Its a bit funny that I've been so occupied with my partners problems. Maybe a silent indirect way for an adult child of narcassists to try to focus on her own problems and needs through getting imaginary "permission" under the guise of "helping"

I've unknowingly been leading myself to the information I needed most by worrying constantly about my partner. Thats a pretty strong coping mechanism.

I can see now as I do the self assessment that many of my codependent patterns started in childhood to cope with emotiinally beligerent parents, neglect, social shaming, and aggressive outbursts from my mother and brother.

I felt sick with self pity and hatred for my partner last night when I felt he had truly disappointed me. It seemed a bit.. off for such intense emotions but its hard to see through in the moment. I can see now I've got layers and layers of compounded grief and anger towards my parents and family for the repeated betrayals and disappointments and abuse.

I feel bad but I'm trying to go easy on myself . Thankfully I didnt act out these increduble feelings or try to blame or accuse him. I would surely have regretted it. It's becoming increasingly clear I've got a LOT of backed up emotions that have been coming up.

Today I'm facing myself to end the codependency patterns that have protected me in childhood but now threaten to destroy me and my relationship in the present. I know it will take time and I'm going to get help with this.