Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Since my break-up I have had to move back into my parents house. I have been thinking for a fair few months that I was going to disown my family. Obviously it is not something to decide quickly so I did not want to rush to a decision.
I have been trying to help my family for years. They have so many problems and I thought I could help solve them all. I understand now that I have many problems of my own ; )
The house is falling apart, my father is a hoarder, he keeps everything. I have tried to fix the house and clear it but am met with resistance everytime. My mother blames my father but it is clear now that neither of them want the problem solved. I have accepted if they do not want help then I can not force it upon them.
My father is an alcoholic. he has not worked in 20 years. My mother supports him. He hangs around the house till noon, goes out on his own for a few hours, returns about 3-4pm, starts drinking, has some food and then goes upstairs to the spareroom at about 5pm just before my mother gets home from work. He then drinks all night on his own.
My mother seems really happy when he decides to do his drinking in the living room because at least he is sat in there with her.
On the weekends when my mother is home he goes out early before she awakes and come home around 4pm and starts drinking. There is only one car so my mother has to sit in the house on her own on the weekends.
My mother is proud that she supports the family. She is in denial about her issues. I explained to her that I am codependant and what that was. I did not want to tell her that she is codependant but I wanted to give her the facts. She got very defensive so I dropped it. The next week there was a small financial mishap in the house and my mother exclaimed with a smile on her face 'What would everyone do if I was not here to fix things'
My brother phones up my mother all the time and asks for money. She gives it to him.
My sister disowned the family for years but has since 'rejoined' the family but it is obvious it is mainly for money. My mother will buy her anything she wants.
I am the only one who does not demand money and I get treated with the least amount of respect.
My mother even admitted that she was in fear of my sister not contacting that she would do anything to keep her in her life.
My parents presume I will always be here and they do not have to do anything to keep me happy so they treat me like garbage. I do the most and get treated with the least amount of respect. I am bottom of the pile.
Well I'm not happy. I see all my problems clearly now. I am going to work towards a better life for myself. I am not going to settle for anything less than the best. I deserve the best life if I am willing to put all of my effort into it.
So what do I do with my family???
I am not very close to my brother or sister. We talk and have laughs when we meet up once or twice a year but apart from that there is little contact. It seems fake.
I am not close to my father. I do not know anything about him or his life.
I thought I was close to my mother but recently she is starting to unwind. I have had many conversations with her but now I am thinking she has given me really bad advice over the years and probably done so to hold me back so she would have some sort of control over me. I have many uncles, aunties, cousins but am not close to them at all. Half of my mothers side of the family has been disowned and all of my fathers side has been disowned.
I have been looking back at the abuse and neglect I suffered when I was a kid but part of getting myself better now I have decided to look at the positive side of life. There were many good memories in that house. Not to say that justifies the unacceptable behaviour.
I am willing to forgive and forget. I am willing to move on with my life. I am looking forward and not backwards.
So what do I do with my family???????
Do I disown them?
Do I ignore them?
Do I just let them be?
Do I stand up and speak about the issues I have?
Is it my place to tell them their problems?
Is that part of my codependency?
Or is this different?
I am trying to overcome my passive-aggressive behaviour by being honest about my emotions but I scared by doing this I will sink into codependency. I am having difficulty seeing where the line is drawn.
Thank you if you took the time to read. Any advice would be appreciated.
I have been trying to help my family for years. They have so many problems and I thought I could help solve them all. I understand now that I have many problems of my own ; )
The house is falling apart, my father is a hoarder, he keeps everything. I have tried to fix the house and clear it but am met with resistance everytime. My mother blames my father but it is clear now that neither of them want the problem solved. I have accepted if they do not want help then I can not force it upon them.
My father is an alcoholic. he has not worked in 20 years. My mother supports him. He hangs around the house till noon, goes out on his own for a few hours, returns about 3-4pm, starts drinking, has some food and then goes upstairs to the spareroom at about 5pm just before my mother gets home from work. He then drinks all night on his own.
My mother seems really happy when he decides to do his drinking in the living room because at least he is sat in there with her.
On the weekends when my mother is home he goes out early before she awakes and come home around 4pm and starts drinking. There is only one car so my mother has to sit in the house on her own on the weekends.
