy love through dates, jewelry, clothes, housing, and any other means I could provide to make my significant other at that time see any value in me and love me. It's very sad, I see so little value in myself that I've always felt the need to provide something tangible for the other person to care.
I told my therapist I feel that I have no redeeming qualities. Nothing about me that will make someone want to stick around. I can fake it, be charming and funny, and draw them in... but sooner or later I feel like I have to smother them to keep them with me.
The other part of the equation is I suffer from depression that manifests as anger and anxiety. And because of that I tend to push people away, act like I don't care, and go into fits of rage where I scream and curse and act verbally abusive. it's so terrible, I've said some incredibly terrible things to people who are close to me.
The reason why I'm at the point I am now is because I'm in a relationship with a woman who I actually love very much. The thing is, she actually loves me very much too. She didn't need anything from me to start loving me, and she has continued loving me even through all of my faults and all of the horrible things I've done and said.
I still took it upon myself to shower her with gifts and things she didn't ask for because I didn't feel good enough about myself to accept that she loved me, and just be OK with it. Eventually we moved in together, and my depression started to take over and I acted out in fits of rage where I would yell at her, say awful things to her, and push her away. I would also be complacent, act like her opinions didn't matter, and wouldn't listen to what she had to say. I would flat out refuse to talk to her and validate her feelings. I'm a real piece of crap.
About two months ago I pushed her away to the point that I told her to leave. I didn't want her there anymore because I thought she was the problem and she was the reason for all my unhappiness. I realized quickly there after that I was wrong. She left and all the problems I had got worse. My depression got worse, I became a totally negative person, and never had anything good to say. It took it's toll on her and eventually she had had enough and broke up with me.
Somehow because of that a light went off, and I started to realize that this wasn't her fault, these were my problems and I was going about dealing with them the wrong way. Several days later we talked and I told her I would get help, seek a therapist, do whatever I had to so that I could get better and we could be together. She reluctantly agreed that if I got help we could get back together and we have been "together" since then.
Only reason I say "together" is because she is now living about 2 hours away from me. It's awful. I don't see her ever, and I hate it. I basically spend every day worrying about her, texting her 100 times an hour, calling her 50 times a day and constantly needing validation. It's putting so much stress on both of us. I don't sleep, I barely eat, I am just totally miserable.
There have been talks of a full reconciliation, her moving back home for good, but they're all hinging on both of us getting our heads on straight. She wants to take time to sort out our issues for herself, and try and forgive me where she can. I obviously need help with co-dependency and I am currently seeing a therapist for my depression and anger. I'm using this forum as just another way to get my story out there and talk to folks who know the struggle.
If you have any advice for me please let me know. I want to try and love myself, because truthfully if she decides she is done and can't move home period, all I'm left with is me, and I need to accept myself and care for myself.
I'd research love avoidant personality. Sounds like you've got it.
I think it's a blessing she's 2 hours away. If she had been closer to you, she'd get sucked back into your abusive fits, and she'd clearly not be healthy and you'd be involved with a codependent.
My advice is that you not be "together" until you can feel okay by yourself. Otherwise, the relationship will not be based on maturity and respect; it will be on neediness, desperation, insecurity and control.
Take a year off. Do the work. She can, too. If you two really love each other, then make the commitment to go No Contact while you work on each other. Then see if after a year, there's anything there. What's a year, anyway, at 31.
That's my thoughts on the matter. What do you think?
And by the way, you're not worthless- you write very well.
We talk a lot now and I feel like she's already moving on even when she tells me she isn't. I have a constant need for reassurance, and always feel lesser than I am. I just find nothing in me worth anything. It's a terrible and lonely feeling.
I went to ala-non for the first time last night and am trying to use that as an outlet, along with therapy, to sort out my co-dependency, depression, anger, anxiety, and other issues. But it's like you said, it's just a long road.
I'd suggest to you that you are wanting to be with her out of fear. And you don't want her staying with you out of obligation.
Why is being alone so scary to you? Is it that you hate your own company that much? Is it that you feel the need to control her staying with you b/c you couldn't control your father's drinking?
I hope I don't come off as some armchair psych, but the more you think about what's motivating your behaviors, the more you can gain some insight and begin to heal.
It sucks, it makes it nearly impossible to sustain any kind of an actual relationship. I hate the way I feel, pretty much hate myself.
I definitely exhibit a lot of their behavior, only difference is I'm not an awful parent and I make my son a priority. It's a difficult situation because I went for so long not wanting to give my mom the satisfaction to know that she had any effect on me, so it's hard for me to come around and open my eyes to it today.
Some boundaries I have is no texting during the day...which I use as validation that I'm important to him. I make myself spend an hour everyday alone and plan things I like in that time. I am thinking about a hobby or something I would enjoy that would be just for me and committing time every month to do it. Focusing time on other relationships. As I just started it is very hard many times during the day I want to text and have to busy myself. I'm hoping as I invest in other things it will get easier.
I also go to a recovery group and step study I feel is so helpful, I would highly recommend a step study if you are doing alanon they are life changing and you are worth it.