Do you "remind" her how you rearrange your schedule just to help?

She sounds like she's in a lot of pain, and you are playing the victim.

She may have a right to be upset and bitter if you did not provide her with a stable environment growing up. It was painful for ME to read you calling her dad an @$$hole, so I can only imagine HER pain...

So, she thinks you drink too much??? Then say to her, "Okay- you think I drink too much? Guess what- my resolution for 2015 is to stop drinking. And today is my Day One."

So, how did that last paragraph make you feel? If it got you upset, then I think she may have a point.

You want my advice?
1. Stop ALL drinking. (Who cares if she does? That's called deflecting.)
2. Don't ever defend the past to her. Say you want to listen to her and just apologize for whatever she thinks you did to her. She needs to know that you accept responsibility for her childhood. Listen and e sincerely sorry. Otherwise, you'll NEVER improve the relationship.
3. Never speak ill of her father, even if SHE says he's trash. Just say that no matter what, you're thankful to him since he gave her to you.
4. If you want to visit her and the grandkids, do so without ANY strings. And respect her choices as a parent. She seems stressed and if you insert yourself into her life from time to time and criticize what she does, that'll set her off. She'll probably say to herself -- if not to your face -- "Oh, you're a fine one to give me advice on how to be a mother..."

I'm really interested in what you think of my thoughts... This really touches a nerve with me, since there seems to be a lot in common with my life...

Good advice. Her dad never had anything to do with her and even though I did call him an asshole to you all I don't to her. But it is unavoidable for her that he was not available to her and she calls him an asshole. But Ii am sure it is an issue for her.I am not wanting to sound like I am comparing myself to other that have it worse ( but sort of am). I worked a lot to give them what they wanted and was available and present for them an was an involved parent. But did live with an abuser and was definitely not a great situation. He was an addict and I was his enabler for sure. We had a lot of fights and go together and broke up a lot. She tells me that she is sick of hearing about my schedule- so I have told her that I try to make it so that I can spend time with her and kids. Honestly I am ready to stop drinking but it is and always has been my social life. That is my issue and would be a great idea. I have apologized to them and told them I was sorry if I ever hurt them or was not caring enough and explained my poor choices the best I could. When I have visited I never critized her. But have retailed lately with harsh words to her criticism of me. I have always felt that she was in pain and tried to lessen that stress by visiting and helping with kids, taking them places, buying them passes to zoo and museums and putting oldest one in gymnastics. When she left me out of the xmas plans I was devastated. That is when things got bad. Thanks for advice

Honestly, I was afraid you'd bite my head off! (My own issues!)

SO, the fact that you can hear other's p.o.v. and not become defensive is good.

So, keep trying. Listen, but don't accept abusive treatment from her. Tell her that you've apologized before for the past and ask her what she wants from you. See if it's reasonable. If not, maybe she needs to work through her issues with a therapist. But don't say it in meanness, or she'll hear that you are calling her crazy. Maybe suggest therapy together?

I'd suggest cutting out the alcohol just because it's a healthy choice to make... Maybe you'll get emotionally sober as well?

Do you think your are providing your grands with things out of guilt for your daughter's upbringing??? Maybe you are going beyond what you can reasonably do and you are running dry?

You should not always have to go to her... Is there a midway point to meet and do fun stuff? How old are the kids? Maybe plan something for the summer?

Do you think your daughter would be open to seeing a therapist with you? If not for your relationship with her, then at least so you could have a relationship with your grandkids? Just listening to her explain her side of the situation to a neutral party would probably be really enlightening. Whatever issues she may have with you, you may not actually be aware of them because she may never have shared them with you. I have to agree with DeliAnnem, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain and also like she isn't in a place to hear anything you say to her.

Good comments. Thanks so much. No i don't feel like i do things for them due to guilt. I do have guilt about something's but have worked through it over the last few years. I thought that i was giving her a chance and kids, to get to do things that they cant afford. I did not have that when my kids were small, my mother passed away when i was 3 after a terrible illness that took her from us at 22. So was trying to do things that i would have loved for my mom to do for me. It hurts me to think that she is in pain. My family was broken and so much sorrow at her lost. We did not talk about it and was brought up to not think about it and keep a "stiff upper lip". When i a child they said that i was a hypochondriac and my dad remarried soon and so it was a topic not brought up. So as i said i was trying to give her what i missed. She was in everything in school popular, talented, and i thought well rounded with the trips we took and exposure to the good side of life, but at the same time in an abusive relationship and her and her brother had no contact with their dad until they were teenagers. By that time they discovered that they did not like him and my daughter was much more hurt by this than my son was. I love her so much and she has hurt me deeply but i forget that she is in pain also and get angry and feel frustrated that i am not included in her life more. i give her nice clothes that i have not even taken the tags off of and when i was at her house she said to look through the clothes that she did not want-because i make her look at the stuff i don't want?? New nice clothes and shoes really? My god how do i fix this?? have tried and tried and get little back. i was not always the best but feel like i tried so hard to balance what they needed and the crazy person that i was married to. One reason that i stayed with the abuse husband was complicate by a child that we had together that had open heart surgery at 3 weeks old and again at 9 years old. i had no family to go to for help but his family were there for me and helped with him and the other kids. i was so scared to leave him and have this child with a chronic disease without his family to help. They took in my daughter and her brother like they were there own.