Wow, I think we were dating the same guy. Mine is the same. He came on strong, then disappeared. I always chase him and he acts like nothing ever happened and doesn't apologize for disappearing or anything. Then he disappears again. The latest was that he got distant after exclaiming that he "wasn't going into avoidance mode again" and I didn't hear from him for 2 wks. Then I broke no contact and he acted like everything was normal again for a week of texting. I said I wanted to see him and he said he wanted to see me too and suggested last Thursday. Then Thursday he began ignoring my texts and Friday as well. I haven't tried to contact him since Fri and don't know if I'll ever hear from him again.

I read the book He's Scared, She's Scared after my psychologist pointed out that he was a classic commitmentphobe. It described his behavior and past relationships perfectly. I will not chase him anymore. If he misses me, he can come around and talk to me about how he plans to address his behavior. It hurts and I cry everyday.

I'm going to go to my first Coda meeting tonight. I have been coming to some Love Addicts Anonymous meetings as well. I have to stop trying to fix him and just let go. The ball is in his court. If he's the type of man I want, he'll be willing to fight for me.

You are not alone my friend, you are not alone.

I know the situation. don't contact him any more. Just read this book. And if he keeps trying to contact you, tell him to read it too.
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1408606234&sr=8-1&keywords=he%27s+scared+she%27s+scared

i still miss him a lot though. wondering what he's doing, how he is coping and how he is spending his time...what if he never contacts me.? I've been waiting for half a year now..yet i still can't find the conviction to put a closure into it.

He's love avoidant.

You keep mentioning, the "friend." I think there's some boundary issues there. Can't put my finger on it, though, but I think you should also detach from him/her- the friend keeps stirring the pot...

Not to sound sarcastic, but he said he'd call you when he's not tired. I guess he's still tired. But when are YOU going to get tired of waiting around??? Move on and give YOURSELF your own closure. If he was this was as a fiance, imagine him as a HUSBAND! He did you a favor by showing his true colors BEFORE the wedding.

Don't be surprised, though, that as SOON as you move on, he'll find a way to creep back in. You need to be strong!

Hugs.

I totally agree with DeliAnnem

thats very funny D! but so true.... do you think it really is time to cut it? like no turning back anymorE? no exceptions?

I' not one to say, "100% no exceptions," but I think you need to take that stance so there's no wiggle room in there. You need to heal and detox from him.

I'd expect it to take double the time you were with him... How long was that, btw?

Also, please look to us for feedback, but not instructions on what to do. We're just strangers on the internet...

If you need closure, don't look to him. Write a letter to him you never send. Then write yourself one from you.

Hugs.

I think we're all dating the same guy! Oh boy.

I agree with Deli, and I'm really not one to say but I know and feel where you are coming from. You have gone 6 months no contact (a place I never made it to) and I strongly suggest you do not turn back. I have felt all that anger you are feeling, I've told myself "Why me again?!" So many times. It doesn't have to be you again, it doesn't have to be him either. You can let go off the hurt and anger and try to move on with your life. I know, easier said than done, but it is possible.

Like Deli said, we really can not tell you what you should do, but you've come a long way, and you can keep moving forward.

Best of luck to you!

hello all..
feeling so down.. why are things not working out? why can't things work out between us? how come he is not reaching out? now i am wondering what he is so ashamed of why he won't contact me.. its been 6 months.. and not a single word or hello:( how can he do that?
is it not true that when you love someone you will do whatever it takes to not lose the person? it's almost our anniversary.. it makes me anxious.. i wanna set a deadline and finally make a decision to move on.. but is that even within my control.. it's not fair...i heard from a friend that he loves me and misses me everyday, yet is not doing anything at all. where's love there? love is best proven with action right... ?? :(

YES, the power IS within you to move on.

Set the date with TODAY.

I'd argue that it doesn't MATTER if someone loves you; it's HOW they love you. And this guy's NOT what you need. He's not even IN your life, and he's causing you grief. Think about that...

I'm telling you, he's playing games b/c he's weak. He'll only get the nerve once he finds out you've finally moved on. In fact, it's getting to the point of being creepy, if you ask me.

what if he is having a difficult time.. if he says that he loves and misses me everyday maybe he does.. but he cant fight the self defeating behaviors? is that part of the disease of addiction? a friend from.coda told me to try to reach out.. sad..what to do*?

D.. why creepy?

Everyone has different opinions on what you should or shouldn't do. Most seem to think no contact is the answer for everything. I think, in cases where there is any kind of abuse or where the person has Narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorder, then no contact is absolutely the way to go. And I've had to do that on more than one occasion.

In my current situation, where I know the guy isn't any of the above but now realize he has Avoidant Personality Disorder and that getting close to someone causes him extreme anxiety, fear of rejection, fear of criticism, etc, it's not necessary to go no contact. I've talked to 2 psychologists about my situation and they've agreed that if I can handle the hot and cold behavior WITHOUT getting hurt, then it is ok to stay in contact but to detach myself emotionally and not expect him to meet my emotional needs. That is the key.

In my case, I know he cares. I know he's scared. I know he has serious issues (as do I) but he has not done the work yet on himself to make a relationship possible. So I am detaching as best I can. I am still in minimal texting contact with him. Sometimes he initiates, sometimes I do. Some days we don't contact at all. And I'm to the point now where I'm ok with it. I know he's not out seeing anyone else because of his avoidance disorder. He's EXTREMELY introverted and afraid to meet new people. Knowing that helps me cope.

When we do text, it is not flirtatious or emotional. Just texts that you would send a friend. I have tried to get the closure that you seek as well, but he is simply not capable because he does not have enough self awareness to be able to explain his behavior. So what helped me was figuring out his behavior for myself. I happen to enjoy studying psychology and am a very analytical person. Knowing about his prior relationship pattern, the things he's said and done to me, and then reading about commitment phobes, love avoidants, and Avoidant Personality Disorder answered all those questions for me, that he couldn't answer himself. That gave me the closure. A lot of people say I should not be learning all this about HIM. I should not be studying HIM. I should not be trying to figure HIM out. But that's what helps ME. Everyone is different.

Not all avoidants avoid for the same reasons. Some are shallow, manipulative assholes like narcissists. Some are scared due to fear of intimacy/commitment. So you can't throw them all in one category. That is what I've learned this time around. He is very different from the others who were abusers in one way or another, and truly evil people. He is not a bad person, he is an extremely damaged person from a very traumatic past much like my own. But he has to decide to deal with his issues. And he hasn't made that decision yet.

Do what is best for you. It is not a one size fits all, black and white answer.

very very nice sharing agentsmith. i appreciate it so much and i can relate when u said people tell us to stop figuring them out.. thats the only way to understand.. i really try my best to focus on me..
i think yes.. he is avoidant due to being damaged by his past.. thats why i can hardly let go.. because i believe somewhere in my heart is telling me that he will get to healing.. its just taking hin so much time. im just scared when the time comes that im all drained already.. i pray everyday.. for him and for us.. i agree too.. and sense that he has not made that choice yet. sometimes i wonder whether that time will.come or not. i just pray not knowing whats in store for me..we have not been in contact for half a year now..and i miss him alot..and i dont have plans of reaching out for now.. i want him to be the one to do that. that for me is his commitment that he is ready to work on his and our issues as a couple. i dont really know until when ill wait..