Last night was really difficult night for detaching.  I’ve been really concerned about his mental health lately.  I feel like he’s making himself sick.  

I’ll also make a quick rant here because it has been driving me crazy and then I’ll give it up to God.  Before this stonewall, he was fairly happy for a few days and we were laughing and having a good time and he was looking forward to Library day.  Then I went into his space, teasing commenced, I said enough and POOF!  Stonewalled. Library day which he loves was ruined - he chose to be angry and sour throughout.  The weather has been lovely after nearly a month of awful weather and he chose to stay in an apartment he hates and go in a downward spiral.  

It’s so frustrating for me because we’re finally getting over our sickness and the weather was good and we had things to look forward to and our good mood was coming back and then he chucks that all away and plunged himself into misery just because I said “enough?”  AUGH!!!!!  I wasn’t even mad at him.  Hell, I would have even let him to continue to scapegoat me afterwards if he had just backed off for that one minute.  I know it’s good he didn’t because the stonewall made me realize he was scapegoating and I didn’t deserve it, but I was still frustrated last night.  I remembered all the good times we had before this year and why can’t we have those good times back.  I was also worried about how depressed he was getting and just wanted  to tell him I’m concerned about it. My anxiety kicked in so I couldn’t and it’s probably a good thing because during a stonewall isn’t a good time to bring up concerns like that.  My mind was racing and upset last night.

This morning the courage to change daily reading was on detachment which was exactly what I needed to read.  I know I need to concentrate on myself.  I feel the need to rant to get it out of my head, and hopefully now I can give it to God.

I will on Monday evening to go to a CODA for women.  Hopefully they’ll help with the detaching process and give me some ideas on where to go from here.

And there has been lots of good stuff about being stonewall that I will mention below.  For anyone who’s interested, here’s what I wrote yesterday afternoon:

Day 9 of being stonewalled.  In many ways it’s been a blessing.  It gave me time to make great breakthroughs like I’m not responsible for his happiness and that he’s causing his own misery.  I realized I’ve been his scapegoat and that will have to change because I don’t deserve to be a vessel for anyone’s disappointment, rage, and insecurities.  In many ways, he lost a lot of power over me in stonewalling me.  He can’t put all the blame on me anymore.  

It’s also been nice getting a break from the negativity and criticism and complaining we usually do.  I didn’t realize how I added to that too.  I joined in the negativity when he read news that enraged him, and bitched a lot about my parents and work and other things that was added to our dark spiral.  I’m going to be a lot more discerning in what I share and talk about to minimize the negativity if we ever do talk again.

So it’s been good having this time to re-evaluate how I’ve added to the dynamic and to make a decision to minimize the gossip and negativity and to work on saying no to any more disrespect and scapegoating.

But I still have moments where I want him to talk to me already.  Moments where I’m desperately trying to figure out what’s going on in his mind.  Today I did stretches for the first time in months because I miss doing them and he walked in on me doing a downward dog and oh he looked pissed.  I thought he was thawing out and then asked myself did I make him mad by doing stretches?  Maybe he thinks my active wear is too revealing?  Maybe he was mad at something else.  And then told myself to stop obsessing what he was thinking. It’s hard.  I worry about him because he’s really making himself unhappy.  I won’t go into details but this stonewalling is definitely hurting him more than me. And then I tell myself it’s not my responsibility.  This is his journey to go on, give him to God in love and light, and concentrate on myself.  Definitely easier said than done, but working on it.