Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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familymess

sassybabe11
sassybabe11
Lisa my sister with cancer started chemo today. She is not doing good. My other sister and I discussed her funeral and how to pay for it about 1 month ago and she brought it up today and said that cremation is much less expensive but not sure what she wants to do. Hospice starts this week. I said well she should use the money from the benefit coming up to help pay for funeral costs. My sister says hell no, she said that she is going to make some house payments for me. So I said who pays for the funeral if she does not want cremated. She said the family I guess. Not going to borrow money for this as I have my own problems and kids to help.Got to take care of me and balance all this shit and love my sick sis while she is still here. but the mixed messages that i get and the way that i feel uncomfortable being around the other not sick sister is getting hard to handle. she just goes on and on and on about this benefit and what she is doing for lisa.i i stopped in today and she starting showing me all the gift cards that she has collected for the auction at the benefit and how i could try to get some also. wont leave her alone and wines about not being able to do anything and why does everone not want to help so that she can get out some. yeah thats my main concern!! i ran into a guy the other day in town-no kidding that said- yeah i heard that your sister becky was able to get out and enjoy herself!!!!! i have many times been stuck at home with my son with post open heart surgies and iv antibiotics for months with no help from them and did not plan a benefit to help me. what really sad is that they are pulling the wool over alot of people without alot of money who will donate and it will be spent on partying and alcohol. this really bothers me as i dont like it when people just take and take and take from others without any remorse
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
forgot to add that i really dont want to be around them alot and i feel better if i am not but will i feel guilty when she passes. tired of the crying and hanging on me when the non-sick sister is drunk and telling me how much she loves me and then next day she is a bitch. if someone else posted this i would say do what you can and visit as much as possible when the other sister is not there and know that you are dealing with a very manipulative and self centered person that must be the center of attention. any other advice
deleted_user
deleted_user
Um, no, that about sums it up. Keep as much distance from the annoying sister as you can. And remember, you cannot control others, only yourself. If people with money want to give it to her, then let them. It's not your problem. I know it can be embarrassing, but you're not the one taking the money, so you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Do what you can and no more. No matter how much you give of your time, money and self, it will never be enough. So don't give them what you can't afford to comfortably give up. You will feel guilty either way (I get it), but at least you won't be destitute.
deleted_user
deleted_user
sassybabe11....to thine own self be true.

Much love and support during this trying period in your life...but listen to your heart and what Lisa would want you to do.

You will have doubts no matter what happens....there is too much drama going on in a critical emotionally charged time.

You are powerless over your other sister. Powerless. Do what is right for you so you will not have any regrets and you may have regrets regardless of what you do after Lisa goes toward the Light because that is just normal grief. Time will heal and you will gain distance and a better perspective once you are out of all the immediate turmoil.

Hang in there sassy sister. It is a hard path to trod but you are strong and I have been there 7 years ago and I am still alive both financially and emotionally. In fact, I am in a better place.

This maybe a time to look inward rather than outward at what the other is doing and concentrate on what you are doing for yourself, your child and your sister Lisa. No matter what you want, what you do, your sister is going to do what she wants. It is a waste of your valuable time while your sister Lisa is still here with you.

Peace and love to you Sassy,
Kenoa
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
thanks for the comments, how true they are. it is embarrasing to me as this is a small community and everyone know that i am their sister. but yes i am not taking the money. seems the benefit is more for the other sister and many are asking what are they doing with the money? it is a very charged situation and personal life is not real good either. think i will return to counceling as this will not get better for a long time. so many feelings-fear, sadness, resentment, embarrasment, and anger at many things. but seems that no matter what i say or do i get raking over the coals my the one. she will be worse probably after she passes as she will be a basket case for along time. i just cant handle her, the one that is not sick, and its hard for me to even talk to her as i am so annoyed and seem to say the wrong things. by the way the wrong thing is anything that is in opposition to what she thinks.
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
and i do feel guilty for not being on the bandwagon about this benefit. sis that is not sick said that a friend from high school stopped by and gave lisa a hundred dollars. said i went an bought her a case of beer, 4 packs of cigs, and filled up my gas tank, since she said i have been running her everywhere. wish i could just drop out of the entire situation and hide. but need to be strong and stay focused on what i need to do to take care of me in this time and yes do what i can without stressing myself, they will say that i am selfish no matter what i do. they always have and said that i am petty. but i know that i am not what they say that i am and what the things are that have brought me to this degree of resentment. thanks for listening
deleted_user
deleted_user
Keep on sharing and venting here sassybabe11....this is a tough time even for the best of functioning families.

It is gonna pass. I know those words are not comforting but getting back into therapy maybe the best thing for you right now...if only to deal with the grief and turmoil you are feeling and haveing to cope with now...it could surmount to greater peaks.

What ever you can do to ground yourself and gain some perspective may help as you are in the whirl wind of a tornado of emotions that is currently inescapable. Somehow we forget to find our own peace in these times....and not get lost in all the conflicting emotions.

When my husband died at home and I was the sole caretaker it was like his five daughters came at me from hell. I have an inkling of what you are experiencing and it suxes big time. I did all the caretaking and all the work and paid for everything but I was still the ass whole for I don't know what & then they wanted EVERYTHING. So, it just gets ugly....it is the nature of the beast.

You don't know how you are going to feel when she passes. You can't anticipate how you are going to feel. You will feel a lot of feelings that is for sure and that is why it is very important for you to consider getting into therapy now before hand while you are feeling all these emotions to prevent anything from escalating after she passes. I suggest you listen to yourself.
Be well,
Kenoa
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
yes today been working on lettin go of resentments and the past and just loving her as much as possible as she may not be here soon. even thinking let her enjoy the benefit and the cash she gets. saw her today and she is a ghost of who she was. she has gained more insight that i ever thought that was possible and worrying about her soul and its just heartbreaking to see her now and hardly able to get around and seems like a living wake.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Getting back into counseling will be good for you, because at least you'll be talking to someone who actually cares about YOU and what YOU think and feel. I never had that in my marriage as it was all about my STBX all the time, so going to therapy is very rewarding because it's all about ME!