Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Cutting my nose to spite my face......
So a previous discussion I had started was related to my job and how frustrated I am with the problems of communication on this project I am on. The continual 'too many cooks' in the kitchen aspect of this project and the problems between the managers and I am having to listen to them barking back and forth, re-doing work because one will give me instructions and the other overrides it, or visa versa, not being on the same page, I mean the list can go on.....
Well now it is as if this has been bleeding out in other aspects of my life. I had just been through the ringer of self loathing due to my co-dependency awareness (my perfectionist syndrome and finding out how not perfect I am really got me down). So I was on the uphill from that long awareness and the pain associated, and then this poop show at work started happening.....yes it never ends, there is something always going on, I get it, but I am emotionally TIRED.
Anyway, since I was still sensitive about this aspect of my new found awareness this whole debacle with my review and the job has now made me feel unmotivated, self defeating behavior is rearing its head, I am not engaged in this project and feel fake because I have become a "yes sir" person despite knowing everything is wrong and that we are making mistakes/bad decisions left and right. The supervisor I had called about the issues has been on every call and has been hand holding this entire project because I know he knows this has been a poop show as well.....I dunno all in all I am just OVER IT ALL! I hate thinking about it anymore, I hate this project, I hate talking to these two stupid dummy heads who are basically egotistical brats, I hate doing any work associated with this project, I hate the re-doing work over and over and over and over, I hate that I have to do anything related to this job at all....
I want to run away, crawl out of my skin, get out of this web I have created, redefine my world, not be in the corporate America b.s., just run for the hills!! But then there is the reality....I LOVE THE STUPID $$ and the comforts it brings........
*sigh*.......
I needed this rant, but seriously don't know what to do, I am applying for jobs which look so lame and have not inspired me but are my experience so I feel like I would just be stepping out of one web into another....I can't take it! Why didn't I pick up the guitar and become the rock star I was meant to be.......
So a previous discussion I had started was related to my job and how frustrated I am with the problems of communication on this project I am on. The continual 'too many cooks' in the kitchen aspect of this project and the problems between the managers and I am having to listen to them barking back and forth, re-doing work because one will give me instructions and the other overrides it, or visa versa, not being on the same page, I mean the list can go on.....
Well now it is as if this has been bleeding out in other aspects of my life. I had just been through the ringer of self loathing due to my co-dependency awareness (my perfectionist syndrome and finding out how not perfect I am really got me down). So I was on the uphill from that long awareness and the pain associated, and then this poop show at work started happening.....yes it never ends, there is something always going on, I get it, but I am emotionally TIRED.
Anyway, since I was still sensitive about this aspect of my new found awareness this whole debacle with my review and the job has now made me feel unmotivated, self defeating behavior is rearing its head, I am not engaged in this project and feel fake because I have become a "yes sir" person despite knowing everything is wrong and that we are making mistakes/bad decisions left and right. The supervisor I had called about the issues has been on every call and has been hand holding this entire project because I know he knows this has been a poop show as well.....I dunno all in all I am just OVER IT ALL! I hate thinking about it anymore, I hate this project, I hate talking to these two stupid dummy heads who are basically egotistical brats, I hate doing any work associated with this project, I hate the re-doing work over and over and over and over, I hate that I have to do anything related to this job at all....
I want to run away, crawl out of my skin, get out of this web I have created, redefine my world, not be in the corporate America b.s., just run for the hills!! But then there is the reality....I LOVE THE STUPID $$ and the comforts it brings........
*sigh*.......
I needed this rant, but seriously don't know what to do, I am applying for jobs which look so lame and have not inspired me but are my experience so I feel like I would just be stepping out of one web into another....I can't take it! Why didn't I pick up the guitar and become the rock star I was meant to be.......
It sounds like at least the supervisor you mentioned you called, has an eye on things and knows it's not all your fault? I remember your other post where people were looking for someone to blame.
I bet you are doing a good job, and just being very tough on yourself.
I hope you are keeping good documentation of everything. If you are putting in long hours, make sure you keep track. Make sure your supervisor knows how hard you are working. If there is any way to bring it to the attention of someone even higher up, do that as well. Be sure you are taking care of you.
I know you're probably tight on time with everything going on, but it really sounds like you could use some self-nurturing time, like a day spa or even just an hour long massage, or getting your nails done? Whatever it is for you, it just sounds like you've really earned it and need it.
Other than that, rant away! Do what you gotta do. You are a rock star, even without the guitar.
@11Christmas's; I am trying to not be hard on myself, but unfortunately it is that I am more irritated with everything so I start doing self defeating things to get a relief (eating those extra French fries, watching too many movies in a row, get lazy, not blow dry my hair, etc.) So it is as if I know I am 'right' or 'good' or not the one causing it but it is all so out of my control and going with the flow of this situation is so uncomfortable that the only thing I can do to feel relief is to do the things that are bad for me.....then that turns into cutting my nose to spite my face because I look in the mirror and am like "WTF am I doing to myself"
@Teela; just took a day off last week, went to San Diego for a weekend with boy, he and I got massages, splurged on nice dinners, stayed in a nice hotel, lounged by the pool, etc......I do all the self nurturing stuff but it is all of the unresolved resentment about the other situation that just compiles my frustration with this job, then I go into the hamster wheel of hurting myself again......
I just want to go swing in a tree hammock by the beach and eat coconuts, strum a guitar and play with my dog........
I want to check out of this life I got myself into......It is all feeling so unauthentic to my being....I am just not this girl. And now I don't know how to unring a bell as I have invested 20+ years of building a rad resume of skills that now I don't want to use and am stuck because I am finally making really good money doing it......waaaahhhhhhhhhhhh :(
Where is that uncle I didn't know about who is leaving me millions of dollars....
Thanks again for the feedback, the acknowledgment means the world!!
Just got a job interview for Monday!
Sometimes, you just gotta rant. I used to prescribe lots of vodka, but I stopped drinking...
What doesn't kill us, right? Hope knowing you are not alone helps.
Hugs!
And ya....this non drinking thing certainly does make the "I'll just go have a drink" thing go out the window, doesn't it! But I am so glad for the clarity and the feeling full feelings in life now.....so much more vivid and alive feeling!
And yes....it is definitely the case of 'F its!!"
Sobriety ain't for the weak, that's for sure. Maybe that's why it's such a blessing. We have to rely upon our faith (whatever that may be) rather than the bottle to get us through.
Hugs and kudos to you!