Yesterday was really a "backslide" for me in this off & on relationship, just me giving in out of feeling obligated/guilty when he is like I have continued to say "a mess", making progress in some areas, noticing other areas that are of concern. I am dealing with a mentally ill person (not that I'm perfect). His new psychiatrist is not much help at this point. Oh God. It's like I say no and then change my mind. It's like I try to appease him and forget I HAD boundaries that were working for me. Ok I spent money on someone who is careless with his money and earns literally 100- + hr as a tattoo artist (new job) when I am behind in rent, stupid of me. I can't afford to throw around my money (bought herbal sleep remedy for him, who is only sleeping 2 hours a night over a month now). He's starting to act paranoid at times (sleep deprived). Sometimes he accuses me of hating him. He dreamed I made out with someone and it's like he can't let it go, like he's mad at me, like he's convinced himself it's real. He's covered his bedroom window with tape and newspaper (depressing) and cleared his shelves of all "stuff" (books, decorations). Ok seriously, I asked him about his gun collection and he had been suicidal, and the next day he gave his brother all his guns. So I feel invested in trying to help this man. I felt better when I could say "no" without guilt, to seeing him, and put my needs and responsiblities to myself first. So he got me some sort of promise ring and I wasn't wearing it last night and he looked sad, more guilt. He made a comment about us not being boyfriend and girlfriend, only dating (my wishes) so I said he could call me his girlfriend if he wants, after I said for he umpteenth time I don't WANT to get back together and breakup again, why can't we just love eachother? He's so forgetful, I'm sure he'll not remember it's my b-day Saturday (last year I reminded him several times) which I don't want to feel obligated to spend day with him. Counselor reminded me to check how much energy I have before I say yes to seeing him, which can be draining. I hate to blame him for my lack of healthy boundaries.

At the same time the Holiday season with Mom taking on the world and Aunt over during Thanksgiving, I notice the codependency in them with apprehension and disdain, I suppose, as I see it is a huge detriment to me. I mean, my whole alcoholism and drug addiction began and progressed as a way to "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". I am in recovery now. I just am not a fan or admirer of adults taking on responsiblity of other capable adults, and this is modeled for me in Mom and Aunt, and was so hard for me to be around, like "can't u see how unhealthy this is?" No, they can't. I guess same as for me. I am in it and I have a hard time being objective and seeing, Gee, this is not what life is supposed to be all about. I neglect myself to try to save someone else who again is mentally ill and it's not like we live together, after 5 breakups I just let that word "girlfriend" sneak back in and I let that "promise" ring on my finger, knowing the guy is quite disturbed and can't be a good influence. The thing is he knows all this I share, he is open to hearing it, I am open to sharing it, he is usually ok with it, it is just ME and my GUILT that says, screw the boundary, focus on him, forget yourself, until I am suffering. No wonder I got so sick around Christmas time. Oh God!