Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello!
I'm a codependent, and I've been painfully slowly discovering how I manifest codependent behaviors, I am aware.. based on symptoms but still.. a part of me resists that. i cannot fully accept yet that I am a codependent.
I learned about codependency since I discovered that my fiance is a gambling addict. he has been in recovery for more than a year, at the same time i was too.. i attended family therapy sessions with his family and I have been attending codependent's anonymous meetings. i was almost consistent in my attendance in the meetings. there were times that i stopped for a while. it's tiring to be in those meetings where people can be so detached and be tough... that's quite hard for me to fully accept their new ways. but i guess my old ways towards life and relationships are no longer working out for me.. I've been noticing some patterns in my relationships, yet... i still resist the changes that i need to effect in my life.
so just two or three weeks ago.. i stopped attending the CoDA meetings. yes out of discomfort... and my feeling discomfort generates more discomfort... While iv not been attending the meetings i have been recalling the key messages i learned in the meetings.."go to a meeting esp when you don't feel like going"..."you have to want to recover so much that you'll do whatever it takes to work on your recovery program"..."stay with recovering people"..
the truth is i'm feeling guilty for not having enough courage to face all my CODA friends. I just feel so overly vulnerable.. before it was so easy to talk about my gambler and ow he has hurt me... how he is so unpredictable and inconsistent... Now that we are not together any more (gambler)... he is focusing on his program..i'm still hurting..
i still feel hurt because he chose to be on his own.. i don't completely get it yet.. but i cannot force myself to a person who doesn't want to be with me... for whatever reason..
so now i am still hurting... and when i go to CODA.. i am forced to reflect why im feeling these feelings... its very uncomfortable... to be vulnerable.. and the things i am learning from there are different from how i was brought up in my family of origin.
Do we really have to be so detached? that's my main question..
What happened 2-3 weeks ago was the people from CoDA were beginning to be assertive on me.. they say that I should already start to get angry... because i am still stuck.. can't move on and accept..where they starting to help work on ME?.. also i was too embarrassed because on the way home from the meeting, i rode with my sponsor and his husband...and the husband was at that time expressing his disappointment with one person in the meeting.. it was an uncomfortable situation in the car.. and then i caught myself offering a small gift to the husband... diverting his anger.. trying to diffuse the tension... over a week, i thought about what i did.. and i realized that that was so codependent of me... that i couldnt handle tensed and uncomfortable situation... i took it upon my hands... to diffuse the tension.. which was also so controlling of me... (YET... i still question.. what's so bad with that? my intentions were nice!!?")... that's how "examined" i feel like in the meetings. i am surrounded by all seniors in the program. they've been in recovery for more than 15 years... and i feel like they are "training" "teaching" me... that makes me feel so powerless, vulnerable, embarrassed... i know that the meeting can be my higher power... but i am still so uncomfortable being vulnerable with them.. the next day after my latest meeting (2-3 weeks ago)...i discovered that they all had lunch together... and i was not invited.. they said they forgot and only remembered when they were already in the restaurant...
it's been 2 whole weeks of not attending the meeting... i am scared and guilty for myself... because i should just go ahead and trust the process. but there are just so many things going inside of me... and i don't wanna be vulnerable... but somehow i feel like i have to conquer and face that. i am not normally a quitter. but this time.. i cannot find the will power and discipline to fight my discomfort.
Words of wisdom please?
I'm a codependent, and I've been painfully slowly discovering how I manifest codependent behaviors, I am aware.. based on symptoms but still.. a part of me resists that. i cannot fully accept yet that I am a codependent.
I learned about codependency since I discovered that my fiance is a gambling addict. he has been in recovery for more than a year, at the same time i was too.. i attended family therapy sessions with his family and I have been attending codependent's anonymous meetings. i was almost consistent in my attendance in the meetings. there were times that i stopped for a while. it's tiring to be in those meetings where people can be so detached and be tough... that's quite hard for me to fully accept their new ways. but i guess my old ways towards life and relationships are no longer working out for me.. I've been noticing some patterns in my relationships, yet... i still resist the changes that i need to effect in my life.
so just two or three weeks ago.. i stopped attending the CoDA meetings. yes out of discomfort... and my feeling discomfort generates more discomfort... While iv not been attending the meetings i have been recalling the key messages i learned in the meetings.."go to a meeting esp when you don't feel like going"..."you have to want to recover so much that you'll do whatever it takes to work on your recovery program"..."stay with recovering people"..
the truth is i'm feeling guilty for not having enough courage to face all my CODA friends. I just feel so overly vulnerable.. before it was so easy to talk about my gambler and ow he has hurt me... how he is so unpredictable and inconsistent... Now that we are not together any more (gambler)... he is focusing on his program..i'm still hurting..
i still feel hurt because he chose to be on his own.. i don't completely get it yet.. but i cannot force myself to a person who doesn't want to be with me... for whatever reason..
so now i am still hurting... and when i go to CODA.. i am forced to reflect why im feeling these feelings... its very uncomfortable... to be vulnerable.. and the things i am learning from there are different from how i was brought up in my family of origin.