My mother is proud that she supports the family. She is in denial about her issues. I explained to her that I am codependant and what that was. I did not want to tell her that she is codependant but I wanted to give her the facts. She got very defensive so I dropped it. The next week there was a small financial mishap in the house and my mother exclaimed with a smile on her face 'What would everyone do if I was not here to fix things'
My brother phones up my mother all the time and asks for money. She gives it to him.
My sister disowned the family for years but has since 'rejoined' the family but it is obvious it is mainly for money. My mother will buy her anything she wants.
I am the only one who does not demand money and I get treated with the least amount of respect.
My mother even admitted that she was in fear of my sister not contacting that she would do anything to keep her in her life.
My parents presume I will always be here and they do not have to do anything to keep me happy so they treat me like garbage. I do the most and get treated with the least amount of respect. I am bottom of the pile.
Well I'm not happy. I see all my problems clearly now. I am going to work towards a better life for myself. I am not going to settle for anything less than the best. I deserve the best life if I am willing to put all of my effort into it.
So what do I do with my family???
I am not very close to my brother or sister. We talk and have laughs when we meet up once or twice a year but apart from that there is little contact. It seems fake.
I am not close to my father. I do not know anything about him or his life.
I thought I was close to my mother but recently she is starting to unwind. I have had many conversations with her but now I am thinking she has given me really bad advice over the years and probably done so to hold me back so she would have some sort of control over me. I have many uncles, aunties, cousins but am not close to them at all. Half of my mothers side of the family has been disowned and all of my fathers side has been disowned.
I have been looking back at the abuse and neglect I suffered when I was a kid but part of getting myself better now I have decided to look at the positive side of life. There were many good memories in that house. Not to say that justifies the unacceptable behaviour.
I am willing to forgive and forget. I am willing to move on with my life. I am looking forward and not backwards.
So what do I do with my family???????
Do I disown them?
Do I ignore them?
Do I just let them be?
Do I stand up and speak about the issues I have?
Is it my place to tell them their problems?
Is that part of my codependency?
Or is this different?
I am trying to overcome my passive-aggressive behaviour by being honest about my emotions but I scared by doing this I will sink into codependency. I am having difficulty seeing where the line is drawn.
Thank you if you took the time to read. Any advice would be appreciated.
I had to give an answer to my own questions about my own family - and I did not and still do not like most of the answers but most often the only answer is THE answer whether we like the answer or not.
What I do see as a BIG problem is you moving back into their house, as I suggest that you move out of there as fast as you can and do not play around with that.
Move into another house nearby - yes, or visit them every day - if you want, but living in their home with all those issues going on is just asking for trouble and that trouble surely will happen ASAP.
You are a 26 year old Man - so get out of there and do it soon.
Just my own opinion based on my own study and experience.
I agree, before deciding anything I would suggest moving out as soon as you can. Once you do that, I think you'll see that you have complete control over how often you choose to see your family and what you are willing to do for them. Honestly, yes, wanting to take care of them is part of your codependency but also a sign that you care about them, regardless of what has happened in your past. All your questions are great questions but they're all very black and white. You don't have to completely ignore them, you don't have to completely just let them be, you don't have to just completely disown them, you don't have to completely stand up and speak about the issues you have. There's a balance in there and that balance (I think) will change as you grow and develop. Once you move out, for the first few months you'll probably lean towards ignoring them and allowing them to just be as you focus on yourself and your recovery. Your boundaries will probably need to be that far out with them. But as you solidify into who you want to be, you'll probably find that you'd like to do things for them because you care about them. Maybe you'll be in a better place to get closer to a sibling or a cousin and then the balance is shifting in another direction. Or maybe they won't respect your boundaries and will suddenly start trying to cling to you or even hurt you ....then you might have to move towards disowning them. But what you're going to do in six months doesn't have to be decided now. I agree with Booky and I'd say focus on moving out. Once you've done that, you'll be in a safer place to decide where your boundaries lie in regards to your family and be better able to respect what you need.
That's just my perspective based off what you've written. I hope it's helpful. Good luck on whatever you decide. =)
Well I agree entirely with Booky and Teela, on the setting yourself up as quickly as possible to move out on your own. That sounds like something that needs to happen STAT! So work towards that, and your own storyline and what lies ahead of you.....no need to worry your head any further than that for now.
