I know exactly what you are saying. My mother suffered from depression throughout my childhood. She also worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time to support her three children. So she was around but not really there, if you know what I mean.
I also do the same thing. I make one good girl friend and cling real tight to her. Once I do something worng around her or something embarrassing i guess like...suicide...or sleeping in all my free time...or getting too drunk and telling too much too soon about my past...I vanish and push her out of my life completely.

Recently though I have started rekindling all those old relationships I had with my freinds, mostly over the internet and found that they were not angry at me or embarassed by me at all. One of my freinds made me a notebook of all the people i knew and the nice comments they had about me. and my other friend told me that i could never be too "weird" to her.

I could not beleive that after all that time that I pushed them away or "detached" that they didnt react the way I thought they would. It has helped a lot to know that those friends dont have to just replace my mother, although that is not how i ever looked at it.

So I guess what I am saying is, NO! you are not alone in this.

If you need to talk I am here to help!

we are twins!! i sent you a PM and a friend request

hi stefanie...yes i used to do the same thing since i started at primary school. since ive messaged on here ive realised that there are other ppl around who do the same. i actually dont do this anymore tho...as i recognise my patterns...i realise now i make more friends, and they come to me...but i dunno if im entirely happy tho...

and vlake yr right...you cut the friend out of yr life cos u think that youve shared too much and they will then find out the true you and hate you...but like you, yes ive gotten back in contact with these friends and they dont hate you at all...its just that they dont undertsand yr pain, and i guess its not really natural for one friend to be that dependant on someone else, so they dont really know whats going on.

wow, I've done the same thing! I also detached from people in a very abrupt manner after an embarrasing moment.
That has to do,I think, with assuming a role and the embarrassment lies in falling out of that role.
It must be confusing to people, but even more so to myself, as I identify myself completely with that role. I haven't taken the big step yet to reconnect with some of those people, but I think I would still feel uneasy with them, even if they didn't make a big deal out of it.
The panic that I feel comes from my inner voice that keeps repeating that I've made myself 'totally impossible', and I cannot seem to turn it off!

Wow. its weird. i didnt really know that i had done something like this, until i read your post.
my mother left when i was real young.. and i would cling on to friends as well, good close girl friends for that "mothering aspect" as well!
but its weird, i dont know why i do this, buti always feel inadequate around my friends, like i'm not "right" or what have you. but i still cling on to them, tryign to learn everything i can from them.

i also have trouble keeping friends, like, i guess deep down i'm always afraid that they are going to abandon me, like my mother did, so i keep them at an arm's length in a way... but only after i have clung to them, then i step back. hopefully that made some sense.

anyways, i jsut wanted to tell you, that you are not alone!!!

YES!!! I have done this many times in my life. What happens is, when the friend becomes judgemental or does not act the way I expect her to, it turned my world upside down. I realized that I had to develope a better relationship with myself and learn to trust myself completely. I was looking outward to my "friends" to tell me my truth and validate me. I always ended up hurt in the end. My advice would be to really get to know who you are and what you are all about. The next time you attract a female friend, make sure she is adding to your life and not there to run your show. Hugs, L.

thank you all for your replies. its comforting to know i'm not alone...

This becomes a big problem if you develop an emotional dependency on a toxic friend. This worsens the problem more and you go through even more pain.

It is an annoying kind of pain for me too Stefanie68 - because it has been hard for me to recognize. I have confused this feeling before - and the friendships that I had in my teens and early twenties were extremely toxic. It has been painful because my female friends were all equally desperate and lonely. There was a lot of confusion and bitterness coming not only from me - but the non-existent boundaries between me and my girlfriends.

I have been very cautious about making friends again. I want healthy interactions - but have a hard time knowing when enough is enough. It is still hard for me to interact to other people opening up to me, and I know friendship must be a two-way street.