Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Sorry about all the posts lately. I promise this will be my last one for a while.
So my partner is sick after I gave him my cold (that I’m still recovering from) and he’s been really miserable. I don’t know how to to be there for him. I tell him to drink plenty of fluids and eats vitamin C and he tells me that pisses him when I say stuff he already knows, so I told him I just wanted to show I care. He responded that one shows they care by making tea or soup.
Well I made soup but I put celery in it, forgetting he doesn’t like celery, and to be honest, he probably wouldn’t have ate it because he doesn’t like my cooking and he says he doesn’t like Canadian soup (I made chicken Noodle soup.). I was thinking of making more soup without celery but there’s a good chance he won’t eat it and will just get angry with me for wasting time and ingredients and trying too hard.
He gets annoyed when I fuss over him but he has also gotten annoyed that I didn’t pay him attention, and I get the feeling from him that he desperately wants comfort but he wants me to know how without him telling me and I can’t read minds.
I do ask him if he needs anything and he lets me know if he does, but I feel like it isn’t enough? I don’t ask him a lot because like I said he hates it when I fuss. Am I overthinking things? I want to read a book and do my own things but I feel guilty when I do so, like I should be taking away his misery instead of reading. Now that I wrote this out I realize how crazy I sound.
He’s a difficult person to comfort. Other sick people I’ve attended to like my soup and we’re happy to have me cover them with a blanket and give them snuggles. I can’t just do those things to him because if they’re not what he wants then I’m smothering him and he gets angry, but when I ask him if he wants those thing he normally says no and acts annoyed like i’m fussing too much.
I guess I just need assurance that asking if he needs anything every couple of hours and leaving him alone if he says no is enough. I feel like he wants more, that he wants me to read his mind and give him what he wants when he wants it, but I always get that wrong.
Anyone dealt with someone like doesn’t respond to regular comforting like soup and snuggles and extra blankets? What did you do?
FWIW when I was sick last week he mostly did his own stuff because I was okay taking care and comforting myself. I was actually more concerned about him catching my cold than how sick I was.
And we know someone who does this overly fussing over you stuff when no one asked her to do this and it is super annoying and I want to shout at her "stop this, I am a grown person and I don't need your babying". I am sorry this is so very blunt and I don't mean to hurt your feelings.
Figure out what drives you so you can understand your own "stuff" and fix it.
Another thought. You didn't "give" him the cold. Your body may have been spewing the virus as you coughed or didn't wash hands but he could have gotten this from anyone else or at the grocery store, etc. Sometimes these viruses just go around the area. One person might be exposed and get sick tomorrow while the next person might be exposed and it take 4-5 days to get sick. Additionally, both my partner and I have had bad illnesses that the other doesn't get. So, leave him alone, figure out what drives you, and stop. He will be so appreciative!
He reacted badly to it and I am not even that
Willing to wait on someone.
Maybe his mother was too annoying whenever
he was sick as a child, who knows. I just stayed
clear And let him suffer alone. He was not a child
regardless.
In recovery We need to learn how to keep the hula
hoop Firmly around ourselves. Fixing only us and
our Problems and issues. That is a huge challenge
for codependents.
We Really need to get to know ourselves and Learn
to trust And like ourselves, Notice a Pattern. We need
to learn about us and what we Want, think, feel and
desire not about somebody else’s, Hugs
To answer your question, urbangardener about what drives me, one thing I didn’t mention was several months ago he blew up at me. I mean, he. LOST. HIS. SHIT. I won’t go into the reason for the blow up but one thing he brought up was that I didn’t care enough about him when he’s suffering and we don’t act like a couple. Which shocked the fricking hell out of me because I kept asking him if he wanted to go places with me or if he needed something and he 99% said no and got annoyed if I pushed too hard so I stopped asking or “caring.” It was an incredibly ugly blow up and he was so angry with me, accusing me of not caring when he was hurting and needed comfort, and that shifted EVERYTHING in my mind. Now every time he’s miserable I got anxious that he thinks I don’t care he’s miserable. At the same time I know he hates it when I fuss. So I’m kind of... do I leave him alone, but what if I do and there’s another blow up where he accuses me of being a cold heart bitch who doesn’t care he’s miserable and wants comfort?
I could go into a million examples of why I think he wants me to read his mind. He hates it when I fuss over but he does like it when I have things ready for him to his specifications, so while I think he doesn’t want me “smothering” him while he’s sick, I think he wants certain things done with having to say what they are (he HATES using his words.). I get most of those rights but he’s never been sick like this so I’m not sure if he wants comfort and if so, how. And sometimes I feel like he’s resentful that he’s sick and I’m just blightly reading my book or playing Candy Crush and while he doesn’t want me to fuss over him, he wants me to suffer with him or something. I’m probably overthinking that.
Anyways I clearly am still reeling from that blow up where I accused of not caring about his pain. I guess to a codependent, being told we don’t care about someone is like the biggest “How could you even say that!!!” I need to accept that he’s an adult and he’s just going to have to use his words if he wants comfort and I have to stop feeling like a failure for not being to read his mind and for not giving him exactly what he wants the way he wants it.
So now I wonder, when someone says leave them alone, are they just saying that but deep down they really want me to stay and do sometime for them?
And I guess I need to realize that she was a kid and adults should be able to be direct and honest in their answer. So even if he says “ I don’t need anything from you” but secretly wants me to do something to show that I care, I still leave him alone and read my book guilt free because he should be able to be direct as a non-kid person.
*sigh*. It’s harder in practice when they look at you with such misery, but I guess I need to trust their words.