In the past month I have being doing a lot of thinking about expectations and how they impact my everyday life. I find I am always creating very detailed expectations, especially in my co-dependent relationship. I know I am doing it and I can acknowledge that - and I hope with time I will be able to remove these unnecessary expectations.

In the most simplistic form, I understand my irrational brain builds up an expectation of a behaviour/response from my roommate (whom I have developed my codependent relationship on - transferring from my Alcoholic mom) that will equal reassurance that I am loved and accepted by her. Each expectation is situation specific, and often will have played through in my head a great number of times (increasing the anxiety and emotion tied to it) - usually for insignificant interactions such as a casual conversation or a text message. The 'expectation' that I have created becomes a comparison point for her behaviour and allows my irrational brain to justify if I am loved or not. The situation can play out one of three ways:

1) situation does not align with exception = mood plummets, feel defeated/unloved
2) situation aligns with expectation = not quite satisfied - still feel as though things could have been better; my over-analytical brain over analyses the situation looking for the 'hole' or reason I am not quite loved/special enough
3) situation goes above and beyond expectations in a positive manner = feel very loved and accepted; reinforces expectations

However, I know this love and acceptance can not come from an external source, it must come from within me (something I am working on) - but my irrational brain cannot recognize this. It continues to propagate the pattern by creating expectations, always striving for number 3 [when things go above and beyond the expectations], and anything less my anxious codependent brain analysis the situations trying find proof that these failed expectations or even met expectations mean I am not loved and therefore not a worthy friend.

In the end my rational brian knows it is a stable, healthy, loving friendship - but it is these deeper, unconscious parts of me that are yet to understand this. They developed this behaviour as a cooping mechanism to survive, and undoing the damage of those decades of unhealthy relationships have proved to be very difficult.

I am trying to become aware of the expectations I set, and release them - hoping to eventually stop making them all together. This is not to be confused with holding people accountable or having standards for behaviours. I can also understand playing out a scenario in your head if you have to have a difficult or confrontational conversation or something else along those lines, but these expectations I create are within a different context - they are for everyday 'normal' situations, that are more or less in-significant in their meaning.

What are your experiences with expectations? building them up? releasing them? over-coming them?