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example of manipulation

sassybabe11
sassybabe11
since my sister died i have not been with the other sister much. so last week we decided that we would def get together yesterday. i did not hear from her all day. at 9 pm she calls to see if i am still up and wants to stop by. was in bed and so told her that. today i had to call her about something and she said- i know that we were suppost to do something yesterday but some friendss topped by and asked me to go to a party with them. so i did. the manipulation is this. she says well we are both just so busy and hope we can get together soon. oh yeah we had plans yesterday and being busy is not the problem. its that her spare time is spent with others even if we have plans. so lets make it look like there is just not enough time for us to get together. when actually the problem is that she does not follow up on plans made. i did not say this. no need. feel very estranged from family as i know that she is talking about me and demeaning me. working on detachment and acceptance. the thing is i did not really want to spend the day with her either as all i hear about is her and her problems and what a victim she is. but angry that i am always pushed to the side and the gall to phrase it as we dont have enough time. just saying
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sounds like you're both grieving your sister, and having trouble communicating your feelings about your mutual loss. You likely both feel ambivalent about being together, and the memories you share. I hope you two can bridge the gap and help each other through this time.
ptownjohn
ptownjohn
"the thing is i did not really want to spend the day with her either as all i hear about is her and her problems and what a victim she is"

So, this really isn't about your sister blowing you off. What do you think its really about?
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
thanks for that insightful post fineally. this is probably more true that i even realized. last time i was around her i keep looking at her and seeing my sister that is gone. and i noticed that she looked at me alot. maybe that is a great part of it. thanks so much for this. so true. we had our problems before and maybe it will be worked out eventually. i will use this insight when we do find that we can spend time together. and if that is not what she thinks and is being an asshole i have no controll over it anyway
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ask yourself why you keep putting yourself in this situation. Your sister is dysfunctional, and has been for a long time. Do you think she will change? You know deep down she's not going to change. You are going to have to be the one to change (and not for the better, I might add) in order to have a relationship with her. It will always be on her terms because she is a narcissist. You were working so well on detaching from this mess. Keep going. Sometimes no contact is the best policy. Clearly you are not emotionally healthy enough to be able to have a relationship with her on your terms, and you always end up upset at the treatment you get. Stop treating yourself this way. You deserve better. Distance yourself from this sister and build better relationships with the healthy people in your life. This is not healthy, and you know that. It will never be what you want it to be, because it takes 2 to make any kind of relationship work. She's not going to do the work because she doesn't see anything wrong on her end.
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
still grieving and trying to cope with all that is and has happened
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have a similar narcisstic sister. I like cheryt's response because it is spot on. I have put up with like behavior for many years because I am a people pleaser/care giver which I just fully realized this year. It is time to please ourselves and NOT feel guilty.

Good luck, it takes practice.