you don't have to decide anything until YOU decide. doesn't matter what you read or are told.
main thing is to start trusting yourself, right?
i've "read" ; ) that one shouldn't make any big decisions until a year or so of recovery under the belt.
i've taken that to heart and have not once regretted it!
get to that CODA meeting...
first steps first!
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

good reply, afloat. did you get that pam96?

Go to the CODA meetin for your child. Every mother's maternal instinct allows her to do what must be done to protect her child. Doing it for your child does not require any courage. You don't need to let go of the relationship - you need to change the dynamics of the relationship by changing yourself. If by doing so, he changes and you can reconcile, great. If not, you will be amazed how much more self-confident and healthy your life will be.
All my best,
Dr. G.

Thank you....

agree with mgs1....i initially went for my children as well!

Oooh another good answer afloat! I should read your stuff more.

I think Codependent is unhealthy, but dependent is healthy! Your child is dependent on you and your husband. That's healthy. If he were a fully functioning adult and still dependending on you, I'd think that would be unhealthy and Codependent.
When your child grows up, and is no long a reasonable tie for you to remain, then what?
Codependents often truly love each other but they love each other for the wrong reasons.

The problem with completely letting go is...let go...TO WHAT? Emptiness? Maybe I should go to one of these CODA meetings too...At least you've got your child there, who is depending on you, and you can lean on your child for emotional support too...I'm sure as your child grows, he/she will want you to be happy too, and doesn't like to see you both hurting...

I wouldn't recommend leaning on your child, that's just a bad idea. Children need to be children and when parents lean on them for emotional support it puts them in a false "parent" role. Not healthy.

agree. children don't need leaning on! they need to lean on us!

Having had a mother who leaned on me for emotional support...um, no. It sucked. I'm not a mother, but I've been that child. It taught me well and here I am today! Codependent, needy, afraid and in many instances emotionally shut down.

Pam96, take your time. The answers will come when you are ready and aren't trying to control them. /hugs

True, a parent needs to be a parent, not a "friend". But how can you be strong for your child when you're so insecure yourself? I'm sure the child picks up on this.

How old is the child? My brother's daughter was pretty insightful at 9 years old, and actually offered me a lot of great advice on love from her tender little heart. Funny how kids cut right through the B.S. and see the truth!

I really hope - for your sake and mine - that we actually don't need to let go of the relationship. In my case, I am in a relationship with a balanced person that can no longer understand my issues. So don't feel hopeless... everything will be all right, especially if you both decide to really change the toxic behavior. Good luck

Well...I'm at the point now where i have cut off contact unless it pertains to our daughter because I dont think he wants to change his behaviour. He pretty much blames me for all our marital problems but he sat back for 9 years & bottled everything inside & never told me how he was feeling....I believe that is another symptom of codependency...avoidance of conflict. I thought we had a great relationship because we never argued. I asked him from time to time how things were for him in our marriage & the last time I asked him in July he told me he was the happiest he'd ever been! Now he has left claiming he needs space & time to find who he is. I have been devastated & my whole world (along with my kids') turned upside down & I'm discovering ME. The only place he's looking for himself is at the bottom of a beer bottle. I have accepted that there is very little chance of us getting back together because I'm not going back to the same if not worse person he was before. I will continue my growth & I do still hope he will do the same but I now know...I CANT CONTROL THAT!!!!