I recently got rid of my ex of 12 years!!! 12 long years of torture that some how spiraled out of control, and by the time I looked up, I was sitting in a counselors suite waiting to tell some stranger my deepest, darkest concerns and worries. I knew that things were not picture perfect between my ex and I, but I always thought things would get better over time. Now I'm stuck in a position as to where I should begin this journey of healing and moving forward. Most people can sit down and say "I left my codependent partner" or "my codependent partner left me," well that was not the case for me. I have tried relentlessly over the last 10 out of the 12 years we were together to get him out of my life, but there was always something that reeled one of us back in. He'd threaten to leave and I would tell hime to go, but he never left. I would tell him that I am leaving and he would insist that I stay. This unhealthy tug of war has been ongoing since day one and I am physically and emotionally tired, drained, exhausted, and any other word you can think of to describe a person that is simply done!! We married in 2006 at the suggestion of his mother because I was pregnant with our son. That was not in our plans to have a child or get married within one year of dating, but these things happen I suppose. Although I was not fully ready to get married, I was prepared to co-parent with him. After all, how hard could that be? Despite the fact that I agreed to marriage when I was not ready, I felt that we could grow into one of those happy families that you see on 90s sitcoms. Let's just say that I did all the growing and he just sort of stood back and watched. He stayed out late without explanation, he ran up my money even though he made more than me (he's a terrible spender), and he somehow managed to blame me whenever things went wrong. Even our honeymoon was an emotional roller coaster. I was only 24 years old while all of this was happening. I did not have enough life experiences to understand what was going on. I did not know that I was taken advantage of physically, mentally, and financially. I lost my father in 2005, a year before my ex and I married. I felt vulnerable at that time. I needed a "replacement" man in my life. I thought he was that guy. I thought he would come in and treat me the way my father treated me, but in a more romantic way of course. I needed a man in my life to fill that void. After two years of marriage, I had finally convinced myself that I needed to move on. I knew it almost as quick as I said yes without thinking it through. I got in my car, headed to downtown Atlanta and filed for divorce. Everything was final!! I was free!! Walking away from what has ended up being the longest 12 year divorce ever!! Just two weeks after signing those divorce papers and finalizing everything, I found out that I was pregnant with our second child. My heart dropped and I went into complete panic mode. I did not want to do anything with this man outside of the one son we already had together. How could I have gotten a divorce without knowing I was pregnant?? I was devastated!! What would be a happy moment for most couples, was full of fear and anxiety for me. But what else could I do other than tell him and proceed to the next step. We remained in seperate homes and only met at doctors appointments and an occasional lunch or two just as co-parents. Once our daughter was born, we found out she needed major surgery to remove the tumor which had developed on her left kidney during her time in the womb. This was the icing on the cake!! The time spent with her in the hospital during the Christmas holiday season brought my ex and I even closer, we formed a bond during this time, I fell vulnerable once again, and I was back in his arms seeking comfort. Well that was short lived. Almost one week after she came home for the very first time after spending her first month on infancy in NICU, he was ready to stir up trouble again. His emotions were running high and he began to attack me and my mother instead of embracing the fact that his unexpected daughter made it home from the hospital after 4 long weeks. After things had settled down, we agreed that he move back in, and of course he promised things would be different, and they were for about 2 weeks. The arguing and constant finger pointing began again. His demand for sex was at an all time high. It had gotten to the point that I needed a drink just to be intimate with him. I did not want him sober. I'm realizing all of these signs, but failed to stand up for myself and say enough is enough. I just wanted a family. I didn't want to raise children in a home without a father. I have been accused, shamed, humiliated, verbally abused and torn apart completely. Broken all the way down. I have not been happy for a long long time now. It has been the same repetitive behaviors in our relationship year after year. But I felt like he needed me. He would never leave me and he broke down at the thought of me leaving him. But what did he need me for? A punching bag (mentally)? a sex slave? Arm/eye candy? A self-esteem booster? Why did I spend 12 years in an abusive relationship? Is it because I needed to be needed??? I needed to feel like I was valuable to someone in some way? I spent 12 years in internal, emotional pain. I smiled at family. I went on and on about how well things were going. I lied! I lied to cover up a lie in order to cover up another lie! Deep down I hated him!! I hated what he put me through for 12 years!! Each and every day for the last 12 years I resented him. I completely withdrew myself from all emotional and physical closeness to him, I just simply shut down and ran on auto pilot for the last 6 yearsb at least. I got tired of being blamed for his bad days at work, even though we didn't work together. I got tired of being the one he was frustrated with when his car insurance got cancelled, even though we had separate insurance. I got tired of being blamed for his bankruptcy when he was the one that didn't take responsibility to pay the bills. I got tired of being called a "bitch" in front of our kids and his mother. I got tired of being his everything while he was absolutely NOTHING to me!!! His sister passed away in December 2015. I joined him in Chicago to attend the funeral and support him and his family. He told me that I did not have to come, but I insisted because at this point, we've been in each others lives for 10 years and two kids, why not? Well in February 2017, I then found out that he reconnected with his high school sweetheart and they had sex while he was in Chicago preparing to bury his sister. I was hurt and upset, but not surprised. Once again, like a fool I try to be there for him and I get shit thrown in my face!! So I did the unthinkable, I slept with my high school sweetheart and posted pictures all over social media to let it be known. He found out about it and decided that he could ot accpet that kind of behavior from someone that is supposed to love him, and I agree. But the problem is that I just don't love him anymore and I no longer cared what he thought or felt. Sounds childish for me to do out of spite, but it got him out of my life!! It hurt him and he is gone!! I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally drained right now!! He calls me at least once a week to allegedly talk about the kids, but it always ends up being a conversation about "us" and how he misses me and will always love me. As soon as I shut him down, the name calling starts and I simply hang up. The next day he sends a text apologizing for his outburst and reminds me that he still oves me, I don't reply. I am going "no contact" with him unless it is about the kids. I am slowly finding the courage to rebuild myself and stand on my own two feet. I don't need him or the drama that he brings. I don't need anyone and I don't want anyone to need me. Needing isn't healthy right? At least the wrong kind of need. But what I desire deeply is peace of mind! Strength and courage! Hope and understanding. I need myself and that is who I have been missing. I was absent from a lot of "girls night out" events because my ex thought that a bunch of girls together can't be trusted, and me being the "good woman" I am, I stayed home. Anything to make him happy but nothing to make myself happy. I am continuing my therapy without him. We tried to get counseling as a couple but he was unwilling to do the work, so I am still holding steady with mine. After just 3 and a half months of therapy, I have founnd the courage to share my truth with the world! I am not longer ashamed. I no longer feel the need to hide my secrets. I can admit to my mom that she was right, he is a loser!! I can I can I can, and I will!!! I just need to be surrounded by people who will uplift, motivate and encourage. I need myself to show up. I need me before I can move on with anyone else. One step at a time, I'm a work in progress and looking forward to a better me. Thanks for reading and I hope this was not too much for you all. Any feedback or suggestions on improvement is greatly appreciated.