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Dealing with Bullies
by Brett Blumenthal
Growing up, I was taught to be an open and honest communicator. It was expected. It was expected that if you had a problem, or if you had a conflict, that you discussed it. You didnt whine about it. You didnt sweep it under the rug. And, you didnt act passively aggressively. Instead, you talked it out, you explained how you felt and you came up with ways to fix it or deal with it. Although as a child there were times that I thought our household did too much communicating, I now pride myself in being open, honest and forthright.
Recently, however, my belief in open communication turned against me. Over the last couple of months, I had noticed that my colleague (lets call him Tom) started acting distant and dismissive. As peers, my work and his work needed to be integrated to get the job done. Yet, I constantly felt as though he wasnt respecting me or including me in important discussions that were vital to the work we were doing. It became clear that it needed to be addressed, and I told him in a couple of ways, that Id appreciate if he would ensure that I was part of these discussions. Ignoring these requests, Tom started displaying passive aggressive tendencies towards me and it was starting to affect the way we worked together. Finally, one interaction pushed me over the edge, causing me to want to address the situation immediately. I discreetly pulled Tom aside and told him that I detected something was wrong. Trying to be sensitive to Toms feelings and to avoid putting him on the defensive, I put the responsibility on me by saying that I hoped that I hadnt done anything to offend him. This plan backfired.
Instead of taking my gesture as an opening to an honest two-way dialogue, Tom used this opportunity to bully me. I patiently listened until it was obvious he was through, making sure that I let him fully express himself. When he was done, I apologized for how he felt and started to explain how I was feeling. He quickly made it clear that he didnt care. All of the feelings I had been feeling for the better part of two months, were completely dismissed. Further, he was quick to let me know that he had no intention of taking any responsibility for any part of the situation, implying that the problem was completely my fault. I came away feeling stomped on, deflated and disrespected. Not quite the outcome I had hoped for.
Although I believe that open communication is the key to successful relationships, this interaction made me realize that it doesnt work with everyone. Although I do think speaking with Tom was better than not saying anything at all, it obviously didnt accomplish what I had hoped it would.
Tom was given the gift of closure; he got to express everything he felt. I on the other hand, didnt get to express much of anything and as a result, was left feeling even worse than I did before the discussion. In hindsight, I feel that I left it all on the table, without any recourse or ability to defend myself. I feel that I gave him an opening to put me down and to belittle me. And, I feel that he completely took advantage of me and the situation.
There were a lot of things left unsaid, and I so wish I could have another opportunity to tell Tom what I really think. Instead, I have to let it go. Letting go is SO hard! Especially when you feel that youve been beat-up with no ability to defend yourself. The only thing you can really do in these situations, I guess, is to learn from them, so that maybe history doesnt repeat itself. Here were the lessons I learned:
Mutual Respect: If you embark on an open dialogue with someone, make sure that both of you respect one another. If a person doesnt respect you, talking to them may fall on deaf ears, and you may find yourself in a worse off position.
Be Prepared: If you attempt to resolve a conflict, prepare yourself for the possibility of it not going as you would expect. Otherwise, you may not get all that you wanted out of the conversation. Create a list of the things you want to address to ensure that you get to make all the points you want to make.
It Takes Two to Communicate: If the person is not a big communicator to begin with, it might be a sign that the conversation may not go as you hope. It was clear to me that open communication was not in Toms repertoire unless it was one-way.
Sharing Requires Caring: If the person you are hoping to speak with is not interested in your feelings or concerns, you may be left feeling empty. If the person doesnt care, it isnt worth the emotional investment. Stick to the facts and dont let emotions get involved.
Timing: When we are upset and want to talk about something, it is important to take some time to really think through how we are going to have the conversation. I reacted emotionally, wanting to solve something on the spot. As a result, I didnt really think through how I would approach him or where we would have the conversation. Instead, it was on the fly and in a setting that didnt lend itself to having a thorough conversation.
Self Confidence: We all have moments where we lack confidence, but if someone has self esteem issues deep down at the core, they will mask it by being a bully or pointing fingersand not taking any responsibility for anything themselves. In this case, I suspect that Tom has issues that have nothing to do with me, and instead of acknowledging that maybe he was partially wrong in the situation, he had to make himself look and feel better by placing all of the blame on me.
Replaying the conversation in my head, I realize that I totally enabled his behavior. I didnt stand up for myself, because I was blindsided by his attack. If you think you want to have a conversation with someone, be sure to respect yourself in the process. You are the only one who is going to stand up for yourself!
Have you had a situation that was similar? Did you open a conversation with someone only to find that they didnt value or respect you?
by Brett Blumenthal
Growing up, I was taught to be an open and honest communicator. It was expected. It was expected that if you had a problem, or if you had a conflict, that you discussed it. You didnt whine about it. You didnt sweep it under the rug. And, you didnt act passively aggressively. Instead, you talked it out, you explained how you felt and you came up with ways to fix it or deal with it. Although as a child there were times that I thought our household did too much communicating, I now pride myself in being open, honest and forthright.
