Hi, welcome to this group.

What I say is that you are misunderstanding the concept of "Boundaries" and that is giving you extra problems.

As in you and your spouse are not one person and even if marriage means working as a team then the two partners must keep separate personalities and separate space and separate boundaries.

You say that your spouse is enabling the adult child and yet you call it as your boundary in telling him to stop doing that - and THAT crosses the boundary line from healthy to unhealthy.

The spouse is enabling the child BUT you are not, so you are calling it as a boundary when you are telling the spouse to stop it and THAT is NOT a true boundary - that is your self trying to control the spouse and trying to control the child and trying to control that dysfunction when their business is not really for you to interfere.

The true healthy boundary needs to be on your self and only on your self.

http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/boundaries/

As like if that adult child moves into the home then you move out because you are not going to stand for that going on in your home and since you can not stop THEM then you must stop your self and only stop your self from participating or enabling.

If moving out is too drastic of enforcing a boundary then you could confront that adult child and tell that child that you your self will call the police and press charges against them for anything illegal that you see as a witness, and then if you see them driving DUI or criminal activity then you call the police and report it. That will only happen one time and everyone will feel the boundary line.

Your spouse does not need to do anything and you do not need your spouse approval because it is your home and it is your own boundary line.

It is okay to get the blame for it, so take the blame with pride.

This is just my opinion and my own suggestion and the final decision must be your own, so take care because you describe a hard situation which requires some hard boundaries.

Tough spot to be in, Stuck.

Basically, your spouse is picking the child over you, at the detriment to the child. Who is an adult, by the way.

Sounds like a marriage problem first, THEN a child problem. I'm willing to bet your opinion isn't respected in other areas, too. Am I right?

While yes, you could say, "I'm out if he's in," that's not fair to you.

Any way to do a happy medium and at least have him sign a lease with certain stipulations and if he breaks them, he's out? Could your spouse agree to that? That way, you're not the bad guy; you're just enforcing a contract.

Just an idea.

I did not qualify we are already separated for this reason. Spouse and child moved out and keeps moving child back into HER place incident after incident. Spouse want to bring adult child over, wants me at her place with adult child present. I have younger children of my own that are being painfully affected by these behaviors too. So my "boundary" I will not allow the adult child into my home, and I will not be present at spouses home when adult child is present (just 2 weeks ago child assaulted another family member in that home and was placed in a psych ward - upon released spouse moved adult child right back in). 4 months before this adult child assaulted spouse, spouse moved adult child right back in. I have said stop enabling so that this pattern will quit, but I do not expect this - spouse is free to do as chooses (now, living in separate places). The problem is enabling violence and addiction has direct impact on me and my kids if this adult child is around (she will go off on someone at the drop of a hat - I would consider her borberline sociopath and quite dangerous). So marriage is on the rocks over this (as was going on in my house for 4 years prior to separation, and primary reason for separation was the enabling behavior that kept the police around that would not be stopped, and adult child would not be removed from home (spouse would not permit it).

BTW thank you Booky for the link. I think I am following this approach. I am driven by the need to protect myself and my children from emotional and physical abuse, as well as the extreme and chronic stress that results from the adult child just being around

This child is now an adult. its time for him to fly away from the nest and choose his own life.

Leaning on each other is for each others problems not for those one person chooses to create by enabling criminal activity. That is called a guilt trip to keep you co-dependent.

You and your spouse have a legal and spiritual commitment. That means both have to be respectful about not contributing to bringing crime into the home. IT is past time that your husband stops putting the child in front of the marriage.

The boundary that must be set is for this child to leave and stand on his own two feet.

Hi again "stuck".

So yes your explanation in comment #3 changes everything, and yes now I agree that you are doing the boundaries correctly by protecting your self and your family.

Now I say that maybe you are making that same mistake to your spouse and to the adult child - - in that you are failing to communicate exactly what you mean to them, just like you did not communicate accurately here in the opening - just maybe?

My finding is that most times all I ever have to do is speak the words of my boundaries or speak my feelings and it never or very seldom goes any farther, because when we communicate correctly then our words have huge power with other people.

We simply must tell the other people exactly and as accurately as is possible and then every one knows where they stand.

It is possible that your spouse just thinks that you are angry at them, or that you simply do not like the child, because shallow people will view you the same way as they view their self.

Even in comment #3 you are saying that you will not let that child into your home and THAT is misleading as it does not communicate what I believe you really mean.

It is NOT that you do not allow the child - no, you just do not allow criminal activity and you do not allow threats or drinking or the problems from that child.

We must just hate the sin but not the sinner.

Or hate the sin and help the sinner.

Both your spouse and the child might just be hearing that you do not like either of them - just maybe? because obviously they view the other problems as being insignificant.

My idea based on the given info is that you might try to push (and I do mean push) for that child to be put into a rehabilitation facility to get her some real help.

Show them both that you can have love and care for that child as a person but not as a trouble maker.

I suspect that you have always felt that way, but it is very possible that neither of them are getting that message correctly.

It is also possible that the child is purposely acting-out just trying to break-up you and your spouse, and they act-out what they too can not effectively communicate - just maybe?

Otherwise your Reply #3 sounds like you are on the right path.

Thank you all for the sanity check. I have repeated myself to my spouse until I am blue in the face (it is her adult child from another marriage who was moved in AGAINST my will AFTER our marriage) and yes much more aligned with #3 - I think spouse desperately wants me to accept adult child (I get that, hate the sin, not the sinner), but assault in the home, repeating, and as recent as 2 weeks ago? I have myself and younger kids to protect.

Maybe since there is separation already in place, is it possible to let sleeping dogs lay and just allow them the space and time to figure it out via their own path for awhile? I understand you have small children, are they your current spouses or from another relationship? If they are from another relationship then maybe you don't need ANY contact for awhile.....

For all intents and purposes pressure from an outside source (You) makes that the focus of the issue (in their minds you are the problem-I call it a nice shiney object to distract) rather than the situation itself (Adult child) being the source.....

I just think sometimes people need the dignity of their own mistakes in order to want to remedy the situation. Sometimes doing nothing at all and saying nothing at all speaks louder than anything you could do or say. Keep conversations limited to "have to's" for now, don't go there and don't invite them to your place (you can simply say "I am so sorry I am too busy with