Then when you have objectivity from the situation you might have a better and different set of questions or maybe eliminated some of the list or added some....but when you are in the situation it can distort things because you are feeling things, probably picking up hidden emotions and feeling everyone else's energy which can be really muddled and distorted.
But I do want to provide you with some food for thought before you make any decisions about keeping them or removing them from your life, there were a few indicators that point to that no one else (your mom, dad, brother and sister) is upset with the situation at as it is.....and they are happy in their poop....so if it isn't bothering them, is there really anything to fix or do on your part? Can you maybe just accept the situation 'as is' and know it isn't a way you need to live, or be, or do and you can solely take it as a template of how NOT to live? The only items you have to address are what affect you directly and negatively, which the only thing I could extrapolate was the fact that you 'do' the most with the worst treatment in return......I think a lot of that would change as soon as you move because then you won't have to do those things anymore for them....hence removing the resentment.
Anyway, you are doing great!! I can sense your progress is HUGE since you first came on the site already and I am really proud of you for sticking with it. At your age I wasn't even considering these things so I think you are really going to go far in life with this much self awareness :)
Just take care of you.....and the rest will follow!!
Take Care xxoo
It does seem easier to be objective about family problems the farther removed you are from them, or at least that's my experience. It seems the longer I'm around family the more their baggage seems normal, and the more my codependent behaviors rear up. Perhaps staying with friends for a while might be an option if you can't afford your own place at this point. I think it's great that you feel comfortable enough with your mom to tell her about your codependency. I wonder if her defensiveness is because she feels like it is a criticism of your upbringing, or more specifically, her parenting?
I am inclined to agree with TeelaNa that you seem to have very black and white thinking about how much contact to have with your family. It doesn't necessarily have to be all or nothing. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to reflect more on what kind of relationship you ultimately want with your family, and proceed from there. It seems like you want to maintain deeper intimacy with your siblings, as you've indicated that your current relationship feels fake. Do you feel comfortable telling them that you would like to see them, or talk to them more? And what kind of relationship are you aiming for with your parents? It sounds like you really want your mom to recognize her own codependency issues. You can't force her to acknowledge that fact, but maybe just you talking openly about your struggles, recovery and helpful strategies will at least get her thinking about it in a way that is not directed at her.
Ok I think I understand now. It doesn't have to be about my co-dependency or passive-aggressive behaviour. It is just about getting my priorities right and focusing on what I need to do first.
I am working towards moving out ASAP and I realise now the more thought I put into sorting my family problems out then the less thought I put into moving out.
You have all given me great insight into the solution and much to think about later on when I have removed myself from situation.
My dad has been depressed, aggressive with huge selfesteem issues his whole life.
The dynamics of the relationship between my parents is certainly not healthy and enabling. However, I have accepted that i can't change it. I have been very distant to my father and been away for weeks when he scared me again. I am very scared of my dad when he gets angry but I started dealing with it by talking to my inner child. I am looking for a new job now. My plan is to keep it shallow with my dad. I will help him of he asks me for anything but if not I will Limit our contact to a shallow visit. Try to find some Infos about his life...It may help you to forgive him. Concerning your mom: Try to tell her that you feel left out. I have been telling her and she has been there for me. She held me while i cried because of my break up and listened to me. what i am trying to say is they don't have to be your enemies. I am not talking to 2 of my siblings and i am very distant to the other two.One of my siblings and me come along great. I accepted the fact that the rest and me don't come along and i decided to ignore them. if They need anything again and ask me for it i will be happy to help them. Focus simply on what is good for yourself to move forward. as soon as you Can move out but don't burn all Bridges. I am sorry for my inconsistency of using capital letters. I am writing from my phone.
hope it helps somewhat. Warm regards liia
You moving back is just as "bad" as them giving your other siblings money and bailing them out... In fact, you went BACK into the dysfunction.
I'd put myself on a THREE MONTH PLAN to get OUT. Work and save the money for first, last and security.