Recently, however, my belief in open communication turned against me. Over the last couple of months, I had noticed that my colleague (lets call him Tom) started acting distant and dismissive. As peers, my work and his work needed to be integrated to get the job done. Yet, I constantly felt as though he wasnt respecting me or including me in important discussions that were vital to the work we were doing. It became clear that it needed to be addressed, and I told him in a couple of ways, that Id appreciate if he would ensure that I was part of these discussions. Ignoring these requests, Tom started displaying passive aggressive tendencies towards me and it was starting to affect the way we worked together. Finally, one interaction pushed me over the edge, causing me to want to address the situation immediately. I discreetly pulled Tom aside and told him that I detected something was wrong. Trying to be sensitive to Toms feelings and to avoid putting him on the defensive, I put the responsibility on me by saying that I hoped that I hadnt done anything to offend him. This plan backfired.
Instead of taking my gesture as an opening to an honest two-way dialogue, Tom used this opportunity to bully me. I patiently listened until it was obvious he was through, making sure that I let him fully express himself. When he was done, I apologized for how he felt and started to explain how I was feeling. He quickly made it clear that he didnt care. All of the feelings I had been feeling for the better part of two months, were completely dismissed. Further, he was quick to let me know that he had no intention of taking any responsibility for any part of the situation, implying that the problem was completely my fault. I came away feeling stomped on, deflated and disrespected. Not quite the outcome I had hoped for.
Although I believe that open communication is the key to successful relationships, this interaction made me realize that it doesnt work with everyone. Although I do think speaking with Tom was better than not saying anything at all, it obviously didnt accomplish what I had hoped it would.
Tom was given the gift of closure; he got to express everything he felt. I on the other hand, didnt get to express much of anything and as a result, was left feeling even worse than I did before the discussion. In hindsight, I feel that I left it all on the table, without any recourse or ability to defend myself. I feel that I gave him an opening to put me down and to belittle me. And, I feel that he completely took advantage of me and the situation.
There were a lot of things left unsaid, and I so wish I could have another opportunity to tell Tom what I really think. Instead, I have to let it go. Letting go is SO hard! Especially when you feel that youve been beat-up with no ability to defend yourself. The only thing you can really do in these situations, I guess, is to learn from them, so that maybe history doesnt repeat itself. Here were the lessons I learned:
Mutual Respect: If you embark on an open dialogue with someone, make sure that both of you respect one another. If a person doesnt respect you, talking to them may fall on deaf ears, and you may find yourself in a worse off position.
Be Prepared: If you attempt to resolve a conflict, prepare yourself for the possibility of it not going as you would expect. Otherwise, you may not get all that you wanted out of the conversation. Create a list of the things you want to address to ensure that you get to make all the points you want to make.
It Takes Two to Communicate: If the person is not a big communicator to begin with, it might be a sign that the conversation may not go as you hope. It was clear to me that open communication was not in Toms repertoire unless it was one-way.
Sharing Requires Caring: If the person you are hoping to speak with is not interested in your feelings or concerns, you may be left feeling empty. If the person doesnt care, it isnt worth the emotional investment. Stick to the facts and dont let emotions get involved.
Timing: When we are upset and want to talk about something, it is important to take some time to really think through how we are going to have the conversation. I reacted emotionally, wanting to solve something on the spot. As a result, I didnt really think through how I would approach him or where we would have the conversation. Instead, it was on the fly and in a setting that didnt lend itself to having a thorough conversation.
Self Confidence: We all have moments where we lack confidence, but if someone has self esteem issues deep down at the core, they will mask it by being a bully or pointing fingersand not taking any responsibility for anything themselves. In this case, I suspect that Tom has issues that have nothing to do with me, and instead of acknowledging that maybe he was partially wrong in the situation, he had to make himself look and feel better by placing all of the blame on me.
Replaying the conversation in my head, I realize that I totally enabled his behavior. I didnt stand up for myself, because I was blindsided by his attack. If you think you want to have a conversation with someone, be sure to respect yourself in the process. You are the only one who is going to stand up for yourself!
Have you had a situation that was similar? Did you open a conversation with someone only to find that they didnt value or respect you?
how bad is it really? Because I would have said, we can agree to disagree and respect each other and move forward, or we can have human resources address this.... Personally I would not flinch at taking this to HR and having it put in my file ... just in case.
Good Luck.
I believe that trying to have open communication with a person who is not open to that communication, whether they are defensive, hostile or passive agressive is a lot like trying to have a conversation with someone who is under the influence of mind-altering drugs. It is futile, not productive, and leaves only bitterness in its wake. Hard as it is, I think the only thing to do is to wait until the other person is open to discussing the conflict in a rational way.
Taking care of myself, means I do no harm to myself or another person. Sometimes that means I have to walk away and learn that my best option is to surround myself with people who are healthy enough to have a loving and respectful relationship with me.
The rest, I leave at a distance, and in a marriage, sometimes that leaves me feeling lonely. Fortunately, I have a Higher Power who is always there for me, even when my human partner is not.
My sis and dad can be bullies so I think I kind of had a hard time recognizing it when it happens. I know when others have stood up for me in the past it felt so good because sometimes I have trouble doing it or knowing how to do it, or sometimes I go way overboard if it is with a repeat offender.