Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi all--
How great that I found this forum...thank you all for being here! I have stopped analyzing why my co-dependent traits have slid into my life again--It is what it is !
I broke off a relationship yesterday (for the third time?) in the past year. It is not as warped or destructive as in my ....30 years of relationships (and 18 yrs of marriage...divorced three years ago mainly due to alcohol taking him over....) Anyway, I knew I must find some support other than my bi-weekly therapy, to talk to people that know what I am feeling.
It seems to be a pattern with me that when I have broken it off with (I'll call him Bob) that I revert to being around 15 and say it in a fit of anger...he might have said or done something I felt was hurtful and I shoot from the hip. The point is I feel remorseful about being angry, but the feelings are real--Then I go on to apologize, and then away we go again.
He is not abusive, mean, etc, but is always under stress with his job, is negative about much, and most of our discussions are about his business or the crisis' he encounters. I am the sounding board and comfort zone. Sounds like SO much fun, doesn't it? :) I SO related to something I read on here about the co-dependent being the support who always tries to make him/her feel better. In the meantime, my needs are not being met.
Now the abandonment issue...the feeling is so intense I used to go into an almost panic mode when I left him and did not hear from him. I have been sober for many many years, as drugs and alcohol used to numb that fear and I could ride through it. But stone sober is different...
It is progress not perfection, and I am realizing more and more how much I need self-care on a daily basis, so that days, months, years later I don't slip back into old co-dependent ways. I get scared being alone again--my two children are out of the house now, and my teaching doesn't pay all my bills. Financial panic brought me to ask Bob a few days ago for a loan (I already borrowed from him in the spring) and he wasn't mean but understandably very forthright that he wasn't happy about me asking--The shame of asking and needing it brought me to change the subject a bit which lead to me breaking it off again.
I texted twice yesterday to first apologize for asking....it wasn't right and fair of me to ask for money, and it complicates everything, Then I said that it was shame on my part for asking and being semi-poor that provoked my reaction. Of course I had to add "I know this doesn't change anything, but..." Because I did mean the apology, and half of me doesn't want to get back together, but......the abandonment issue seeps in....
Sorry to ramble--it is good to be anonymous here ...LOL...I will come on here or find a meeting when the urge strikes to contact him. Oh, how I could relate to that woman who wrote about counting the days she did not contact him. Bravo to her....! I found that great affirmations and "Steps to Loving Yourself" page which I will look at each morning a pick a few...
We are all lovable and deserving of love--I don't know if that one is there, but I heard it somewhere.... Peaceful day to all, and thanks again for listening.
How great that I found this forum...thank you all for being here! I have stopped analyzing why my co-dependent traits have slid into my life again--It is what it is !
I broke off a relationship yesterday (for the third time?) in the past year. It is not as warped or destructive as in my ....30 years of relationships (and 18 yrs of marriage...divorced three years ago mainly due to alcohol taking him over....) Anyway, I knew I must find some support other than my bi-weekly therapy, to talk to people that know what I am feeling.
It seems to be a pattern with me that when I have broken it off with (I'll call him Bob) that I revert to being around 15 and say it in a fit of anger...he might have said or done something I felt was hurtful and I shoot from the hip. The point is I feel remorseful about being angry, but the feelings are real--Then I go on to apologize, and then away we go again.
He is not abusive, mean, etc, but is always under stress with his job, is negative about much, and most of our discussions are about his business or the crisis' he encounters. I am the sounding board and comfort zone. Sounds like SO much fun, doesn't it? :) I SO related to something I read on here about the co-dependent being the support who always tries to make him/her feel better. In the meantime, my needs are not being met.
Now the abandonment issue...the feeling is so intense I used to go into an almost panic mode when I left him and did not hear from him. I have been sober for many many years, as drugs and alcohol used to numb that fear and I could ride through it. But stone sober is different...
It is progress not perfection, and I am realizing more and more how much I need self-care on a daily basis, so that days, months, years later I don't slip back into old co-dependent ways. I get scared being alone again--my two children are out of the house now, and my teaching doesn't pay all my bills. Financial panic brought me to ask Bob a few days ago for a loan (I already borrowed from him in the spring) and he wasn't mean but understandably very forthright that he wasn't happy about me asking--The shame of asking and needing it brought me to change the subject a bit which lead to me breaking it off again.
I texted twice yesterday to first apologize for asking....it wasn't right and fair of me to ask for money, and it complicates everything, Then I said that it was shame on my part for asking and being semi-poor that provoked my reaction. Of course I had to add "I know this doesn't change anything, but..." Because I did mean the apology, and half of me doesn't want to get back together, but......the abandonment issue seeps in....
Sorry to ramble--it is good to be anonymous here ...LOL...I will come on here or find a meeting when the urge strikes to contact him. Oh, how I could relate to that woman who wrote about counting the days she did not contact him. Bravo to her....! I found that great affirmations and "Steps to Loving Yourself" page which I will look at each morning a pick a few...
We are all lovable and deserving of love--I don't know if that one is there, but I heard it somewhere.... Peaceful day to all, and thanks again for listening.
I remember my friend saying at a meeting that addiction is like dealing with those bobble heads--when one is finally down, another pops up! I try to laugh at that now...for me, it is finding ways to fill that hole or "empty well" without looking for it in a relationship. I love that affirmation/loving thyself page:
http://www.onlinecoda.net/affirmations.html
I'm going to try focusing on a few each morning. I also found the Hazelton site with "Thoughts of the Day":
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1904
I'm watching "The Hangover" right now to get out of my head and put some humor in it --lol
I played the support role in my last relationship--always trying to lift his spirits and insecurities while slowly but surely letting go of my own needs. Last month It became blatantly obvious that this way a one way deal when I was going through a tough time, and the support was not there. I think I realize more and more that I pick me n that are emotionally unavailable....then I get mad that they aren't.....duh! :)
X's