I have become dependant on them by coming back. It is a bad situation but it really was my only option. Thank you for the advice about the time line. I have decided to give myself March to get everything in order. Organise my thoughts, organise my possessions and then get out. I am going in April. I am going to move out in April. I am going to have a nice place of my own to relax!
dsd188 my siblings are exactly the same always playing the guilt card, always borrowing and stealing.
Either my brother or sister came into the family home last year and stole a substantial amount of money from my parents room. I was out of the country so I was proven innocent (although I would of liked for them to say they trusted me) But what infuriates me is that they never confronted the situation, they told me but never asked my siblings about it and they still give them money all the time. Anyway like you all say, its not really my problem, my main priority is myself, thank you both
Money can be a very effective means of control.
I agree, too, that money can be a powerful means of control and possibly manipulation. You can make the decision, however, that you will not allow yourself to be manipulated by money, and it sounds like you've done that. Moving out would affirm that decision, too, b/c at that point, you won't be financially dependent on your parents at all. I understand that you need to have your basic needs met, though, and that's why you moved back. I can relate to this as I lived with my mother after going through a costly divorce, but it was absolutely necessary for me to get my own place and live by myself for true healing to take place.
But if moving out is a challenge and if it seems like too much at first, then just start with the basics: eat healthy food, get some exercise, and a good night's sleep. Once you have these basics covered, you can focus on changing your circumstances. It helped me at first to set very small, measurable goals and meet them, even if it's just as simple as something like, I'm going to go for a 20-minute walk, eat a salad with dinner, and block the next 8 hours our to sleep through the night. I learned to do this by reading James Altucher, and he has a chapter about this in his book Choose Yourself. My advise is to set small goals, celebrate your wins, and then move on to the larger challenges. Best wishes to you as you move forward.
Just been looking back at the thread and I can not believe how much good advice is on here! Every comment means so much to me.
Thank you all so so much for helping me out on this one.
Sending all of you love right now.
Update:
I am moving out in two weeks!
I am so excited!
As for my family? I still have no idea what to do with them?! They are driving me crazy! It has been interesting to see them behave and to see where I have got my unhealthy behaviours from.
My sister is supposed to be coming down to visit this weekend with her little girl and I would love to see them before I move.
I am accepting them for who they are but still looking forward to spending time apart from all of them to think about the situation.
Going of to buy a new suitcase today to fit all my clothes and belongings in! : )
I enjoyed reading your post and your questions about what to do about your family situation. I am happy to hear that you have plans to move out. I agree with what everyone else said here, that moving out first will meet many of your own needs and will enable you to address any problems in your family (should you choose to do so).
My family situation has some similarities to yours. My family members are a mixture of those who are troubled and co-dependent but they aren't bad people per se. I went through different phases with my family. Trying to educate them and point out the errors of their ways never worked very well for me. I have tried to just lead as peaceful and happy a life within myself and act as a good role model for my family, if that makes sense. I am there for them if they really need me but I pick and choose the things that I do.
I do not have siblings but I do have step-siblings who have been favoured, as well as their children, despite the fact that some of them are very dishonest and have even stolen from the family. I just try not to get involved or comment on things very much and just help and add to their lives in positive ways where I can. However, my contributions are usually small. I've noticed that if I contribute too much it tends to be taken for granted and I end up not being treated as well.
While ultimately I agree with Booky that you need to find your own way, I would suggest finding a way to come to terms with your family exactly as they are, come to terms with your own frustration and find a way to contribute to your own life and their lives in such a way that you could have a positive impact, without draining yourself.
In following this path myself, I believe that it has had an impact on my family as a whole. The stealing of one of my step-siblings and his partner has come out into the open and they are no longer benefiting from the family the way that they once were. My mother is becoming better at articulating her own needs and my grandmother seems to play the victim less often and expect less from me. Once your family see and feel changes within you, they not only respond differently to you (and often more positively), it seems to create changes within them too.
I've seen this quite often - a friend of mine was part of a religious sect, made a stand but still kept in touch with her family, without directly challenging the sect. Within a year though, her own family began questioning their own beliefs, left the sect and changed their own lives. The key seems to be to be okay with ourselves, okay for people to remain in their own dysfunction if they chose it and somehow, as if by magic, family dynamics and behaviours often change.
Love,
Alana