Do we really have to be so detached? that's my main question..
What happened 2-3 weeks ago was the people from CoDA were beginning to be assertive on me.. they say that I should already start to get angry... because i am still stuck.. can't move on and accept..where they starting to help work on ME?.. also i was too embarrassed because on the way home from the meeting, i rode with my sponsor and his husband...and the husband was at that time expressing his disappointment with one person in the meeting.. it was an uncomfortable situation in the car.. and then i caught myself offering a small gift to the husband... diverting his anger.. trying to diffuse the tension... over a week, i thought about what i did.. and i realized that that was so codependent of me... that i couldnt handle tensed and uncomfortable situation... i took it upon my hands... to diffuse the tension.. which was also so controlling of me... (YET... i still question.. what's so bad with that? my intentions were nice!!?")... that's how "examined" i feel like in the meetings. i am surrounded by all seniors in the program. they've been in recovery for more than 15 years... and i feel like they are "training" "teaching" me... that makes me feel so powerless, vulnerable, embarrassed... i know that the meeting can be my higher power... but i am still so uncomfortable being vulnerable with them.. the next day after my latest meeting (2-3 weeks ago)...i discovered that they all had lunch together... and i was not invited.. they said they forgot and only remembered when they were already in the restaurant...
it's been 2 whole weeks of not attending the meeting... i am scared and guilty for myself... because i should just go ahead and trust the process. but there are just so many things going inside of me... and i don't wanna be vulnerable... but somehow i feel like i have to conquer and face that. i am not normally a quitter. but this time.. i cannot find the will power and discipline to fight my discomfort.
Words of wisdom please?
1. I am SO glad to hear that your EX-bf (start referring to him as that) is out of the picture. You really dodged a bullet. If you had married him, your life would have been ruined. Good bye credit score or any hope of financial success. Trust me on that.
2. Go back to the next meeting. Share with them that you needed a break to sort things out and tell them that you were starting to feel pressured by their advice. 12 Steps are NOT supposed to do that. It's called cross talk, and that's a no-no.
3. Remember that this is a CODA meeting, lol! They may be going for 15 years, but the fact that they couldn't resist trying to "help" you at the meeting, well.... Do you see the irony?
4. I think in the discomfort, you will find an answer. (Not to sound like Yoda, lol!)
5. The advice of staying with recovering people... well, I don't know if I agree. How about surrounding yourself with WELL people who don't even HAVE the issue so you can learn what healthy behavior looks like? Like if I'm an alcoholic, maybe I want to hang around with people who don't have a drinking problem because they aren't and never WERE drinkers???
6. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing process- you can drop into a meeting when you need to and go way for a while if you feel well. Like a doctor's appointment. If they can't handle that, that's THEIR enmeshment issue.
7. Do this for YOU- not to please THEM. They are not the ones responsible for your recovery.
8. What her husband said was very gossipy. Explore why you didn't say to him THEN to stop it. That's your issues with boundaries. Maybe go to a meeting and say what happened but without getting into details- just say you didn't speak up when someone was being unkind regarding another person.
9. What's up with the gift thing? Did you learn that from someone? That giving things makes up for bad behavior??? Like did your ex propose as a way to make up for a gambling slip? Did you get presents from your parents after they yelled at you? Just wondering how you learned that coping tactic instead of putting others in their place to keep you feeling safe.
These are my words- hope you thought they were wise!
I have certain self defeating behaviors i picked up from my dysfunctional parents, culture and others ... It was definitely not working for me so i went on a search .. A quest in search of self...
My therapist recommended the groups. I was not aware of these groups existed ... I had an option of trying them or may not ... I did go...
I was very judgmental of these meetings and people who attended there in my initial days... I am not crazy like how others are I am fine the way i am :-) ( Self defense, False Ego, Protecting self and several other things) ... little did i know...Change can be very intimidating... getting out of comfort zone was a challenge... I thought i will still check few more meetings times before i quit..
After first meeting this man approaches me ( I shared my issues) and said next week i will get this book for you....He got me Emotional Blackmail by Susan foreward and that book just opened my eyes to a different world...
I got all kind of suggestions.... some of my friends were unhappy with for not taking their suggestions... Suggestions were more Advice... I struggled with it because i was not willing to accept and try new things.. I didnt even see there was a problem with me ... The problem is just my ex .... i had to be mindful with help my therapist that i dont absorb everything either...
it took me great courage to accept i had issues and i need to work on myself... some people helped some people just tried to control me .. Boundaries helped me - What i was willing to put up with and what not
Detachment is something that helped me too - AlAnon says this" Its not detaching from the persn whom we care about but from agony of involvement" it opened up a dimension for me..
