I figured something out for myself awhile....what part of my complete unhappiness at this point is all about. I feel as though I am "homeless" since he left & our "home" was sold...since then everything has been a whirlwind!
Since moving out with my 20 yr. old, 8 yr. old, cat & a very codependent dog, I have been going through hell. I was having a smoke tonight after returning "home" after a CoDa meeting...my bra was killing me & I feel even too tired to take it off. I get home after working all day with mentally challenged adults & dealing with all of thier "As The Stomach Turns" drama that I find extremely hard to deal with theses days & teaching them Life Skills (self-esteem, self confidence, etc) which I feel like a complete fraud teaching because I have the word "bullshit" going through my mind the whole time, to be bombarded with supper, chores, discipline, pets demanding attention, homework. The normal routine stuff that I basically did alone when we were together but it all seemed so much easier then...him just being there & being "home" It was a comfortable routine then....
Now, I feel pushed to the brink on the best of days, add ontop of that my addiction to this website, email, & another "how to win back an ex" website, counsellor appointments, doctor's appointments, gym, CoDA meetings & when I have spare time, going to see friends just to escape that overwhelming feeling of loneliness if I have nothing to do. Then I add on reading until my head is at the bursting point, mulling over all I have learned & trying to figure out how to work out all the self help stuff & of course, my ever present chattering voices in my head..."should have" "what if" "who's he with"....I go to bed at 10 pm usually & I am still staring at the clock at 1:30ish am...I need 8 hours sleep but am only getting an average of 4 1/2 to 5 hours...I'm exhausted the next day but it starts all over again....Any suggestions on how to relax? I am absolutely killing myself!!