Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I've recently watched some videos by this gentleman, Will Perry:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y85nQgyi9Lk
I like what he has to say on the subject of emotional abuse. I think it's helpful in general and particularly for those who have been raised by or who have to deal with narcissists.
He pointed out that dealing with emotional abusers is like being in a 'battle ground' and that you cannot change the abuser but you can work on yourself and your perception of the abuser. He stresses the importance of observing the patterns of behaviour, and possibly thoughts, of the abuser. Although I have never articulated this before, I have found simple observation without getting emotionally derailed is a very helpful way of dealing with people who act in an emotionally abusive manner.
I have found the following strategies helpful:
-Acting as though I'm not bothered at all. Sometimes this works well - when I started having things thrown at me and responded 'Thanks, I wondered where that was' the behaviour stopped as it wasn't getting the desired response.
-Humour - the above is also an example of that. Whenever I have made light of or been dismissive of the behaviour, it also seems not to feed it any further.
-Walking away - if I don't like how I am being spoken to or treated, sometimes I simply refuse to engage and say 'I can see you're feeling angry/stressed/grumpy right now, I think it's time for me to leave and I'll come back when you feel better.'
-Noting situations when the other person is more likely to act in an abusive way - withdraw/ignore at those times.
I know our tendency is often to confront the abuser and explain how we feel. Sometimes I have found this helpful but often, this can make the behaviour worse since narcissists can be like children... the more you 'reward' the naughty behaviour, the more of it you get.
Just wanted to share these thoughts.
Love,
Alana
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y85nQgyi9Lk
I like what he has to say on the subject of emotional abuse. I think it's helpful in general and particularly for those who have been raised by or who have to deal with narcissists.
He pointed out that dealing with emotional abusers is like being in a 'battle ground' and that you cannot change the abuser but you can work on yourself and your perception of the abuser. He stresses the importance of observing the patterns of behaviour, and possibly thoughts, of the abuser. Although I have never articulated this before, I have found simple observation without getting emotionally derailed is a very helpful way of dealing with people who act in an emotionally abusive manner.
I have found the following strategies helpful:
-Acting as though I'm not bothered at all. Sometimes this works well - when I started having things thrown at me and responded 'Thanks, I wondered where that was' the behaviour stopped as it wasn't getting the desired response.
-Humour - the above is also an example of that. Whenever I have made light of or been dismissive of the behaviour, it also seems not to feed it any further.
-Walking away - if I don't like how I am being spoken to or treated, sometimes I simply refuse to engage and say 'I can see you're feeling angry/stressed/grumpy right now, I think it's time for me to leave and I'll come back when you feel better.'
-Noting situations when the other person is more likely to act in an abusive way - withdraw/ignore at those times.
I know our tendency is often to confront the abuser and explain how we feel. Sometimes I have found this helpful but often, this can make the behaviour worse since narcissists can be like children... the more you 'reward' the naughty behaviour, the more of it you get.
Just wanted to share these thoughts.
Love,
Alana
I wish I had known that all back when I was dealing with this in my life.
But I was so convinced I deserved the treatment...
Escalating the behavior certainly is not good. It "proves" to them that it's all you... Best to stay calm like you said, repeat back what was said to you with your reaction. And yes- walk away. And NOT answer cell phone or texts. Even better; put on an auto-reply when you leave. Something that says, "I am not reading or answering texts at this time."
For various reasons, I need to have contact with my grandmother. Over time though, I have become increasingly immune to her different methods of attack. Very occasionally, if it's serious enough though I will stand up to her and make it clear I won't tolerate her behaviour. In those moments, when she knows I'm likely to walk away from our relationship, she apologises and improves.
In general though, I would say that if you can find a way to become (to a certain degree) emotionally detached from your relatives, you can enjoy the good aspects of their character without getting drawn into their negativity. In terms of romantic relationships though, I do believe in walking away.
I was drawn into what a relationship with a man I believe was a narcissist. The difficulty is, I would end up behaving extremely badly (not my normal self at all) and I would then feel very guilty and confused.
There's another guy on youtube who has some good videos. He describes the fact that victims of narcissists and emotional abuse often feel as though they are 'on trial'. Deli, we do, for a while, feel like we actually deserve the way that we are being treated and when we are unkind we often come down on ourselves like a ton of bricks, feeling incredibly ashamed. The narcissist, on the other hand, feels entirely justified in their behaviour and does not believe that they have done anything wrong and as you say, they will lay the blame completely the door of the codependent who does feel terrible...
For me, if I'm with someone who is influencing me in a way that brings out the worst in me... even though I'm ultimately responsible for my own behaviour, it is a pretty clear sign to keep away.
for children of narcissists - going no contact is usually the only really healthy boundary that one can enact. They have trained you from the moment of birth and know how to get to us at the deepest levels. They have no thought of behaving in the most vile ways just to maintain control. It is very different from facing such abuse as an adult.