Do i believe in what all CODA and/or others says no ... Am i learning from it definitely yes... Openeness was very important for me to recieve and Acceptance was very important for me to work and FIltering was very important to take what i want and leave the rest....
By no means i am advising you here ... I am only sharing my experience...
recovery is so hard. i feel so very shaken
insecure if im doing the right thing or not..
im not yet comfortable to go back to the mtg..
its been 2 full weeks for me withouth the mtg and i feel bad for not
wanting to go back there. i feel so ashamed.
had i married him, my life would have been ruined? wont it ever improve? is recovery possibility so slim? people change ryt?
with you number 9 comment.. i did not even consider that.. but thats a different perspective right there.. i remember as a child one or two occassions, whenever my dad got very moody and angry towards me.. he would feel sorry afterwards.. then he gave me presents. like a a shoe or a bike. or there was even a time he brought me to the mall.. probably to unwind and rrlease tension.. is that bad? was my coping mechanism bad in relation to the story i told you here? i thought i was diffusing tension and trying to pacify someone.. but based on codependency concepts it is under controlling. it shakes me to know that ive learned and used these ways for almost half of my life. and now i need to change it. it makes me feel that ive been doing it the wrong way for.the longest time. such a waste.
i understand openness is very important. lately the slogan 'placing principles before personalities' keep running through my head..
but u know.. i cant stop to think abt the personalities in the mtg. whc is evidence of my sick codependent thougts. yes i am resistant to learning fully new things i cannot fully let go. and its been taking me a while now.... its sooooook hard.. just like whatbi said in my reply to deli above..
what were ur self defeating behaviors?
im so scared to confront those ugly things about me.
So the question remains- do you go back??? If not, at least do something else for your recovery instead.
But I have a feeling that the very reason you feel bad going and NOT going is the very reason you should go and face it. Even if you don't share on your day back. Just sit there and take it all in.
OR, you could at least call your sponsor and talk to her about it.
Just don't ignore it. You could be on the brink of breakthrough! : )
As for #9, yep, I'm very intuitive. It's a blessing and curse! Is what your dad did wrong? Well, it's not horrible, but it's also not a good way to deal with people. And I'm willing to bet it was WAY more than 1 or 2 times... otherwise, you'd not use the word "whenever" and if you meditated on the issue, I think more instances of that pattern with him will emerge. But it's NOT YOUR FAULT you now have that skill- your father taught you that when you were young- you became wired that way. But now that you know about it, you can change it. Next time you see yourself wanting to divert, just tell the person how you really feel. But don't be like me who was passive all her life and then when I finally started speaking up, I waited until I exploded and became a raging biotch/lunatic. Get it in the first bristle or two.
You could have said, "Excuse me, but I feel uncomfortable discussing the content and people at the meeting afterwards. I think it's best left in that room." I think that would have been totally reasonable. It may not be realistic for them to stop, but at least they won't do it in front of you. But know that if you keep that sponsor, (or even if you get a new one), they'll still probably talk about you, even if it's GOOD stuff!
But part of that lesson is that you can't control others- only your reaction to them.
Hugs. Let me know if you decide to go back! : D
about these comments:
+So the question remains- do you go back??? If not, at least do something else for your recovery instead. - im attending another fellowship. which incidentally i was invited too.at the moment i was struggling abt this. a colleague invited me.. and to
my surprise.. they also use ty 12 steps.. linked to being a Christian.
im being open about it.
+But I have a feeling that the very reason you feel bad going and NOT going is the very reason you should go and face it. Even if you don't share on your day back. Just sit there and take it all in.-- what is that reason? thats exactly what i feel. i feel like i just have to suck it all in for now and theres no other route. but that..cannot escape it. been running away and delaying my lessons
+OR, you could at least call your sponsor and talk to her about it.
- this is another issue... could not find tye courage to. feeeeling so ashamed.
Just don't ignore it. You could be on the brink of breakthrough! : ) - if only i had the will power
At the very least, you should be truthful and tell them.
The ideas behind 12 step meetings are good, but remember, they are attended by flawed people (aren't we all!), so sometimes, we notice the flaws instead of the intent.
If i dont think there is enough space to put down my self defeating behaviors... Few major ones are
1. Absolutely no Boundaries - I would not hesitate to compromise my own values for others. it was very hard to say NO in the start ..I had to practice for a week of saying no to get acquainted to it.
2. Put others first - Even if i am drowning i put others first as if that's purpose of my life
3. Be Judgmental - Judge everyone through my own LIMITED thinking ...Usually Black and white thinking.
4. Control - Manipulate others for my own good.... Change them and then hate them
5. Unnecessary Advice - I would give advice as if i am expert on others life and would hate them if they didn't follow it
6. Unhealthy Attachment - couldnt let go or detach from people ...
7. Fears - Abandonment, Rejection and Intimacy - still struggling with this one.. One day at a time
Never ending list .. One day at a time and one thing at a time... Good news is these are all learned behaviors and there is hope to change...