Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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detachment and boundaries

Mag333
Mag333
I was feeling empowered lately, so I contacted my friend---we've been estranged the past 2 months- about getting together to talk. He said that he would be willing to get together in March... I told him fine, but he had to abide by some boundaries. I thought he would understand. Nope. It fell flat. He twisted everything I said, blamed me and made me feel like crap. And I believed him and started feeling bad.

I read somewhere else that when someone puts boundaries the other person resists it. How do I detach? How do you have the confidence to do it? It's hard for me because we also work together. So I still have to see him in the hallway, which makes it harder to detach and let go. i need some positivity, because now I'm doubting myself again.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Something I'm having to learn and it's a difficult lesson, if your friend cannot accept that you have boundaries then they are not truly your friend. If they cannot behave as your coworker either then report any misconduct to your boss. Keep in mind they are the offender, you are not. The cool part about this though is that you won't be angry at yourself for letting them run over you.
Mag333
Mag333
So true...DaSquirm. We are able to be professional at work and smile and say hi when we see each other in the hallway. But he has a way of just making me feel like an idiot for standing up for myself. I guess I need a confidence boost, so I can stick to my guns and show him I'm strong. How do I do that?
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's simple yet so hard. You've got to fully comprehend that this is your boundary and you are fully justified for having your boundary. His acceptance or unacceptance of this is HIS PROBLEM, not yours. And when you get that unworthy, stupid, guilty feeling, just remember that those things aren't true. Refuse to accept the negative. Reinforce the positive. Love yourself in spite of it. You'll start to feel something really nice. Dignity.
deleted_user
deleted_user
yep, boundaries are for you, not for anyone else.

If someone keeps violating my boundaries repeatedly, I need to do something else to take care of myself, other than setting a boundary. Leaving, choosing to spend time elsewhere, refusing to engage, walking away from an unhealthy situation, are all options when boundaries are repeatedly violated. That signifies a lack of respect and consideration for your needs.
deleted_user
deleted_user
For me I am learning that before I can choose to do something about the behaviour of the other person (not change it - but choose a better option for myself if boundaries are repeatedly crossed/not respected) the firs thing I need to be able to do is radically accept 'that this is what is happening'. It's the fight in me and the struggle to accept that I am being disrespected that is pulling me in to trying to get the person to change or do something that they are clearly not capable of or are choosing to do...
Without acceptance, I won't be able to do something else to take care of myself...
This week is going to be really hard for me trying to practice acceptance.
I'll be thinking of you and everyone in this group too. x
bingo9006
bingo9006
Darn, I just deleted what I wrote ... and it was good! Ok, here goes again. I'm glad you recognize the unhealthy relational patterns here, this person does not make you feel good. There are all sorts of people at work and some are unhealthy. I know it's hard to find a friend at work but maybe you can find some other people to talk to or else an enjoyable lunchtime activity to do on your own to try to separate from him? It's ok to be polite and civil to him, just like you would to anyone else at work, but maybe try to relate to someone else that would be better for your self-esteem. Uh oh, I think my computer is about to crash ....
LadyDB
LadyDB
Hello all, I've been away for a little while trying to get my thyroid problems taken care of with my doc. Anyway I ran across a great article on www.bellaonline.com. It's about "Dealing with Toxic People" in our lives. It describes these people and offers suggestions on boundaries and detachment.