Some people have asked what codependency is. It's a great question! I was in a therapy group that among other issues focused on codependency and when they asked what each persons definition of it was, all 11 group members had different answers! Apparently it's Here's what I learned... (From some of the worksheets we got)

What is codependency?
It is the preoccupation with and feeling responsible for the behavior and welfare of others to a degree that the codependent's self-esteem, quality of life and health are affected.


If you are codependent, you might say this to the person you are codependent to:
-- My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
-- My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving your approval.
-- Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
-- My mental attention is focused on pleasing you and protecting you.
-- My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to 'do it my way'.
-- My self esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.
-- My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your hobbies and interests.
-- Your clothing, personal appearance and behavior is dictated by my desires, as I feel you are a reflection of me.
-- I am not aware of how I feel, I am aware of how you feel. I'm not aware of what I want, I am aware of what you want. I ask you what I want. If I am not aware, I assume.
-- The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
-- My fear of your anger and rejection determines what I do.
-- I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
-- My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
-- I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
-- I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
-- The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

Some characteristics of a codependent:

>We feel overly responsible for others feelings and behaviors. it is easier to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This in turn has enabled us not to look too closely at our faults.
>We have difficulty expressing our feelings because we worry how others will respond.
>We are afraid of being hurt or rejected by others. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
>We are perfectionist and place too much expectation on ourselves and others.
>We have difficulty making decisions.
>We tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how we feel.
>We can not acknowledge good things about ourselves.
>We tend to judge everything we do, think or say harshly and by other people's standards. Nothing is done, said or thought 'good enough'.
>We do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is both okay and normal.
>We do not know that it is okay to talk about problems outside the family: or that feelings just are - - and it is better to just share them.
>We are steadfastly loyal - - even when the loyalty is unjustified - - and often personally harmful.
>We have to be NEEDED in order to have a relationship with others.
>We have become approval-seekers and have lost our own identity in the process.
>We are isolated from and are afraid of people and authority figures.
>We live from the veiwpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
>We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there for us emotionally.
>We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
>We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue.
>We have either become chemically dependent, married one or both, or found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic to fulfill our own compulsive needs.
>We are re-actors to life rather than actors.

So there it is!