i m so sorry. My heads bad today so I apologize if my post doesn't make much sense. Days like this there probably isn't much that can help. My sister told me not to long ago that the way she handles mom issues is whenever she starts to think about her she starts an inner mantra "she did the best she could with what she had." My mom was abused as a child the kind that would now demand calls to cps. She would rage and then be sickeningly sweet. I'm so soory your mom abandoned you in such a horrific way but it was an illness that caused her to do that. If you can focus on good memories instead that might help ease your pain as well.
Gentle hugs. Take extra special care of you today.

Well the only solace I can provide, is that to feel it, is important and key to move thru it. I am so sorry that you are in pain, but in order to feel the good in life all the way, you do have to feel the pain all the way as well.....otherwise we numb ourselves to it all....its not like you can say "hey I don't want to feel anything bad, only the good"....we can't choose.

So feeling it to me is a step in the direction of you healing from it. You have a right to your anger, you have a right to your feelings of abandonment, you have a right to believe that her choices in life affected you even today....because the truth be told all of that is correct.

Just know that the feelings will pass, not that they wont come up again, but they will pass. And the biggest gift you can give yourself is the knowing that you can be your own best parent and be the best version of yourself despite your parents.

In being your own best parent, do something that will make you feel like you are 'mothering yourself'; snuggle with a warm blanket and tuck yourself in, make yourself hot chocolate, go for an ice cream cone, buy yourself a treat, bake home made cookies, something that a mom would do for their child who is in pain.....

Take care and take deep breaths knowing there is a healing in feeling......

Thanks guys.
I am doing better after filling the bucket with tears.. just feel everything and allow myself to feel everything... let me inner child weep too...

This is something not new ... have done it last few years yet when these moments come .. its like a twister ... throws me off and have no clue what to do ....may be I should have a checklist readily accessible...

Self parenting always helped and helps...

Thanks Coda and giggle for helping me out in the moment of pain ..

You may also find help on the PTSD board.

Wise words about being kind to your inner child. Keep doing that.

Hugs.